People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

Posted on May 18, 2016
Activists, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Brooklyn, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Crazy, Drunks, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Girls, Guys, Madison Square Garden, One-liners, Penis, Rednecks, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, The Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

What is Winter, If Not the Frozen Aged?

Very old woman (to hobo): …I already told you! If I had any money, you think I’d be walking out here in this?

–2nd Ave. & 16th St.

Overheard by: garrett

Posted on May 10, 2016
Money & Class, Old People, One-liners, Stuyvesant Town, Weather

Them’s Fightin’ Wednesday One-Liners

Guy to other guy: You might be dead and I might be in jail, but I’ll still kick yo ass.

–Vanderbilt Ave near Grand Central

Posted on May 1, 2016
Death, Fighting and ass kicking, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, One-liners, Prison

Wednesday Doesn't Eat Enough to Keep a One-Liner Alive

Skinny professor: John* [a chubby professor] and I started Weight Watchers together at the same time!

–Hostos Faculty Dining Room

Overheard by: glad she's leaving

Skinny girl to clerk: Hi, do you have a soy-based, non-dairy substitute for heavy cream?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: office peon loves Thanksgiving food

Girl ordering Coffee Coolatta with skim milk: I hope this tastes as good as it did when I was anorexic. Everything tasted good back then…

–Dunkin Donuts, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: allison

Jewish grandmotherly type: Women with anorexia seem to have such strange eating habits.

–Upper West Side

Anorexic-looking girl: I want a tic tac. I'm hungry.

–95th & 2nd

Posted on April 30, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anorexic, Brooklyn, Clerks, College, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Diet/Weight, Food, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Jewish Moms, Nostalgia, One-liners, Skinny People, Street, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Blame Their Mothers

CCNY student: I've always thought he has psychological problems. (pause) Like, he's one of those people that has to flip the light switch 17 times or the whole world dies.

–Hallway, CCNY

Overheard by: ladyliver

Suit on cell: She is trying to get a good education so that she can pay for therapy later on.

–1250 Broadway

Loud male customer counting out packets of chewing tobacco: One! Two! Three! Four! Five! Six! Ever since I quit my job at Sesame Street, I can't seem to live my life. Kermit is my shrink, so of course I'm screwed…

–Smoke Shop, Park Slope

Overheard by: Kiri

Dude hanging up his cell: Oh my god, I think all Jewish girls need therapy.

–Good Stuff Diner, 14th St

Overheard by: Kosi

Suit on cell: Dude, I know, but like, you either get help, or you're normal. (pause) No, dude, pick one, get help or be normal. Damn.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Sarah

History teacher to class: Does that make you uncomfortable? Because I know I'm mental.

–Bronx High School of Science

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on April 24, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bronx Science, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, City College, Crazy, Customers, Death, Education, Guys, On Cell, One-liners, Park Slope, Port Authority, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, TV, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Remember: No Eucharist After Midnight

Kid: John Paul II was like Furby…and this new guy is like a gremlin.

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: jessi

Posted on March 21, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Kids, One-liners, Pope, The Bronx

Mr. Kent, Are You Not in Fact the Man of Steal?

Man on phone: I didn’t steal it, I took it! I don’t steal!

–Avenue of the Americas

Overheard by: Kit

Posted on March 20, 2016
Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Thievery

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months!

–E 9th St & University Place

Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: office peon

Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage!

–Uptown 2 Train

Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments.

–96th & Broadway

Posted on March 17, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Couples, Death, Drunks, Elementary & Middle School, Families, Girls, Men, Names, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, The Village, Time, Trees and plants, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

Posted on March 13, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Bars & Clubs, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, The Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners for Chosen People

Girl: And it’s so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on March 10, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia University, Girls, Global Geography, Hitler/Nazis, Idiots, Judaism, One-liners