Wednesday One-Liners' Prints and DNA Are on File

Man dressed in briefs, on Halloween, to policeman: I want you to arrest me! She didn't listen to me! I want you to arrest me right now!

–W 17th St

Overheard by: The Girl in Vintage Formal

Slightly buzzed 40-something man, in very loud hushed tone: I know your son is in jail! Isn't he?

–Mid-Manhattan Library

Man to another: They let him go because my daughter couldn't identify him. But now she got glasses.

–Ave B & 6th St

Overheard by: Miss V

Agitated man, yelling into cell: I don't love you. I hate you. I did ten years and got seven felonies for you.

–Brooklyn

Girl to another: So I wrote "we're being kidnapped' on a piece of paper and pressed it against the window.

–Famous Famiglia, 111th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Lucy

High school girl: That nigga just got *out* of jail. That reminds me, I need to go to Bushwick.

–Grand St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: rpk

Posted on March 17, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Library, Love, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, One-liners, Prison, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Wednesday Lindsay-Lohaners

Gay guy, angrily looking at woman eating sausages: And that is why I hate lesbians!

–Gay Pride Parade

Man on cell: I went to San Francisco last month to find me a lesbian girlfriend.

–Big Apple BBQ

Overheard by: skibs

Angry lady to another: Why would I have sex with another woman?

–Greenwich Village

Hobo on platform: Men… do not have sex with women! Any man who has sex with a woman should be arrested. Women do not like sex–women are all lesbians!

–7 Train

Crazy hobo to young girls on bench: You girls are a box full of lesbians!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Daphne

Posted on March 10, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Food, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Queer guys, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Sexuality, The Village, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

How Kids Learn to Offer Bribes

Little boy, whispering to brother: That's a cop. He can arrest people.
(brother starts tickling little boy)
Little boy: Arrest him! Arrest him!
Cop: Sorry, kid. I'm off duty.

–5 Train

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

Posted on March 9, 2010
Brothers, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Kids, On the Subway

Wednesday, with Some Scattered One-Liners in the Early Evening

Hobo: Everyone, please believe me, I had nothing, I tell you–nothing, to do with this rain!

–6 Train

Overheard by: thanks for that clearing that up

Black guy sitting on stoop to white guy standing the rain: I can't offer you a warm vagina but I can offer you a dry haven.

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: D Dot

Hobo to sky, as it begins to rain: You gotta do better than drizzling if you want to flood the Earth! We got murders and rapists down here! There are pedophiles and traffickers and thieves and liars and idolaters! I'm ready: I got the life goggles you sent me! (holds up scuba mask) Thank you for making me in your image, Lord. Amen.

–24th St b/w Broadway & 6th Ave

Overheard by: EmLo

Man, as it begins to rain: Goddamn rain, man! Only in New York!

–Park Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Bo Vanderpants

Woman on cell: Yeah, the weather is beautiful this morning. I'm strolling like a motherfucker.

–Lexington & 90th St

Posted on February 10, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Beauty, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, God, Gripes, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Lies, Men, Murder, Music, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Religion, Robbing the Cradle, Strangers, Street, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weather, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Only If I Go Armed

Girl #1: My boyfriend is so romantic, he's taking me to a private wine-tasting!
Girl #2: Doesn't that violate your probation?

–5th & 7th, Brooklyn

Posted on January 31, 2010
Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Love

…Are Those Two Guys Stabbing Each Other with Nerf Weapons?

Girl: There's police over there! It must be a crime scene!
Guy: Gang violence is so boring these days…

–Madison Square

Posted on January 30, 2010
Cops, Crime and Punishment, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, Violence

Winesday One-Liners

Mom on cell: So, she's a drunkard and you're taking her to a wine tasting?

–Park Ave

Overheard by: bad idea

Snooty hipster to girlfriend: This event is missing two things. One is wine and the other is cheese.

–Book Signing, Cobble Hill

Man to woman, looking at a wine list: Sure it's good wine. Brandon buys it by the case and takes it fishing.

–W Hotel Restaurant

Overheard by: Bob Leblaw

Crazy MTA employee lady: If you step over the line you will get a fine! And will not be able to dine on all that boxed wine! The fine, it will not be divine! And then you will whine. So don't step over the yellow line!

–4 Train

Overheard by: also stepped over the line

Posted on December 23, 2009
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Celebrations/Parties, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Food, Girlfriends, Hipsters, Hotels, Men, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Case in Point: He Asked Me Out.

Lesbian #1: I thought you said your probation officer was out of town this week?
Lesbian #2: My probation officer? My probation officer don't know shit!

–Bleecker & Sullivan

Posted on December 18, 2009
Crime and Punishment, Lesbians, Questions, The Village

Smooth, Silky Wednesday One-Liners

Teen to friends: I want to get a haircut, but every time I get a haircut I get arrested.

–Union Square

Cashier: This line is closed! Unless one of y'all wants to drive me to my hair appointment!

–Home Depot

Woman to friend: Why can't he have a normal man haircut? Like, with short sides?

–Dekalb Ave & Oxford

Overheard by: Daniel Boris Dzula

Manic lady to no one in particular: Pay homage to my hair!

–B61 Bus

Drunk hipster: Donald Trump's hair is the Blarney Stone of New York.

–East Village

Overheard by: Concerned Irishman

Posted on December 16, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus, Cars and Driving, Cashiers, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Friends, Hair, Hipsters, On the Bus, One-liners, Physical appearance, Questions, Store, Street, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Stop Fighting This Instant or We Will Turn These Wednesday One-Liners Around and Go Home!

British tourist to misbehaving child: Do you want a smacked bottom now or the other thing when we get home?

–Central Park

Overheard by: birdw0rks

Mom to kid playing on shopping cart: You'd better stop that, or you're going to fall and crack your head, and I'm going to laugh, cuz I told you so.

–Grocery Store

Father to four-year-old son: Watch out, these people are trying to kill us.

–36th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: benny

Guy to son who is hesitant about seat in theater: If I had been this choosy with your mom, you wouldn't be here!

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Mother to daughter: I don't want to hear about your hunger pangs right now. Now turn around and look at the sea lions.

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: kathcom

Posted on December 2, 2009
Accidents, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Ass, Brits, Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Dads, Foreigners, Grocery Stores, Guys, Kids, Laughter, Moms, Murder, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Park Slope, Parks, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Theater, Threats, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Crime and Punishment