Guy #1: You the Grinch, nigga!
Guy #2: I'm the Grinch? How?
Guy #1: I dunno. You just the Grinch.
Guy #2: You're the Grinch, you little fuck!
Guy #1: I can't be the Grinch. I have Christmas spirit.
–F Train
Guy #1: You the Grinch, nigga!
Guy #2: I'm the Grinch? How?
Guy #1: I dunno. You just the Grinch.
Guy #2: You're the Grinch, you little fuck!
Guy #1: I can't be the Grinch. I have Christmas spirit.
–F Train
Woman #1: Any time she needs a cigarette, she comes to me.
Woman #2: Uh-huh.
Woman #1: And I be, like, when I need a cigarette, why ain't your monkey-ass never have none?
–Marcy & Fulton, Brooklyn
Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #2: [Nods.]Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #3: [Nods.]Black lady #1: You know Earl?
Black lady #4: [Shakes head.]Black lady #1: You don’t wanna know that mothafuckah — that is one nasty-ass nigga.
–Flatbush Ave-bound 4 train
Magyar lady #1: See that woman over there? Why does a woman that big come out of the house?
Magyar lady #2: And that floral dress? She looks like an elephant!
Magyar lady #1: Oh look, the elephant is walking past again.
Magyar lady #2: Why don’t any of the elephant’s friends tell her how bad she looks?
Guy on next bench: If you ladies will excuse me, I’m off to go join my wife, the elephant.
Translated from the Hungarian.
–Fort Tryon Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Girl on phone: Oh my god, mom! Aren't you so excited about these new reforms? I am so excited about these new reforms! Almost as excited as I am about my new water bottle!
–Barnard College Campus
Black guy to two other guys: And then he disrespected me… So I threw a bottle of Snapple at his head.
–Central Park
Guy selling water in the street: Ice cold water! Ice cold water! One dollar. Only a dollar. It's only a dollar, assholes!
–Harlem
Guy speaking to someone else: Juice! It's moose, with a j, holla!
–Highline Ballroom
Overheard by: Pasha
Hobo: Was it right to be kicked out of a house for being an adult with a child mind? You don’t get it, lady. There’s a whole house of adults with child minds. Whatever. See ya! Wouldn’t want to be ya!
–F train
Queer: He totally has to understand that he’s crazy and that those Martha Stewart people are crazy too!
–27th street office
Crazy lady: Well, I think you should give me my musical instruments back because I know that you’ve been stealing them every day for the last nine years. Yes, I’m sure! I have proof. You see, that’s not music. That’s not rock and roll. That’s just crazy.
–Bedford Avenue station
Overheard by: Greg Rutter
Crazy man: I already told you I don’t have no chicken. Besides, I gave you that tree last week.
–54th & 11th
Crazy woman: I’ve got demons behind me, shit next to me, and the ugly ones in front of me. I need an angel above me.
–World Financial Center
Overheard by: Dr. Ballon
Crazy bag lady: Stay away from the people! Stay away from the idiot Mexicans!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Kaitlen
Suit: …and I swear to God, man, the whole time? That creepy deaf-mute babysitter from across the hall?…is watching me.
–46th & 8th
Overheard by: ballpeen hammer
Crazy lady: I don’t believe this. Pussyass son of a fucking faggot!
–Lexington & 23rd
Hobo: Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you! Would someone please tell Courtney Love to get her goddamned dick out of my mouth? Thank you!
–19th between 7th & 8th
I had just missed the train and was waiting on the bench at the end of the platform when a ragged looking crazy man starts pacing around in front of me. He says to himself: …and when I don’t take my medication, I get a little crazy, but I don’t like to take it because it makes me feel different…New Yorkers are all rude. In New Jersey they’ll say “Hi” back to you and ask how you are doing. New Yorkers are all rude or scared.
Crazy man sits a seat down from me. I am a typical computer tech: glasses, chunky, and neat. I am looking straight at the tracks, ignoring him.
Crazy man: This city’s full of queers and niggers and geeks, yeah geeks.
He looks at me and says: They’re all rude or scared. Scared that you’ll beat them. Beat on them. You know what I mean?
I don’t answer and am looking away from him.
Crazy man: See! See! Rude…scared.
He opens a NY Post.
Crazy man: Look at all these murders. All these people dying. Ever think they deserved to die, though?
I get up and walk all the way to the other end of the platform. The F train comes and I get on and sit down. I hear a voice next to me: Ever get the feeling you’re being followed?
–Delancey Street station
Overheard by: Matt
Old Chinese lady: No luggage allowed. Leave it outside. This is my building! I own it!
(College kid, obviously from out of town, leaves in fear)
Old Chinese lady: Puta!
(college kid scurries away)
College kid on cell: Yeah, I did what they say on Law & Order. Never make eye contact with a New Yorker.
–Penn Station Entrance
Overheard by: kash
Dad: So what did you learn in school today?
Son: Ummm…a tomato is a fruit.
Dad: What? A tomato is a fruit?
Son: Yeah, cause it has seeds.
Dad: You’re telling me a tomato is a fruit? Is a pumpkin a fruit?
Son: Yeah, they have seeds.
Dad: What about a cucumber, is that a fruit?
Son: No.
Dad: What about a squash? A zucchini? You know what I think? I think you’re the fruit!
Son: No, I don’t have seeds.
Dad: …I’m not going there.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Rehey
Girl #1: She is such a motherfucker. No -that’s not strong enough. She’s a -there aren’t words to describe her.
Girl #2: How about motherfucking motherfucker?
Girl #1: Not strong enough!
Girl #2: How about…
(girl #1 drops her bag, and stuff spills out)
Girl #1: Motherfucker!
(pause)
Girl #1: See, she can’t be a motherfucker, because that was a motherfucker!
–110th & Columbus
