All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Spend Most of Their Time Fundraising

Man to guy trying to avoid him: Because, you see — all Republicans are Nazis. I don’t know why no one else can tell.

–67th & Broadway

Overheard by: kendra

Thug to another: Damn, nigga! That’s why the Democrats ain’t going to win the motherfuckin’ White House in 2008!

–Union Square

Overheard by: guy who’s not sure if it’s racist or not

Righteous girl: I am glad I slept with him before I found out he was a Republican.

–6 train, Uptown

Overheard by: Susan

Rollerblading twelve-year-old to friend: Sean Hannity is such a douche!

–44th and 8th

Anti-Bush crazy at anti-war stand on the street: There’s an idiot in the White House! There’s an idiot in the White House! …. Actually, he’s a monkey — we got the DNA results back!

–Outside of the Met

Man on cell: Well, they killed 3,000 people! …Nooo, not the Arabs, the Conservatives — the New York Conservatives!

–181 St & Ft. Washington, Starbucks

Overheard by: One of the teachers

Hobo: I hope I never run for office, because you people aren’t the first group I’ve said fucked-up shit to.

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners Are Dimmer Than a Flintstones Night Light

Gay guy to friend: I may be gay but I’m not stupid.

–The Flame Diner, 58th St & 9th Ave

Woman to man: But they were only stopping the dumbasses… That’s why they stopped your dumb ass.

–W 66th St & Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

(Blonde is having trouble hailing cab during rush hour)
Gypsy cab driver in town car: No one will take you cuz you’re stupid!

–116th & Broadway

20-something guy to girl: It’s eleven and it will take you till one to get home, then I’ll call you and tell you how stupid you are.

–4th St Subway Station

Overheard by: Glad I’m not dating him

Girl: Alexis, we’ve been over this. You’re stupid.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Crosby

Bimbette, yelling into cell: Yo! Look who you’re talking to–I’m not exactly the smartest person in the world!

–Amsterdam Ave

Overheard by: dumb as a rock

Wednesday One-Liners Are Just “Sociable”

Drunk gay man: I've slept with more men than my mom has!

–Ave A

Overheard by: Let his own mom win that contest

Woman to man: I don't want to be known as the whore of New Yorkers.

–9th Ave & 44th St

Woman on cell: It's just sex. There's no way you guys can ever be permanently tied, or anything.

–Macy's

Preppy, middle-aged woman, about man on iPhone: Who is that whore?

–Bookstore, Brooklyn

Overheard by: -she probably said

Norman Rockwell’s Wednesday One-Liners

Dude: Well, it would be really nice if I could sleep with your sister.

–Washington Sq South

White girl: Well, if I’m so white, why do I have an uncle named Juan?!

–Hunter College

Scandinavian-looking girl: My mama has brothers who were Nazis. That’s why we don’t talk to them anymore. Oh, and because they’re dead, too.

–Bloomingdales

Girl crying and pleading with bouncer after he took her fake ID: But I need that back! It’s my sister’s, and she’s dead!

–Union Bar, Park Ave South

Overheard by: BOB Sled

Loud black chick on cell: Yo, mom, I’m gonna fuck your daughter up!

–H&M, Herald Square

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I told her if she don’t sign it, I’m gonna dig Daddy up and set him on her porch.

–18th & Park

Overheard by: Tony Jones

Woman on cell: Do we have a conscious grandmother or an unconscious grandmother? … Oh, goood!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: white_on_white

Jews for Wednesday One-Liners

Nine-year-old boy to friends: Don’t be talking smack about Jesus. He was one of our greatest presidents!

–Q train

Overheard by: J-Lo

Hip chick in black whose dog poops in street: No! No! Jesus fucking Christ! [Looks up and notices she’s in front of large church.] Oops.

–71st & Amsterdam

Overheard by: She didn’t even pick it up

High school boy: He’s like a fat homeless Jesus who stole a rich man’s coat.

–Bronx

Soccer mom to another: You know, Friday nights are always a great time for Jesus.

–82nd and Columbus

Overheard by: Just bought a bottle of Jack to share with Jesus

Student on phone: All I have to say about being friends with Jesus is that unlimited fish sandwiches and wine doesn’t sound like a bad deal.

–NYU

Crazy guy: Praise Jesus! But stay outta my way — I will stab you.

–W 17th St

Overheard by: dawllyllama

Girl to friend: I mean, come on — who really cares about Jesus?

–Elevator, NYU Silver Center

One Life to Wednesday One-Liner

Five-year-old boy to father: Is this an important life lesson?

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: A

Young Asian man to woman ignoring him: Hey, let's go get a falafel. Hey, hey–you live around here often?

