Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

Posted on December 6, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Black People, Business and Commerce, Central Park, Gangstas, Girlfriends, Girls, Idiots, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Names, On the Subway, People, Places, Pop Culture, Preppies, Queens, Questions, Shopping, Store, Stupidity, Suits, Teens, Time, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Venues, Video Games, White People, Words

Shhh! You’ll Ruin Our Business Model

Club promoter: Comedy tonight at the Improv!
Middle-aged woman: The real comedy is on the streets.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Kevin Motel

Posted on December 4, 2006
Business and Commerce, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Flyer people, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Get the Jizzt

Man on cell: So, what have you been up to, besides running a sperm bank?

–Chinatown bus

Yuppie: So he shot some sperm in my mouth, and I ate it.

–3rd Ave

Overheard by: renata

Woman on cell: I know! And the only thing insurance doesn’t cover is the sperm!

–20th & 5th

Overheard by: I want to get on her plan

Queer: He got sweat in my eyes, cum in my nose, and shit on my dick.

–1 train

Man on cell: It looked like he was covered in jizz. Giant jizz. Like giant, Paul Bunyan-jizz.

–5th Ave

NYU chick: So then I realized that I had cum on my breath! And what would he think of that?

–Waverly & Broadway

Freshman: So what if you occasionally jizz in your pants?

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Rachel Hoban

Posted on November 29, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Business and Commerce, Clothing, Cum, Gripes, History & Geography, Kink, Orgasm, Penis, Poop, Questions, Scents of the City, Stupidity, Sweat, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weirdness

I Have People Who Do that for Me

Pope: So you said 300 percent return?
Bee: Definitely, man — 300 percent!
Pope: So I’ll have my people call your people.
Bee: Yeah, let’s have our people talk.
Pope: My people will totally be in touch with your people, man.
Bee: Okay, dude. Then let’s get high.

–Halloween party, Brooklyn

Posted on November 26, 2006
Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Business and Commerce, Holidays, Insects, Money & Class, Parades & Festitivites, People, Places, Religion, Stoners, Topics, Venues

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Listen to Nancy Reagan

Black guy on cell: Yea! Yea! He just called me up. I was like, "Yo, stop callin me up"… Yea!…. Yea my sister’s on crack!

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: saywhat?

Suit: Well, I’m a drug dealer, so I have a phone for each kind: a pot phone, a coke phone, you know…

–R train

Queer on cell: Oh my God. I left the check at home. I am such a fucking idiot. I am such a FUCKING idiot! Yeah, I’ll be there at six. Ok. I’ll bring you E and orange juice.

–Bank of America, 6th Ave

Overheard by: CarrieBoo

Bum: Hey… can you spare me $20 dollars, so I can buy some crack cocaine? I mean, I’ll share it with you. I have enough for a 10 but I want a chicken head to slob on my knob while I take a hit…

–96th St Subway Station 1,2,3

Overheard by: Franco

Smooth talker: So my ex-girlfriend was a blonde Long Islander cokehead and now here I am with you. So you can see this is a real step down.

–Les Enfants Terrible, Canal & Ludlow

Overheard by: wants to meet the ex

Hipster: You OD’d? WHERE?

–14th & 6th

Bitter ex: And fuck him and his fuckin’ wooden leg that I didn’t even know he sold crack out of!

–80th & 3rd

Disgusted hipster: I mean, I only do drugs as a joke!

–14th St L station

Overheard by: Em

Posted on October 11, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, BJs, Business and Commerce, Cell Phone, Cocaine, Drinks, Drugs, Family Ties, Gripes, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Panhandling, Pick-up Lines, Prostitution, Questions, Stupidity, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Weed

Look, You Can’t Go Around Displaying Enthusiasm — What Will People Think?

Woman #1: Oooh! Look! A kid’s store! It’s so cute!
Woman #2: I hate you. I hate you for telling me that.

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Hannah

Posted on October 1, 2006
Assholes, Business and Commerce, Kids, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Relationships, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Women

Charles Ponzi Got His Start Fund-Raising for Band Camp

Candy seller: Ladies and gentlemen, today I am selling candy so I can make money to buy more candy.

–1 train

Overheard by: Joshy Sweetpants

Posted on September 14, 2006
Business and Commerce, Junk Food & Fast Food, On the Subway, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Vendors & Street Performers

Just When You Think Humanity Is One Species

Black woman #1, looking at the Time Warner Center: I haven’t been in there yet. But you know it’s not for us.
Black woman #2: Why did they put a J Crew in there? J Crew ain’t never got nothing.
Black woman #1: I know. If anything, they should have put a Kohl’s. They got Kohl’s in there?

–Uptown M7 bus

Overheard by: Always listening to other people’s conversations

Posted on July 22, 2006
Black People, Business and Commerce, On the Bus, Shopping

And Can You Tuck? Says Here ‘Girl Gets a Free Balloon.’

Dad: How old are you?
Teen boy: Thirteen.
Dad: How old are you?
Mom: You know he’s thirteen.
Dad: It says here that if you’re eleven or younger, you get in free… How old are you?
Teen: Oh. Eleven.

–Roxy Deli

Overheard by: Kelsey
Headline by: Tom Dorey

Runners-Up:
· “And Don’t Forget, Your Mom’s Your Grandma And She Got That Black Eye Playing Bingo” – Kate
· “And it’s cheaper than regression therapy” – Kim
· “But He is 19 on Myspace” – DanC
· “Good Answer. Now Give Me $10 For Your Mother And Me.” – Hobo Whisperer
· “Good…now go shave your balls.” – Colin
· “If Your Mom Hadn’t Lied About her Age, You WOuldn’t Be Here Now” – Jason
· “Sorry, Not Applicable to Jews” – djingo
· “Still paying down the debt from Dad’s mid-life crisis” – Allison
· “You Know What I Like Better Than Welfare Checks? Nothing.” – Amos
· “You know I only get paid for sending them pre-teens” – kasey

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on July 13, 2006
Business and Commerce, Customers, Dads, Family Ties, Headline Contest Winners, Intelligentsia, Kids, Moms, Parents, Teens, Tourist Attractions, White People, White Trash

Upon Contact With Chuck Norris, They Annihilate Each Other

Old-lady candy-pusher: I be sellin’ candy for the school. I have M&Ms and Jujyfruits and Almond Joy with and without the nuts.
Drunken gay guy: Nobody wants your candy. It probably has razor blades in it and shit. Just go away.
Old-lady candy-pusher: Look at you talkin’. You are the anti man!

–downtown 2 train

Overheard by: Stefanie

Posted on July 4, 2006
Assholes, Business and Commerce, Comebacks, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Junk Food & Fast Food, Old People, On the Subway, Queer guys, Women

Business and Commerce