Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Beauty, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Gadgets, God, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff

Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.

–7th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Mark Martin

Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!

–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar

Overheard by: Nella

Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.

–Off The Wagon Restaurant

Overheard by: thankfully not jewish

Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"

–Bull Statue, Bowling Green

Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

–66th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Foreigners, Friends, Glad the Condom Broke, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Kids, Movies, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

You Wouldn't Even Take One for the Team?

Guy#1: Dude, I asked you to do one thing: help me out and distract her friend.
Guy#2: Maybe you didn't notice, but her friend was a guy.
Guy#1: Yeah, and…
Guy#2: I am not gay!
Guy#1: Really?

–Mott St

Posted on June 23, 2009
Chinatown, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Offers and requests

I'm Talking No-Beer-Goggles Cute

Drunk girl on phone: Yeah, so I decided that I'll go on a date with you. (pause) Well, I made out with some guy tonight and… (pause) No, I don't think he's cuter than you. He's not really cute at all!
Guy she made out with: Um, I'm right here.
Drunk girl: Shhhhhhhhhh, I'm setting up a date with a cute guy!

–1st Ave & 8th St

Overheard by: amused

Posted on June 23, 2009
Beauty, Compare/Contrast, Dating, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Girls, Guys, On Cell, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

While I'm Coming, I'm Like, “Heeeere's Johnny!”

Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Olee

Posted on June 20, 2009
Food, Guys, Masturbation, On the Subway, Pizza, Weirdness

We're Not Looking for Any Serious Wednesday One-Liners Right Now

20-something girl to two girlfriends: We've been dating for two months. Normally in my relationships, it's "he loves me, and I love me," but now I feel like he knows I like him, and that threatens me.

–Penn Station

8th grade boy to another: Aren't I the woman in this relationship?

–Bell Academy

Woman to friend: He said he wanted to dress me up, take me out, and show me off to the world. Instead we'd go out, he'd make me pay, and tell me how great everyone else looked.

–3rd Ave & 37th th

Cute guy in Yankees hat: I need a wild, destructive relationship for awhile.

–Brother Jimmy's, 81st & Amsterdam

Guy: Yeah, I just got over a long-term relationship. You know, two to three months.

–Starbucks, 67 & Columbus

Guy on cell: I don't know if I already told you this, but I don't have a job or a show. So we could go a date until the end of time.

–MacDougal & 7th St

Steve Guttenberg to way-too-young date: I like you and I would like to see you, just not every day.

–Upper West Side

Posted on June 17, 2009
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, B-List, Beauty, Dating, Friends, Gender issues, Girlfriends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Love, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Sexuality, Starbucks, Street, Students, The Village, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Can't Go On

Guy: But that way everyone feels a little more suicidal, and that makes it much more interesting.

–Broadway & 9th

85-year-old woman with leathery skin, in neon pink jumpsuit and sunglasses, with cigarette in one hand and cane in the other: I wish that cunt would just fucking kill herself!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: kyle

Woman to son, as they look at street vendors' wares: Oh, and do you have the number for the suicide hotline?

–Prince & Mulberry

Upper West Side suit to friend: And I was like, "but I've worn that four times, I can't wear that again. I'd just have to kill myself!"

–Broadway & 104th St

Overheard by: Cat

Man, to the tune of "Lean on Me": Sometimes in our lives/we want to jump right out the window…

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: amused

Toddler: Mommy, you make me suicidal!

–Roosevelt Island Bus

Posted on June 17, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Bus, Clothing, Friends, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kids, Madison Square Garden, Men, Moms, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, One-liners, Parents, Singing, Soho, Stupidity, Suicide, Suits, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Not Another Teen Wednesday One-Liner

High school girl: She banged some dude with no condom during her period, then she blew another guy after the basketball game.

–Panera, Queens

Overheard by: NBG1

Teen: My health teacher always yells at me for being late. Shouldn't she be, like, sustaining my self-esteem?

–Green Apple Cafe

Overheard by: Julie

Hippie teenager leaving bathroom: When I see you all later, I will not have any idea who the hell you are!

–Nokia Theater, Times Square

Overheard by: dan

Teenage girl to cute guy, after spitting on door window: I have a bad habit of spittin'.

–E Train

Overheard by: MrsBall

Teenager to crying little brother: Shut up! Stop it or I'll take away your ShamWow!

–Times Square

Overheard by: JYC

Teenage boy on cell: I won't cock-block! (pause) I won't cock-block!

–E 77th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Steve G

Posted on June 17, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brothers, Cleanliness, Condoms, Crying, Girls, Guys, Hippies, Hook Ups, Menstruation, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Psychology, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Smegma, Sorority Girls, Sports, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Theater, Threats, Time, Times Square, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder!

Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.

–New Williamsburg Cafe

Overheard by: Nick Ace

Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Southern Carnivore

White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!

–LaSalle & Broadway

Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?

–Denny's

Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Go Rangers!

Posted on June 17, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Body Parts, Brooklyn, College, Compare/Contrast, Flyer people, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, On Cell, One-liners, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Vegetarian & Vegan, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Williamsburg

Oddly Enough, It Was an Obama Hat.

German lady, to no one in particular: You know, I vunder. I tink dat de only persons in USA who vatch Two and One-Half Men are from, like, Alabama. Or Nebraska. Someplace not in a city.
Student-type guy: Oh yeah?
German lady: Oh yes, for sure. I vould be shocked if anyvone on this train watches that show. Charlie Sheen is shit.
Student-type guy: Whatever. Just don't watch it.
German lady: No, I do not vatch this. I don't have cable. I hate Charlie Sheen.
Student-type guy: No cable? How do you know anything about the show then? How do you know anything about anything?
German lady: Oh, I know lots of things.
Student-type guy: Who is the President of the United States?
German lady: (silent)
Student-type guy: Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the President of the United States is and you're talking about fucking Charlie Sheen? Get the fuck off this train! …and your hat is stupid!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Dice To That

Posted on June 15, 2009
Clothing, Foreigners, Gripes, Guys, Insults, On the Subway, President, Questions, Stupidity, TV

Guys