Guy in full biking gear, streamlined helmet, on fancy racing bike: Up to 20 miles an hour, man!
Guy delivering Thai food on bike held together with duct tape, keeping pace with him: Race you to the corner!
–17th St b/w 7th & 8th
Guy in full biking gear, streamlined helmet, on fancy racing bike: Up to 20 miles an hour, man!
Guy delivering Thai food on bike held together with duct tape, keeping pace with him: Race you to the corner!
–17th St b/w 7th & 8th
Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there are four doors on each subway car. If one of them is crowded, walk over to another door. Seriously! We do not need 86 people standing at 86th Street. Just move to another door. It's simple mathematics!
–C Train
Teen shopper to friend: I like hate math except for like…when I'm counting calories and stuff.
–Fashion Closet
Girl to guy: Some people believe in the laws of attraction, I believe in the laws of subtraction.
–Bus Stop Cafe
Pharmacist to another: What's one half of a half?
–CVS
African-American father to five-year-old daughter: You see? That's why I send you to a Chinese school. Because those Chinese kids know how to do math. You gotta know how to do math if you want to make something of yourself. If I sent you to a black school, you'd just turn into a crackhead. If I sent you to a white school you'd turn into an asshole. But those Chinese kids, man, they know how to do shit.
–4 Train
Teacher: And if your friend comes up to you and says, "man, yesterday I had cosecant pi plus cotangent 2 pi slices of pizza today," …and you went and figured it out, you'd look at him and say "man, you're an asshole!"
–Hunter College High School
Overheard by: Kevo
Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.
–W 72nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith
Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!
–Broome & Essex
Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.
–Starbucks
Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?
–27th & Broadway
Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?
–Bowery
Overheard by: Lauren
Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)
–53rd St & 10th Ave
Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!
–Carnegie Hall
Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.
–11th St & 5th Ave
Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.
–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens
Overheard by: Hunter (aka
Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.
–St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: j
Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!
–Fordham Law School
Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.
–Queens College
Young woman on platform: Hey, where's the A train?
Guy, pointing at himself with both hands: Right here, baby!
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Alan Q Smithee
20-something guy: We do need to get jobs, but it's so hard to get ready in the morning!
20-something lesbian friend: What could you possibly have to do in the morning to get ready? You're a bro!
20-something guy: I always have to set my alarm three hours before I actually have to go.
20-something lesbian friend: You *can't* be serious. It takes you three hours to get ready for, like, class?
20-something guy, totally serious: No, it takes me three hours to get out of bed. After that I just walk out the door.
–Fordham Road, The Bronx
Guy #1, at bar: What?
Guy #2: Yeah.
Guy #3: Really?
Guy #2: Yeah. I don't use condoms. My religion doesn't allow it.
Guy #3: You'll do just fine in prison.
–Dojo's Restaurant, 14th St
Headline by: Incognito
Runners-Up:
· “And That’s How the Church Of Barebacking Got Its Start” – Botticus
· “Fortunately for Him, Dudeism Also Forbids Paying Child Support” – Jim C.
· “I Hear There’s a Waiting List for Priests…” – Father Dick
· “It’s Not Losing Your Virginity If You Don’t Use *Your* Penis” – samson
· “Jail: The Last Refuge Of the Religious” – BenGay
· “Stop Calling Our Marriage a Prison” – Sandy Paws
· “The “Abstinence Only” Crowd Finds Their Niche” – again
· “Why Couldn’t My Cell Mate Be More Like You?” – Fresca P.
· “You Already Know How to Turn the Other Cheek” – Kelly
Guy #1: So was it more like Mars or more like Earth?
Guy #2: She said it was more like Earth.
–7th Ave & 16th St
Girl: Do you think Africans take antidepressants?
Guy: I really don't like you.
–L Train
