Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

The Times Gets Bored With Real News

Kid: I was in the newspaper yesterday.
Nanny: You were? Why were you in the newspaper?
Kid: Daddy told the New York Times that I like the way the subway smells.

–Montague & Court

Overheard by: Rachel

K.d. Langsday One-Liners

Chatty woman: There were two lesbians, or transsexuals, or whatever you call it…

–26th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Crazy shouting hobo: Lesbians are rapists! Lesbians are rapists! You stick your tongue in a pussy, you're a rapist! Rapist lesbians! Lesbians are rapists!

–E Train

Woman on cell: Of course I thought she was a lesbian! She walked like a dude!

–Sunset Park, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Laura

Middle aged woman to male on train, in one breath: Scientists say that in 2012 the sun will line up with the milky way and change the axle on the earth and you know it is hard to be a black lesbian cause most of these women just get tired of men and have sex with a woman but that doesn't mean they are bisexual just because they have sex with men and women and they ain't really lesbians they just think they are cause they have sex with women…

–D Train

Overheard by: thomas

Normal-looking girl to girlfriends: Do you know how many woman hit on me when I was in San Francisco?

–Bedford & 6th

Man on street: Does anybody need a lesbian lover? Because I'll get a sex change…

–79th St & Broadway

Here’s One of Us Frolicking on a Mountain of Coke

Guy: So you slept with her?!
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: You were supposed to be taking pictures of the drugs, not seducing her.

–Red Hook Boardwalk

We Do Have Some Synonyms in Stock…

Old Coot: String beans.
Employee: How about green beans?
Old Coot: No, string beans!
Employee: I don’t see them!
Old Coot: You’ll find it.
Employee: You have to get string beans, you can’t get regular beans?

–Waldbaum’s, Bensonhurst

How About “We Don’t Try to Conquer Europe”?

German tourist: You can’t smoke inside and you can’t drink outside. What the hell do you people do in New York City?

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Christopher

What’s Your P-p-point?

Woman #1: That bad, huh?
Woman #2: And he stutters. I just want to smack him over the head. Spit it out!

–Bensonhurst

Especially Elderly Women

Teen: So this is what women mean when they complain about wearing diapers.

–Bed-Stuy

The Nuisance of Facts

20-something Intellectual: Facts are such a distraction from the essence of what’s really happening.

–Private Party, Brooklyn

Fun at the Post Office

A young man apparently cuts the line at the PO.

Old Italian: Hey, there’s a line here buddy.
Young guy: I waited already, I got money orders.
Old Italian: I didn’t see you anywhere near the line.
Young guy: I got money orders before and now I’m mailing them.
Old Italian: We’ve all got orders. Geez, no one wants to wait on line any more. And now the guy’s serving him.
Young guy: Shut up.
Old Italian: Ah, get lost, you idiot. If I was five years younger I would put you up against the wall.
Postal Worker: Next.
Old Italian: How much to send this express mail?
Postal Worker: $13.65.
Old Italian: Maron.

–Bensonhurst

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