Crime and Punishment

Large black guy #1: Wait, you don’t have your permit yet?
Large black guy #2: Nigga, that ain’t my fault. You know I can drive, but the written test fucked me up.
Large black guy #1: I thought you said it was the easiest shit ever.
Large black guy #2: No, it is. I took it in five minutes. But the last question was “if there’s an ambulance, a fire truck and a mail truck behind you, who do you let by first?”
Large black guy #1: That’s easy. It’s the –
Large black guy #2: Lemme finish. So I put the ambulance right, because some nigga be dying back there. But it turns out the answer is the postal truck because it’s federal property and you can’t mess with the feds.
Large black guy #1: That’s some stupid shit right there. Some nigga be dying in the back. Stupid feds. You know, the police can get you now for saying the n-word? They can give you a ticket and shit.
Large black guy #2: That ain’t right, nigga. I’m black and I will act accordingly.

–2 Train

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?

–Greenpoint Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: cameo

Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!

–Rockafeller Plaza

Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!

–Topshop

Chick #1: And there was my friend who was assaulted at Temple–did I tell you about that?
Chick #2, horrified: She was assaulted at *temple*?
Chick #1: Oh, Temple University.
Chick #2: Ohhh.
Chick #1: Uh, not that that makes it any less horrible.

–187th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Angry frat boy: Oh, so now I’m the bad guy? Let’s talk about you and your irrational pregnancy!

–Grand Central

Tween to friends: So, do you think I should get an abortion? I mean, I’m not even pregnant!

–TGI Fridays

Overheard by: Sara

Giggling chick: When you get pregnant, the only things that swell are your breasts!

–8th & Broadway

Overheard by: Hannah

Female security guard to friend: I don’t think I’m pregnant. There’s no way I can be pregnant, because I was only having light sex.

–Duane Reade, 23rd & 6th

Overheard by: jmike

Happy lady on cell: Guess what?! I’m pregnant! Yes, with a baby this time!

–96th St station

Overheard by: Kind of Confused

20-something chick: If I get pregnant, I am so suing Fresh Direct.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Soulful black man: Well, think about this. A white man lived in Graceland, a black man lived in Neverland. (nods knowingly)

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Bearsian

Gallery director to intern: So after he was arrested we sent a letter to Henry Gates asking him for money, you know, since we are a multicultural organization.

–Lower East Side Art Gallery

Latina to Latino: Latinos and black people can't be racist. That's, like, just white people.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

White hobo: When I see a black nigger together with a white nigger, that just confuses the hell outta me.

–Houston & Clinton

Woman: She likes black dogs because she's black, and I like white dogs because I'm white.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Yehuda

Guy: God, Elizabeth Smart is hot.
Girl: I know! She makes me want to rape.
Guy: ME TOO! We should find her!
Girl: Wasn’t she found?
Guy: Yeah, but I mean find her to abduct her again.
Girl: I’m a raper, not a kidnapper.
Guy: Fine, I’ll kidnap her and we can take turns with the rape.

–Flatiron District

Overheard by: Jeff

Texan Guy #1: Wow, I haven’t owned an overcoat in years!
Texan Guy #2: In Texas if you wear one they’ll shoot you! It means you’re a bank robber.

–Madison Ave & 43rd

Woman #1: Why shouldn’t I trust him? Because he’s gay?
Woman #2: No. Because he might be Jeffrey Dahmer.
Woman #1: He might be Jeffrey Dahmer?
Woman #2: Yeah. I just don’t trust anyone.
Woman #1: You’re friends with crackheads!

–N Train

Meathead #1: Dude, you saw Mitzo was found “Not Guilty” of child molestation, right?
Meathead #2: Yeah I did. Have you talked to him?
Meathead #1: Yeah, we were doing high-fives over some little girl’s back while we sodomized her.

–Victor’s Gym, Sherman Avenue

Overheard by: jermaine propane

Girl: So I’m saying… Would you murder my pussy?
Guy: Hell nah.
Girl: Why not?
Guy, laughing: I’ll end up in jail, ma.
Girl: What?
Guy: You can’t handle me, trust. My dick is deadly. It will kill you and your pussy.

–Brooklyn