Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.
–Penn Station Entrance
Overheard by: kash
Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Rehey
Girl #1: She is such a motherfucker. No -that’s not strong enough. She’s a -there aren’t words to describe her.
Girl #2: How about motherfucking motherfucker?
Girl #1: Not strong enough!
Girl #2: How about…
(girl #1 drops her bag, and stuff spills out)
Girl #1: Motherfucker!
(pause)
Girl #1: See, she can’t be a motherfucker, because that was a motherfucker!
–110th & Columbus
Flyer guy to tourist: Take it, take it, it’s free! But my weed is not. I’ll be right here until five.
–45th & Broadway
Overheard by: Engi
Yuppie guy: Hey, you wanna buy a bong and get pierced?
–MacDougal & Bleecker
Overheard by: Betty Noir
Guy listening to iPod: Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed! Pussy, money, weed!
–183rd & Audubon Ave
Overheard by: BB
Black guy to another: All those niggas do is smoke weed and call ACS on each other!
–A train, Brooklyn
Guy on cell: Dude every time she sees me she’s like, ‘O-M-G, you’re high.’ And I usually am, but like, I like to think I hide it well. But she always knows. And even so, I’m like, ‘Em, why do you have to comment on it every single time? At the dorms, at parties, even at Target one time!’ Hahaha… But anyway, we might come Thursday. I’ll see if my funds are in order to make the trip. What kind of shit would we have to wear? Beach stuff? Oooh, and I could rock my stunna shades.
–6 train
Guy outside MTV studios: Stay calm. Everything is going to be okay. There will be marijuana giveaways.
–1515 Broadway
Overheard by: Rebecca
Hobo: July 31st! July 31st is the deadline, everyone! You must write your letters of apology to Bush or he’ll drop another bomb in the ocean and you can say “Good-bye” to Sri Lanka!
–17th & 8th
Overheard by: Edwin Lam
Crazy guy: Son of a bitch! Why is it so hard to find true love? Don’t look at me like that. You want quiet? Go to the library. You think I want your money? I don’t need your money! Look at all these dollar bills on my pants! If I want money, I just peel one off.
–6 train
Crazy guy: Fuck you and your stupid leg. You fucking cunt! Cunt! Cunt!
–L train
Overheard by: Jonathan Farbowitz
Drunk old Black guy: …people, we got these rhythms… rhythms that just don’t connect. I got rhythms, and you girls have got rhythms, but can we dance together? No, no…we can’t. That’s what happened when the Black man came to America, babies. Black and white, we just can’t dance, babies. But you girls should dance with me.
–13th & 6th
Crazy shirtless guy: Order in the court! Order in the court! Y’all is not guilty. Now get the hell outta here!
–Port Authority
Hobo: Does anybody on this bus have change for 36 nickels?
–M60 bus
Overheard by: Oz Skinner
Girl: I’m sorry I kicked you into a VIP table. I love you.
Guy: I’m sorry I called you a slut. I love you, too.
–L train
Security guy: Ma’am, please step into the back of the store.
Chick: But why?
Security guy: Don’t make this harder on yourself.
Chick: But why?
Shopgirl: They do make it harder on themselves, don’t they?
Chick: Fuck you!
–Sephora, Spring & Broadway
Guy to security guard: We're not fucking tourists, man, we're just trying to get back to our home in Jersey.
–Port Authority
Overheard by: Confabulation Nation
Metrosexual guy: There are two kinds of people I will never, ever, date. One are people who are culturally ignorant. The second is people from New Jersey.
–45th & 5th
Overheard by: Mr. Pink
Proper British woman to loud drunk guy: Go back to Jersey!
–BB King Concert, Christ United Church
Overheard by: bb
Uptight 40-something white guy: I can't wait to get safely back in New Jersey!
–A Train
Overheard by: JoshBob
Suit on phone: The dream was strange…we are in a library …I say something like "it's a liability." Then you said "your mom's a liability." That was it…I don't know.
–Gramercy Park
Overheard by: POLA
Young suit to another: The world is not your oyster!
–Bryant Park
Overheard by: Amy
Suit to another, as 30-something woman in skirt and high heels passes by: Yowza! And that ends our case study!
–Madison Ave & 40th St
Overheard by: Casey
Stressed female suit: No one gives a fuck anymore. Everyone's just gonna do what they want. And any further complaints can be directed to my ass.
–University St b/w 8th & Waverly
Middle-aged Asian man in three-piece suit on cell: I mean, how can I live like Bond if I'm married?
–46th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: dr. no, i dont do
20-something female suit on cell: Baby, I would love to go to dinner, but you have two options: dinner or sex. I only have time for one.
–27th St & Park Ave
Angry hipster girl, crossing intersection diagonally: Fuck them! I have the fucking right of way!
Hipster boyfriend: No, you don't! You just walked through the middle of an intersection!
Angry hipster girl: I don't fucking care, I still have the fucking right of way!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: Phillip
