Food

Wednesday One-Liners for Joe the Plumber

Glum construction worker, singing slowly: We will…we will…not get paid.

–Caton Place

Overheard by: Cottonfluff

Hardhat to another: You got a rash on yo ass, know what I'm sayin?

–12th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: j

Construction worker to friends, watching girl in a bubble dress walk down the street: Damn, yo, I hate those skirts, yo. That's the stupidest shit I ever seen.

–13th St & 5th Ave

Construction worker to group of girls walking past, carrying food bags: Want to grab lunch?
(girls ignore him) Dinner? Breakfast? (girls continue to ignore him, so he yells at them) Just a snack, then?

–Prince Street

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Eastern European construction worker to pigeon: You! Yes, hey you! Eat this! Is good for you! Will put hair on your balls! Yes, eat, eat!

–23rd & 1st

Overheard by: Becka Dash

One Time I Caught Him Doing a Line of Mashed Potatoes

Elderly man to waiter: You know, that looks like 'shrooms.
Waiter: Sir, this is couscous.

–Broadway & 90th

Overheard by: GuyonaMac

Headline by: Bojo

Runners-Up:
· “All Of Us Have a Bad Experience with Rice-A-Roni” – the blue one
· “Bernie’s Attempts at Discreetly Finding a Drug Dealer Have Failed Yet Again” – RaeAn
· “It’s Not Easy Being Keith Richards’ Waiter” – I’ll have the mushroom soup
· “Well, Then You Clearly Got My Order Wrong.” – Timmy
· “Whatever, As Long As It Gets Me Where I Want to Go” – PeterG

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

But I Can't Stop 'Til I Can Cut Glass With My Ribs

Ditzy chick: So are you even hungry at all?
Ditzy skinny chick: Not really, no.
Ditzy chick: I can't believe you haven't eaten in nine days!
Ditzy skinny chick (excitedly): I know!! I can't believe some people do this for 30 days, though. I think that's unhealthy.
Ditzy chick: I wish I could've done it with you. It was just a bad week to start, I was too stressed to not eat.
Ditzy skinny chick: It's okay. This is my second try, anyway. I couldn't follow the program the first time either. Although I'm gonna have a hard time on Friday. I have a date. When he takes me to dinner what am I gonna say? “Thank you, but I can't order anything tonight. Can I just have one bite of your pasta?”?

–M101 Bus

Overheard by: Alayne

According to Zagat's

Church lady #1: You should try this restaurant I went to last week in Brooklyn.
Church lady #2: Oh, is that in the hood?
Church lady #1: No, it's not quite in the hood, but it's close. It's about two stops from the hood.

–A Train

Overheard by: what's happening to our hood?

Then We Ate Pizza and Candy and Watched Movies on Our Big-Screen TVs

Thug #1, about classes taken in juvenile detention: I took nutrition. It was good, because I want to be in nursing, and it's like…wellness.
Thug #2: Yeah, well, I took culinary. It was sweet, cuz we like, made lemonade and shit.

–Penn Station

You Want Wednesday One-Liners? We Got 'em!

Man handing out New York Post: New York Post! If you're illiterate, only 75 cents! If you only lookin at pictures, 50 cents!

–6th Ave & W 8th St

Overheard by: lady v

Man selling cotton candy: Get your cotton candy here! Cotton candy! I got your all-natural blue fibers of sugar right here! Straight from the blue cotton fields of…Virginia! Cotton candy, here!

–Shea Stadium

Street perfume seller to browser: You like Vera Wang, princess? This is genuine Wang.

–34th & 6th

Overheard by: Weary Communter

Street vendor: Hey, where are you ladies from? (two teenage girls walk by) Oh, that's cool, that's cool, I think I have a friend that lives there!

–7th & 40th

Overheard by: Tiffany

AM New York guy: Sir, would you like a paper this morning? No? No? (shakes head and looks at the ground) I don't care. (pause) It's okay, I don't care.

–145th & St. Nich

Overheard by: sorry charlie

Fake purse salesman: Gucci makes the coochie go woo woo!

–Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Safety Net

Teen girl on cell: What?! His name was "food stamps?"

–Outside W 4th St Train Station

Woman waiting in line for a free iced coffee at Dunkin' Donuts: Daaaayum… It's crowded in here, like at the welfare office!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Matt

Thug (seeing the line for Dark Knight: Yo, this is longer than the welfare line!

–42nd St AMC Theaters

Overheard by: Angel

Drunk hobo in seriously bright yellow jump suit: Will you marry me? I got food stamps.

–Broadway, Astoria

Guy on cell: What? Yeahhh, her momma's been on welfare so long her food stamps bounced.

–3rd Ave & 11th St

Overheard by: nycpuhlease

20-year-old girl on cell: Yeah, I got the dress, it was like $100. I tried on matching pumas and I'm gonna go back to get those tomorrow. Hold on, I have another call.
(pause) Hello? Let me call you back, I'm on my way to pick up my welfare check.

–M2 Bus

Sounds Delish–Buh-Bye, Now

Thug: Hello ladies–give me some money, come on, show me what your workin' with!
Girls: Sorry.
Thug: If I had money I'd buy a box of frosted flakes, organic milk and you two on the side. Yeehaaa!

–Keyfoods, 5th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Elspeth Tremblay

Except Melted Baby Is a Bitch to Clean Up

Jen: My client is soooo annoying. She won't eat soft cheese cuz she claims it's bad for her baby.
Renee: Soft cheese is bad for her baby?
Jen: Well, yeah, but if she melts it then it's fine.

–39th & 2nd

Overheard by: Dorey

It's Not Delivery, It's Wednesday One-Liners

Chunky lady to skinny friend who ordered a Diet Coke: Bitch, I will slap the shit out of you with this pizza…I'll eat it, too. I don't even care.

–14th St b/w 3rd & 4th Ave

Wasted guy, placing order: A slice of pizza on the rocks.

–1st Ave & 20th St

Overweight Paris Hilton wannabe, loudly on cell: No, the food wasn't like, out of this world, like what I'm used to. No…not really. I'd say more like a touch of Greece–with maybe Turkish or Egyptian. I mean, it's almost impossible to find a good slice of pizza in the city nowadays.

–Crowded LIRR Train

Overheard by: CV

little girl to parents: I like mine with salt, pepper and bone.

–La Rocca's Pizzaria, Staten Island

Overheard by: Dawn D.

Female suit to friends: Oh no, I can't. I save my pizza binge-eating for when I'm drunk.

–Ave of the Americas

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Tourist: Oooh, there's a really good pizza place down here somewhere, Sbarro.

–Basement, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: pop pop

Six-year-old to friends: We should have an Obama pizza party!

–Park Slope

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