Guy: So, on the show this girl got two gobs of fat taken out of her sides. So, then they showed a “before” and “after” picture and it was like, “before,” lots of fat. “After,” still some fat, and stretch marks and a nasty scar. So then they went out to eat and she's eating pasta from her plate, pasta from her mom's plate, and then she gets this big hoagie. And I'm thinking, “this bitch is going to be fat again in two months.”
–70th Road, Forest Hills
Lady #1: Girl, it was the best salad I ever *had*! Baby, it was better than sex! All I gotta do is eat this salad and masturbate and I'm good to go!
Lady #2: I thought it was okay, but it wasn't better than sex.
Lady #1: That's 'cause you smoke too much and you burnt off all your taste buds. You taste things based on memory.
–W 26th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Jason
Mom, showing baby box of Dora the Explorer-themed diapers: Look, baby, you're gonna have Dora!
Baby (touching box): Dora!
Dad: You and Dora gonna have beef after you crap all over her.
–Target, Atlantic Terminal, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Matt Johnson
Guy on cell: You start dating married women, you end up meeting their husbands.
–49th & 6th
Man on cell (guiltless and disinterested): She said I cheated, duh-duh-duh-duh.
–Church St & Barclay
Overheard by: Robert J. Anderson
Female suit on cell: He cheated on me on my 30th birthday in Nantucket and I called my mom to tell her and she said, "Are you ready to give up that lifestyle? He's wealthy and he's gorgeous. I don't want to hear it." But I want someone to be über-attracted to me.
–19th & 8th
Overheard by: Sebastian White
Dude on cell: Hello? (pause) I told you never to call me on this number. (pause) Because I don't want my wife to find out that we're dating.
–6th Ave & 17th St
Psuedo-gansta to friend: Yo, I would cheat on my wife except then you gotta buy them flowers and chocolate and shit. I'd rather spend money on my wife and be happy at home.
–N Train
Girl on cell, doing laundry: Yeah…and then he says that he has a girlfriend and he doesn't cheat on her…so I said, "Really? Then what was your penis just doing in my mouth?"
–Laundromat, 9th Ave & 53rd St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.
–Cathedral Station Post Office
Overheard by: Emily B.
Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!
–Central Park South
Overheard by: Daisy Mae
Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!
–57th & Columbus
Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?
Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.
–Brendan's Bar
Overheard by: Danny
Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!
Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.
–Metro North
Overheard by: Christmas Spirit
Guy on bench smoking cigarette, on cell: But he has no problem lifting his legs so you can eat his ass.
–Central Park
Cornrowed boy to cornrowed girl: Stop chewing on me!
–1 Train
Overheard by: Kelly D
Random girl showing a picture to friends: I'm eating the baby's head. It's what I do in my spare time.
–College of Staten Island
Overheard by: Nameless
Woman to another with colored contacts: I just want to eat your eyes!
–Elevator, Broadway & 32nd St
Four-year-old boy to teenage babysitter: Oh, yeah? I'm gonna bite your vagina!
–86th & Broadway
Woody Allen lookalike: But buses are so creepy. I mean, what if there are cannibals on the bus?
–14th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: or snakes
Hobo: Yo baby, I'll give you this dollar if you give me that Coke.
Woman (holding a half-empty bottle of Diet Coke): Uh, no.
Hobo: Then at least go out to dinner with me!
Woman: No.
Hobo: Bitch, I'm a self-made millionaire! Fuck you!
Woman (walking away quickly): I knew I shouldn't have made eye contact.
–Chinatown
Overheard by: Britta
Teen girl on cell: Did you take her to Wendy's or a restaurant? (pause) Aww…you love her!
–Diner, 14th St
Overheard by: Bess
Hot gay ginger: Ooh! Look at how yummy these grapes look!
Cute half-Asian: Not as yummy as that dilf outside…
–Dean & Deluca
Overheard by: reid r.
Headline by: Myrtle Willoughby
Runners-Up:
· “And So Grape Nuts Were Born” – DRS
· “How to Toss a Half-Asian Salad” – jeffreydanna@gmail.com
· “It’s Official: Gay Men Are the New Teenage Girls.” – Steve
· “Some People Just Prefer Bananas” – Hot gay ginger
· “That’s Why They Call It the Fruit Section.” – Jesse
Disrespectful dude: We don't respect our old people here. Just makes more sense.
–Penn Station
Boisterous, deep voiced, West Indian woman: Miss, if you want respect, you must give respect! (pause) What the fuck are you gonna do about it? (pause) Miss, we will fight and we will die on this bus!
–Bus, Church Ave
Overheard by: Dena C.
Conductor: Please step away from the doors. (pause) I'm asking you in a nice way to please step away from the doors. (pause) If you do it out of respect for me, or, um, I guess, you don't have to, but at least respect the other passengers.
–Downtown 6 Train
Overheard by: Vivi
Guy: Yeah, I would never fart in her face, that's disrespectful.
–Madison Sqaure Garden
Overheard by: adelynn
Emphatic bakery delivery man to store manager: You guys don't respect my bread.
–46th St & 43rd Ave, Queens
Overheard by: Anna Rose
Guy on cell: I lost all respect for her after she fucked the ice cream man.
–Dust Bowl, Central Park
Overheard by: Jay Softe
