Wednesday Too-Soon-Liners

American tourist on phone: So, I've just been to ground zero and it's like totally overrated; it's just a hole in the ground.

–Central park

Sensitive guy: She's probably the number one cause of post-traumatic stress syndrome since 9/11!

–Restaurant, 46th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: TheGreenCat

Man, looking out window: Looks like they are building something.

–WTC Path Station

Tourist: That building is really tall, I think it's the World Crade Center!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Cheerful tourist dad taking photo of tourist family: Smile and say 9/11!

–Battery Park

Overheard by: CJW

Posted on August 26, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Brooklyn, Central Park, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Families, Ground Zero, Guys, Height, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parks, Pictures, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Time, Tourism, Tourists, Train Station, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

And a Little Child Shall Lead Us

Little boy to father: When I get ice cream I am not going to give anyone any of it!
Father: Sharing is good.
Little boy: No. It's not!

–Union Square

Overheard by: daveB

Posted on August 21, 2009
Dads, Food, Kids, Parents, Should've Used a Condom, Union Square and East Village

What Have I Told You, Sweetie? “Deny, Deny, Deny”!

Little girl in men's room stall: Daddy, someone peed on the seat.
Dad: No, it's fine, honey.
Little girl: Daddy, someone peed on the seat!
Dad: It's fine, just go.
Little girl: Daddy, I peed on the seat.

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on August 11, 2009
Airports, Dads, Kids, LaGuardia Airport, Parents, Pee, Should've Used a Condom, Weirdness

No More Late-Night Cinemax for You, Young Man.

Young woman: I heard this funny joke. A man comes home and his wife says “Your boss called and said that you were fired.” The man answers “Fuck him!”, and the woman says “I did, and now you have your job back.”
Woman's husband: I don't get it.
Eight-year-old son: C'mon dad, she made out with the boss!

–F Train

Posted on July 19, 2009
Couples, Dads, Families, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Sex

A Piñata Full Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old boy, matter-of-factly, to dorky dad: Mexican people like to put animals on their shoulders.

–108 St & Broadway

Black guy to white woman: Anyway, it turns out–and this is really weird–in Texas, they hate Mexicans as much as they hate African Americans!

–17th St & 8th Ave

Man to another: I just want to be gang-raped by a group of Latinos.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Mike

Exasperated woman to friend: And this is why I don't interfere when it comes to Mexicans!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Green Star

10-year-old to friend: You have the same name as a short, fat Mexican boy!

–Maria Hernandez Park, Bushwick

Latino gay to white gay: You have good genes, you just don't have the Latino gene that makes your face moisturize naturally. I'm like the Dick Clark of faggotry!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: H-Bomb

Teen to friend: Make sure that you're in Guatemalan mode.

–114th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jeremy

Posted on July 15, 2009
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Black People, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Diet/Weight, Friends, Global Geography, Kids, KKK, Latinos, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Race, Rape, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday Keeps Popping Out One-Liners

Drunk woman to another: Well, I will see your divorce and raise you an illegitimate pregnancy!

–Court St & Atlantic Avenue, Brooklyn

Girl to super skinny girl: You look pregnant, I think I have a clothes hanger in my locker. You wanna come up and check with me?

–1st Ave & 3rd St

Dad holding baby to wife with another kid in stroller: Somebody's about to get pregnant up in here… It'll be like Maury Povich.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: NOT the father

Dude on bus to child: See, women, they get to grow people. And in exchange, we get to pee standing up.

–Q64 Bus

Overheard by: a people-grower

Girl to friend: You always seem to get pregnant at the worst times.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Jenn

Girl to friend: I'm feeling fertile. Who's going to tend to that feeling for me?

–2 Train

Latino guy to friends: That's what my name means in Portuguese, "pregnancy test positive."

–84th Drive, Queens

Posted on July 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Families, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Kids, Languages, Latinos, Malls, Moms, Names, Offers and requests, On the Bus, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Pee, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Queens, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Skinny People, Street, Stupidity, Threats, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

“Young Adult” Wednesday One-Liners

Father to son: No five-year-old should be asking for Chilean sea bass for dinner.

–Joralemon & Court

Dapper man on cell: You used to be able to pass for twenty… uh… eight.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Chuckell

Middle aged woman clutching Twilight book, trying to exit bus while reading: God! These novels for 13-year-olds make me hot!

–B7 Bus

Overheard by: i know, i love it too…

Prissy woman on cell: I don't care if he's six years old, he doesn't have to throw a fucking temper tantrum every time he wakes up. I mean, get over yourself.

–Washington Square

Overheard by: Eric

Guy to friend: I'm thirty years old now. I'm over thirty. I don't know how to live. I'm an "adult" now. But I don't know how to live–without someone taking care of me.

–F Train

Overheard by: Jason B

Older woman to almost-dead father: Dad, the doctor told me I have a 45-year-old vagina!

–Manhattan Office

Posted on July 15, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Bus, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dads, Ethnic Food, Friends, Guys, Horny, Insults, Kids, Medicine, Men, Offers and requests, Office, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parents, Street, Vagina, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Get Ready to Rummmmbbbble

10-year old son to father: I'm going to punch you in the penis!

–Hudson & Desbrosses

Woman to 4-year-old: I do what I have to do to get things done. I'll even break some legs.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Girl to friend, sounding genuinely ecstatic: Yeah, he kneed me in the thigh, it was awesome.

–West Village

Woman on cell: Did you try changing its diaper? (pause) What about smacking it around a little and telling it to shut up?

–26th & 7th

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on July 8, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dads, Friends, Girls, Kids, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Penis, Questions, Should've Used a Condom, Street, Threats, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Women

F4F Wednesday One-Liners

Fat, hairy hipster guy: I don't know, but somehow, lesbians are always a little in love with me.

–Downtown 6 Train

Overheard by: I'm sure, dude.

Fanboy-looking dad to 10-year-old son: Well, if there is a lesbian headquarters, it's probably, um…

–Prospect Park

Barnard freshman: The way I dress people think I'm a lesbian.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: funny

Young Latina to another: That's not being a lesbian, that's being nasty!

–5 Train

Overheard by: E.J.

20-something to another: She looks like Sherlock Holmes crossed with a lesbian.

–1 Train

Posted on July 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Dads, Fat People, Gays and Lesbians, Hipsters, Kids, Latinos, Love, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Students, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

At the Harvard Info Session, They Give You Unsolvable Rubik's Cubes

Stanford admissions officer: You'll need to submit either the act or the act as a part of your application.
Audience: (confused silence)
Audience member: You said “act” twice.
Stanford admissions officer: Sorry. Stanford will take your composite score from the act and break it down, looking at the individual components. If you choose to take the act with writing instead, we will look at your best composite score.
Kid, muttering to dad: Is this some kind of mind game?

–Morgan Stanley Headquarters, Stanford University Information Session

Overheard by: I swear I wasn't mishearing him say

Posted on June 23, 2009
Academics, College, Dads, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Parents, Questions, Stupidity, Words

Dads