Oddly Enough, It Was an Obama Hat.

German lady, to no one in particular: You know, I vunder. I tink dat de only persons in USA who vatch Two and One-Half Men are from, like, Alabama. Or Nebraska. Someplace not in a city.
Student-type guy: Oh yeah?
German lady: Oh yes, for sure. I vould be shocked if anyvone on this train watches that show. Charlie Sheen is shit.
Student-type guy: Whatever. Just don't watch it.
German lady: No, I do not vatch this. I don't have cable. I hate Charlie Sheen.
Student-type guy: No cable? How do you know anything about the show then? How do you know anything about anything?
German lady: Oh, I know lots of things.
Student-type guy: Who is the President of the United States?
German lady: (silent)
Student-type guy: Are you fucking kidding me? You don't know who the President of the United States is and you're talking about fucking Charlie Sheen? Get the fuck off this train! …and your hat is stupid!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: Dice To That

Posted on June 15, 2009
Clothing, Foreigners, Gripes, Guys, Insults, On the Subway, President, Questions, Stupidity, TV

The First Glitch in Your Matrix Is Always the Hardest, Honey

Obese middle-aged lady: So I went to mail a letter…and the mailbox I've used for 25 years was gone! What do you think that even means? Did someone steal it? Why would they just remove a mailbox?
Skinny middle-aged white man, incredulously: I've never heard of anything like that in my entire life.
Obese middle-aged lady: I know, I was literally standing there for 15 minutes wondering what to do. I missed my train, I really don't know why they would remove a mailbox.
Skinny middle-aged white man: That is crazy. I've never heard of that.
(couple then repeats variations of the same conversation for the next three stops)

–Downtown 1 Train

Posted on June 13, 2009
Crazy, Fat People, Men, On the Subway, Skinny People, Stupidity, Thievery, Weirdness, White People, Women

People Are Drawn to Closing Doors, Like Moths to a Flame

Conductor, very loudly and emphatically: This is 28th Street. 34th Street is next, stand clear of the closing doors!
Four-year-old girl to mother: Why is he upset?

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: mersayseh

Posted on June 13, 2009
Conductors, Directions, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, Parents, Public Transportation, Questions

I Was Told There'd Be No Wednesday One-Liner on This Exam

Train conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there are four doors on each subway car. If one of them is crowded, walk over to another door. Seriously! We do not need 86 people standing at 86th Street. Just move to another door. It's simple mathematics!

–C Train

Teen shopper to friend: I like hate math except for like…when I'm counting calories and stuff.

–Fashion Closet

Girl to guy: Some people believe in the laws of attraction, I believe in the laws of subtraction.

–Bus Stop Cafe

Pharmacist to another: What's one half of a half?

–CVS

African-American father to five-year-old daughter: You see? That's why I send you to a Chinese school. Because those Chinese kids know how to do math. You gotta know how to do math if you want to make something of yourself. If I sent you to a black school, you'd just turn into a crackhead. If I sent you to a white school you'd turn into an asshole. But those Chinese kids, man, they know how to do shit.

–4 Train

Teacher: And if your friend comes up to you and says, "man, yesterday I had cosecant pi plus cotangent 2 pi slices of pizza today," …and you went and figured it out, you'd look at him and say "man, you're an asshole!"

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: Kevo

Posted on June 10, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Dads, Diet/Weight, Education, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hunter, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pizza, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Science, Store, Stupidity, Subway conductors, Teachers/Professors, Teens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Contemplate Eating Their Young

Man yelling at children: If I see it I spank it!

–94th St & Columbus

Overheard by: olivia

Mother to complaining seven-year-old daughter: Let's pretend we're the Israelites wandering in the desert.

–42nd St & 8th Ave

Mom to child: If you do that again, I swear to god, I will make you ride outside! I will strap you to the wing and make you ride outside!

–JetBlue Plane, JFK Tarmac

Woman to small child looking at store window: Jean-Claude, you simply cannot be this demanding at two and a half!

–3rd Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Paula Katinas

Mother to screaming child: You are so mean! Who raised you? Wild animals? Indians?

–Greene St, SoHo

Overheard by: Mememonkey

Mom getting on subway to small kids: Well, now you know what "burlesque" means!

–1 Train

Posted on June 10, 2009
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, JFK Airport, Judaism, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Shopping, Should've Used a Condom, Soho, Street, Threats, Time, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Or Your Racist Riddles, Doreen

Girl: Do you think Africans take antidepressants?
Guy: I really don't like you.

–L Train

Posted on June 5, 2009
Foreigners, Girls, Guys, KKK, On the Subway, Psychology, Questions

Ooo, or the Law and Order Sound!

Hot 20-something: I can't believe that the last time we had sex, when you orgasmed you were like “ooooh, ooooooh, oooooooh!” From now on, I'm gonna start making some funny noises myself.
Hot 30-something: Oh yeah?
Hot 20-something: Yeah, from now on, when you're like “ooooh,” I'm gonna be like “moo!” or maybe “meow!”

–R Train

Overheard by: Jackie

Posted on June 4, 2009
Couples, On the Subway, Orgasm, Sex, Weirdness, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Again, Amy Didn't Expect It to Be Beautiful

Little boy to mother: Mommy, what is that?
Mother: It's a woman, sweetie.
Little girl, screaming to mother: Mommy, she's naked! That woman is naked!
(mother ignores her)
Little girl, whispering: She's naked, she's a naked woman.

–1 Train

Posted on June 2, 2009
Families, Kids, Moms, Nudity, On the Subway, Parents, Questions, Weirdness

As It Clearly States in That Letter from Paul to the Ephesians

Thug: So growing up, he used to be this little guy with a fat face, all squinched up, with a huge mushroom haircut. And then high school hits, and bam! He grows his hair long…
Thugette: I know! He's like Jesus Christ! Oh my god!
Thug: Yeah! If you gave him a haircut and a little shape-up, he'd totally be Jesus.
Thugette, laughing hysterically: You think Jesus was getting a shape-up all the time? I don't think Jesus needed no shape-up!

–1 Train

Posted on June 2, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Fitness, Hair, History & Geography, Jesus, On the Subway, Thugs

On the Subway