–Union Square

Overheard by: serena

Woman, throwing McNuggets at man: Get the fuck out of my life!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Elliot

Frantic crazy guy: I'm gonna go have a seat in Starbucks and get my life together!

–6th Ave & 25th St

Overheard by: tbomb

Suit on phone: Well that's life, you screw people over and then you go to the Bahamas.

–Train into Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Died for Our Sins

Hipster: So I was walking down the street, and I saw Jesus, and then I was like, ‘Hey, how’s it going, Jesus?’

–Union Square

Overheard by: Kanad

Subway preacher: The ocean is full of water. Jesus changed water into wine. It’s all good. Michael Jackson called it ‘Jesus Juice.’

–Rockefeller Plaza subway

Overheard by: G-Lime

Queer: I replaced my imaging of Jesus as a transvestite serial killer to an image of Jesus as a militaristic terrorist…

–1 train

Queer to another: I think Jesus loves Halloween.

–23rd St, between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: adam

20-ish guy: Let me get this straight — it’s spelled like ‘Jesus,’ but it’s pronounced ‘Hey-Seuss’? That’s just weird.

–49th & 8th

Overheard by: JoBell

Bible thumper: Ladies, you may see a handsome man and think to yourself, ‘I want him to be my sugar daddy.’ Oh, yes! And he becomes your sugar daddy, and he takes you to Macy’s and he buys you a crock pot. Oh, yes! But then later he beats you with that crock pot. Oh, yes! Then you realize that it is not he who is your sugar daddy, it is really Jesus Christ who is your sugar daddy! Oh, yes!

–4 train

Wednesday One-Liners Hang Weird Shit on Their Mirrors

Cab driver, getting cut off: Yeah, drive like you want that cheeseburger!

–Columbus Circle

Cabbie: I got in some trouble and my wife threw all my clothes out of the house. I never realized how many clothes I have! I know New York streets better than my own closet! (laughs)

–Cab, Broadway & Houston

Cab driver to colleague who just honked after he stopped for a pedestrian: What, you want me to kill him?

–Battery Park

Middle Eastern cab driver: I used to have a video store in Washington Heights. But the black bastard put me out of business! Can you believe it? After ten years the black bastard put me out of business! Do you now the black bastard on Dyckman? C'mon! Everybody knows the back bastard! Black bastard! Black bastard video!

–Cab, Washington Heights

Overheard by: Gene Gray

Cab driver: When you drive for ten hours a day, you learn that over 50% of drivers are, how do you say it…stupid.

–Queens

Overheard by: Fiasco

Under the Influence of Wednesday One-Liners

Drunk Santa to drunk female Santa: I didn’t know what to do! I don’t know anything about kids!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: James

Tipsy LI teen to friend buying LIRR ticket: Is the machine gonna give you a bunch of Sacajaweas? … Dude… Sack-a-ja-wee-wee! She’s gonna be all up in your piece!

–LIRR

Overheard by: pri

Drunk girl sobbing to another: You’re my opposite! You’re my everything!

–Sala One Nine

Overheard by: And I’m in the fifth dimension…

Drunk man: My penis can touch my asshole!

–12th & 3rd

Drunk girl: You know what would be really weird and sort of pointless? A life-size map.

–12th & 2nd

Drunk white guy to passerby: He act like is my fault that I’m drunk.

–39th & 8th

Overheard by: How odd is that

Thank God the Wednesday One-Liners’ Strike Is Over

Chick on cell: We can’t let Blair and Tootie control our lives!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Poogins

Homeless crazy black guy to three scared white girls in their twenties: Time is crazy. Oh man, what time is "Desperate Housewives" on?!

–10th Street & 3rd Ave

Large latino: Yo, it was so good last night, I mean I can’t believe you missed it. It was the best episode I’ve seen yet, seriously bro… Well the main thing that happened was Heidi tried to apologize to LC and she was all like: "I wanna forget you!" I was like: "Whaaaaaat? For real?" It was crazy, you gotta catch it!

–Times Square Office Building

Overheard by: SUSAN

Redhead: The "Brady Bunch" world is a world without urges.

–Veniero’s, 11th St between 1st & 2nd

Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred

Muscular guy: He comes up to me talking all this shit, saying that he’ll bring it. Bring what? He’s not gangsta like I am, he ain’t thug like me. Skinny motherfucka looks like a damn burnt-out Screech.

–On the Bus

Fulsome girl with bad dye job: I’m like: "I watch ‘Law and Order: SVU’, I’m not getting in your van."

–15th between 6th and 7th

Overheard by: Disunionsquare

Aries Spears, in line for an Ashlee Simpson autograph: I’m the black guy from MADtv! [Grabs a random girl’s camera and snaps a picture of them together and walks away.]

–Virgin Mobile Mega Store, Times Square

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