Wednesday One-Liners Are Shameless Pecker Checkers

Suit on cell: I said to him, "If I had my dick out on the bar, you think she wouldn't look at it?" and he kept telling me I owed her an apology, so I said, "Sweetheart, sorry I looked at your pussy." Listen, I gotta get off the train now. I'll call you back.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Pasty

Guy standing at lowered urinal to guy standing at regular height urinal: The low urinal is for the guys with big dicks, so they don't bottom out.

–Roc Restaurant

Guy to group of friends (boisterously): I only date chicks with small hands…makes my dick look huge!

–St. Andrews Bar

Overheard by: allimax

Woman (screaming into phone): Suck my dick, bitch!

–Near Manhattan Mall

Guy shouting into cell: We got a cab. And you can eat a dick.

–Hanover & Water

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, we are being delayed because some dick is holding the door. We will be moving when the dick takes his arm out the door.

–4 Train

Overheard by: jessie

Posted on May 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Bars & Clubs, BJs, Dating, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stall Spies, Subway conductors, Suits, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Colonel Sanders Eventually Got His Sales Pitch Juuuust Right

Crazy stranger: Hey kid, you're a total cunt!
16-year-old: Gee…thanks, mister.
Crazy stranger: No problem. You like chicken?

–6 Train

Posted on May 25, 2015
Crazies, Crazy, Food, Insults, On the Subway, Strangers, Teens

Psh, Like Anybody Normal Goes to Bronx Science

Nerd: They should have an alphabet bar… You know, where they sell you alphabets.
Girl: Wow, are you the new freak on the gymnastics team?

–Bronx Science Gymnastics Team

Overheard by: LSb

Posted on May 23, 2015
Bronx Science, Business and Commerce, Default, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Education, Girls, Insults, Offers and requests, Questions, School and studying, Students, Teens, The Bronx, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Voldemort’s Always Playing Hard to Get

Girl #1: Are we talking about ‘He who shall not be named’?
Girl #2: Yeah.
Girl #1: So, fuck him!
Girl #2: I should.

–Subway restaurant

Posted on May 23, 2015
Advice, Friends, Girls, Insults, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Social Construct

Angry construction worker to befuddled construction worker: Don't look at me like that! Don't say that to me! Go home and fuck my wife, asshole!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Jumana

Construction working to another: Man, I need to get me a bi girlfriend. She'd be lovin' me, and I'd be lovin' her friends.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Rich R.

Construction worker, singing: If there's a skeeter on your Peter/whack it off! (claps twice)

–Waverly Place & 5th Ave

Overheard by: steph

Tough construction worker, unloading van: Yo, I was up til like 2 am watchin' Scooby Doo Where Are You!

–Humboldt & Withers

Overheard by: francesca

Construction worker, staring up at construction skyscraper: It's all twisted. It's going to come down.

–Williams St

Overheard by: Sonya

Posted on May 23, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Brooklyn, Construction Guys, Coworkers, Gays and Lesbians, Infidelity, Insults, Masturbation, One-liners, Penis, Penn Station, Promiscuity, Relationships, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Sexuality, Singing, Street, The Village, TV, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners

While You’re a Classless Functioning Member of Society

Angry teen: You’re a crackhead!
Crackhead: Well, at least I’m a classy crackhead!

–A train, 125th St

Posted on May 22, 2015
Cocaine, Druggies, Insults, On the Subway

When God Closes a Wednesday One-Liner, He Opens a Window

Conductor: Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Please stand clear of the closing doors. (pause) Station police officer, please apprehend the man holding the doors in the 6th car. (pause, then doors close) Hahaha, that always works.

–B Train

Overheard by: JustMe

Conductor: The door in car number two is not working, if you are looking at this door not opening I recommend moving, youuuuuuuu might want to move.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Brian Broker

MTA engineer: Please use all exits. For the love of god, people, use all the doors to get out of the train. What the fuck, people, use the doors. Thank you.

–G Train

Overheard by: lolz

Conductor: Please stop holding the doors. (people continue to hold doors). I'm already on the clock, I have nowhere to be.

–A Train

Overheard by: oliviz

Disgruntled subway conductor: Listen up, y'all! This train needs to move! Do not try to hold open the doors! Do not run at closing doors! Do not stick anything in the doors! That includes arms, legs, obnoxiously expensive purses, children, animals, whatever! Let's go!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Sarah

Conductor: Please stand clear of the doors or it will bruise yo face.

–C Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 21, 2015
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Clerks, Conductors, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Laughter, Lies, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Subway conductors, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

They’ll Have Their Own Reality Show within a Year

Black lady: Listen, you camel jockey, I don’t care what you say, you was wrong to do that!
Middle Eastern man: Oh, shut up, you stupid nigga! I’m tired of hearing your shit! Go fuck yourself!
Black woman passerby: Oh my god, who the hell are you to be talking to my beautiful black sister like that?! You ain’t got no right to talk to anybody black like that!
Black lady: Bitch, who the shit are you? Don’t be talkin’ to my husband like that!

–W 4th St station

Overheard by: Mawg Spawn

Posted on May 21, 2015
Black People, Default, Family Ties, Foreigners, Insults, Men, Race, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

The Prelude to This Season's Greatest Love Story

Guy to girl singing softly with her iPod: You are the worst singer ever!
Girl: You are the worst faggot ever!

–Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway

Posted on May 21, 2015
Girls, Guys, Insults, Music, Starbucks, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on May 20, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Kids, Love, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Relationships, Shoes, Sports, Thugs, Tourists, TV, Women

Insults