Old lady walking with tiny dog, arm extended: Taxi! Taxi! Goddamn it! Taxi! We have to get out of here now! Taxi!
Nearby doorman: I'll hail you a cab, ma'am.
Old lady: You shut your dirty mouth!
–64th & York
Overheard by: Nora
Old lady walking with tiny dog, arm extended: Taxi! Taxi! Goddamn it! Taxi! We have to get out of here now! Taxi!
Nearby doorman: I'll hail you a cab, ma'am.
Old lady: You shut your dirty mouth!
–64th & York
Overheard by: Nora
Woman to another: I mean, about the thing… he is ugly but at least he get it up!
–Abingdon Square Park
Man to friend: Ugly people aren't people!
–10th St & 5th Ave
Suit: Yeah, I couldn't deal with the paparazzi. I once saw a picture of Katie Holmes with a pimple, and now I think she's the ugliest person I ever saw.
–Governors Island
Overheard by: Natalie
Girl to guy friend: I cannot believe you volunteered me like that! I'm going to start volunteering you to people… unattractive people. Like Leroy*.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Michael O'Connor
Bus driver on packed bus: Okay, everybody, we need to reorganize the bus. Can all the good-looking people move to the back of the bus, and all the ugly-looking people move to the front? Thank you.
–M86 Bus
Overheard by: Michael
Guy on cell: I'm walking down St. Marks, and I'm having psychological issues. That's why I'm calling this NYU support number.
–Astor Place
Overheard by: A preponderance of hipsters can sort of do that to you…
Stylish guy on phone: No, I do not have time to check if anyone is gesticulating at me, I'm walking to Chipotle!
–Sock Man, St. Mark's Place
Overheard by: Rachel Isadora
Thick-accented gentleman: You nevah saw that movie? Penguins walkin'?
–Smith & Wollensky's Steakhouse
Overheard by: kritta
Too-tan Columbia student: Oh my god! You should totally have picked up your phone the other night because I was totally ready to, like, walk by myself down 122nd Street to the d train, alone, at like, midnight! Even though I know it wouldn't have been very safe to do that, I was ready!
–Uptown 2 Train
Woman to another, holding the strings to 100 helium balloons: You never walk my balloons!
–Lafayette & Cumberland, Fort Greene
Overheard by: Brenda
Man: I could die for a cracker.
Woman: You're really serious about that Atkins diet, huh?
Man: The closest thing I get to carbs these days is doggy style sex with you.
–5th St & Broadway
Man: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Boy: Generally impressive.
–Riverside Park
Overheard by: Michael
Large black woman to another: So I said to him, "Muthafucka, don't you know a baby comes out of that shit? Ain't nothing you got down there gonna hurt me!"
–Fulton St
Old man with thick Russian accent: It is fresher than a baby's bottom!
–Ave M & E 16th, Brooklyn
Ghetto black guy on phone: Nah, I was locked up, but I'm out now, and she's tryin' to say it's my baby, but that shit ain't mine.
–Downtown 2 Train
Man on cell, passing adorable child playing with dog: I love fucking babies!
–10th & 53rd
Puerto Rican girl to pregnant friend: You feel like you have to poop, but that's just the baby.
–36th St & 34th Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: Bryan Bruner
Conductor: Ma'am, please step off the ramp platform and wait until it is safe. (pause) Miss, you're having a frickin' baby, get off the ramp! (she does) Thank you.
–Metro-North Rail Tracks
Overheard by: Theonlyonewhoseemedtonotice
Teenage mother to friends, running to catch subway: Last one gets the baby!
–Broadway
Overheard by: Francisco S. Ramírez
Middle-aged guy: So yeah, after I broke my ankle playing racquetball, I can’t really play basketball anymore.
Old guy: Well, can you still go hiking?
Middle-aged guy: Yeah, I guess so, since it’s not like, high impact.
Old guy: …What about trampolines?
Middle-aged guy: Naw, man. Those days are over.
–A train
Overheard by: Aryn M
Man: I am concerned about breeding.
Friend: Breeding?!
Man: Yeah, you know — Jews are pretty inbred. I’m probably going to have kids with three fingers or something. I should have married someone into running — big and athletic.
–Central Park Reservoir
Headline by: Brooklyn Twang
Runners-Up:
· “But Jews Do Run. They Run Everything.” – Rottin’ in Denmark
· “Instead Of That Gimp Cousin Of Mine” – Uberjim
· “The E in EHarmony Stands for Eugenics” – quazarfreez
· “The Final Solution 2.0” – Scott Gresham
· “They’re Called Germans: But They May Not Be So Into That…” – Caitorade
· “You Know, Someone Who Could Win a “Master Race”” – Mike T
Man #1: Did I tell you how fucking pissed off I was last night?
Man #2: No.
Man #1: I was fucking pissed off last night. Really bad.
–43rd St b/w Lexington & 3rd
Man: I never understood what that meant: “brickoven.”
Woman: It means it's cooked in a brick oven.
–Grimaldi's Pizza
Overheard by: Stacy
