Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?
–Dumbo
Girl #1: Have you heard? I read dolphins are committing suicide together in ever larger numbers.
Girl #2: Is that good or bad for us?
–Dumbo
Girl #1: The professor was pretty insulted when I told her the joke.
Girl #2: What was the joke?
Girl #1: How do you get a dead baby into a box? Put it in a blender. How do you get a dead baby out of the box? With Tostitos!
Girl #2: That's gross.
Girl #1: My professor was pregnant.
–Fordham University
Little girl #1: Guess what my mom told me that your mom told her the other day when we were playing? She had another baby before you and it died!
Little girl #2: No, my mom said that I’m the oldest.
Little girl #1: You are now ’cause the other one died. She died before she was even born!
Little girl #2: That’s impossible! You can’t die before you are born!
Little girl #1: Yes you can. You can die before you are born, while you are born, or after. You can die at any time and you don’t even have to do anything bad.
Little girl #2: I don’t want to play with you anymore.
–Manhattan bound F train
Headline by: Krista
Runners-Up:
· “At her house, Zoloft is served at snacktime” – Krisztina
· “Debbie Downer: The Early Years” – E
· “Did I say something wrong?” – PJ
· “Playtime With Wednesday Addams” – Gabbertoons
· “Sartre’s Daughter Had A Hard Time Making Friends” – xavier
· “She was later known as the girl who kicked pregnant women in the stomach “just to see what happened”” – Danielle
· “Sylvia Plath Never Did Get Along With The Other Kids” – Ariel
· “Was it something I said?” – Jared
· “Welcome to Ayn Rand Kindergarten” – Emily
· “When playdates go bad… next on Springer” – Jenn
Black queer: Bitch, you better shut up, because Shana does so much more than you.
Fag hag: Oh no, I'm not dissing Shana at all–I love that bitch.
Black queer: I know, right? Shana is amazing. I'm so glad she's not dead.
Fag hag: Me too.
Black queer: So glad she's not dead. God bless her sassy black ass.
–1 Train
Guy #1: Hey, answer me seriously, what would you do if one day I killed our neighbor?
Guy #2: I would turn into a giant penis and spray semen all over the city.
–A train
Crazy man dressed like a King: Everyone, I just bought the sun! So if you don't mind, I'd like a hundred dollars an hour if you're using my sunlight.
–Sheep Meadow, Central Park
MTA track worker to another: Why does everybody wanna die tonight, Eric? Is there a full moon or something?
–49th St Station
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man talking to himself on imaginary cellphone: There will never be peace until the planet explodes. Then there will be peace. (pause) Yes, I took my medication today.
–R Train
Overheard by: Matt Giella
Guy in line for a play: I don't take my sunglasses off because the sun never sets on a badass
–41st & 7th
Overheard by: clara
Teen thug to another: He said he likes sunsets. Who says he likes sunsets?
–Macon & Marcy, Brooklyn
Overheard by: g
Co-ed: And Galileo's like, "Saturn has rings!" And Kepler's like, "Oh my god, really?" And Galileo's like, "Ya, really!"
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Man to woman: You wouldn't procreate with Boomer Esiason, even though he's the king of Cincinnati?
–Deli, Canal & Hudson
Overheard by: Uncle Bling
Man on cell: Elvis made ten million dollars last year and he's dead. There's no reason I can't make a thousand.
–Park Slope
Hipster: I like Steve Buscemi a lot more than I like you.
–Life Cafe, Bushwick
Overheard by: D
Woman in Southern accent to man: Look, the McGraw-Hill building. Tim McGraw and Faith Hill must own that building!
–W 49th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Michael
Middle aged white man to friend: I finally figured it out. "Mystikal" sounds like a constipated Samuel L. Jackson.
–LIRR
Trinidadian hobo: Step into the car and please don't block the doors. There's another train directly behind this one. Biiing-bonnng! That's from the old cars. This is how they do it now: “Dingdong!” (recorded “if you see something, say something” message plays; hobo recites the message along with it, mimicking perfectly.) “Tell a police officer or an MTA employee.” Or tell me, because it might be a bag o' money. Or weed. But if it's only a nickel bag of weed, just turn it in to a policeman. If it's a 500-pound bag, give it to me! I need that haze! Now, here's a picture of my wife. Two years ago, on Easter Sunday, my wife passed away of a massive heart attack. I want you all to know about this because I want you all to know I'm still single. The ladies, that is, not the men. I'm not gay. I have gay friends, but I'm not gay. I'm a lesbian. I'm a lesbian because I love what they eat!
–4 Train
Overheard by: Aloof Loner
Female driver to chubby crossing pedestrian: You gonna die, honkey!
–City Island Ave
Overheard by: Sam
Exasperated hipster chick on cell, rolling eyes: Well, you probably should have known. I mean, I told you yesterday it was a terrible idea to go out and get wasted the night before you work with cadavers…
–83rd & 1st
Overheard by: i’ll remember that for next time…
Little boy pointing to top of Trump Tower: If I fell off of that, I would die!
–Trump Tower
Overheard by: Horrified
Suit to another: … So at, like, four a.m. this morning I rolled over to feel her, and she was, like, dead.
–44th & 8th
Overheard by: Glad I’m not sleeping with him
Old lady on cell: Well, I may be dead by then, so it might be a waste of your money.
–Fairway, 73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: Jessie
Man on cell: … Yeah, but wouldn’t my witness getting killed be bad?
–Key Food, Kew Gardens Hills, Queens
Overheard by: kilbasi
Third grader: Miss Hannah, let’s make a deal — if you give me an ax, I’ll give you 10 corpses.
–PS 41
Overheard by: Student Teacher
