Wednesday One-Liners Prove That Nowhere Is Safe from Our Spies

Exasperated mother to child in toilet stall: Hurry up and poop!

–Ladies’ Restroom, Penn Station

Overheard by: Betsy

[Girl is taking a piss in bathroom, friend shuts off lights.]Girl: Biiitch! You know my pussy don’t glow in the dark!

–Williamsburg, Brooklyn

Lady in bathroom stall: [Grunts, groans grunts again.] [Pause.] Oh my god, I peed on the floor!

–Sheraton Hotel

Overheard by: Morgan

Hungover senior, chanting loudly over sound of own urination in bathroom: Allllllllll riiighty thennnnnnn! Ahhhhhhhh!

–SVA Animation Department

Overheard by: Laughing

Man farting at urinal, to friend at urinal next to him: Hey, man, what do you think about piss farts?

–Kimmel Center, NYU

Overheard by: JO in Bobst

Girl: I’m not looking. I don’t want to see your vagina. Even if we are family.

–AMC Theater Restroom, Times Square

Overheard by: wondering what’s going on in the next stall

[Horrific sounds heard in adjacent stall for 3 minutes.]Co-worker, yelling: "I’m sorry, I had milk!"

–Office bathroom, 31st Street

Posted on May 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Apologies, Cleanliness, Coworkers, Family Ties, Farting & Burping, Girls, Hotels, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, NYU, Offers and requests, Parents, Pee, Penn Station, Poop, Questions, Stall Spies, Students, Theater, Times Square, Vagina, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Since I Went Into the Bathroom and Adjusted

Columbia guy #1: Dude, how’s your Gestalt?
Columbia guy #2: My Gestalt is in an excellent place right now.

–Dining Hall, Barnard College

Posted on April 30, 2015
Columbia (& Barnard), Default, Guys, Questions, Students, Weirdness, Words

That's What You Say About Every Train

College guy to friends: Where does the z train go?
Friend #1: Never heard of it before.
Friend #2: It's probably that train in the third Matrix movie.

–Canal St

Overheard by: justin

Posted on April 29, 2015
Directions, Friends, Movies, Public Transportation, Questions, Soho, Students

Do the Polite Thing and Just Buy Her a Nose Job For Her 21st Birthday

NYU girl #1: I am so fucking sick of the Jews for Jesus everywhere.
NYU girl #2: Yeah, I know, it’s really annoying.
NYU girl #1: It’s not annoying; it’s fucking insulting! What, do I look Jewish to them? I mean, seriously, I don’t, do I? You’d tell me if I looked Jewish, right?

–Washington Sq Park

Overheard by: Emily

Posted on April 27, 2015
Assholes, Girls, Gripes, Idiots, Insults, Judaism, Parks, Students, Stupidity

Cannot Identify Vulcans by Their Blood Color

Teacher: This is pretty darn green bromothymol blue.
Student: What color’s it supposed to be?
Teacher: Um, bromothymol blue.

–Stuyvesant High

Posted on April 25, 2015
Colors, Students, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors

Like the Hollywood Strings’ Version of “Hey, Jude”?

NYU dude: Muffled i-Pod noises are the new elevator music.
NYU chick: I miss the old elevator music.

–Elevator, Silver Center, NYU

Posted on April 24, 2015
Elevators, Music, NYU, Students

It’s in the Alternate Universe Confederacy

Midwood girl #1: Hey, where is Maryland anyway?
Midwood girl #2: It’s in D.C. somewhere.
Midwood girl #1: Oh, right.

–Flatbush bagel shop

Overheard by: Ford Madox Hueffer

Posted on April 23, 2015
Brooklyn, History & Geography, People, Places, Restaurants & Cafes, Students, Teens, Topics, U.S. Geography

…Since It's Already My “Status” on Facebook…

Student: Do you hate me, Mr Jones*?
Mr Jones*: I usually don't admit it, but in this case…

–Stuyvesant High School

Posted on April 23, 2015
Gripes, Men, Questions, Students, Stuyvesant, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life

NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise…

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Lexey

Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I’d kill him.

–Freddy’s Bar, Brooklyn

Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn’t know it because I came out black.

–Museum Mile

Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot… No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you’d have to try out and stuff, but it’d so be worth it.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St

Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!

–Cardozo High School

MTA elevator operator to another: You don’t have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.

–1 train station elevator, 168th St

Overheard by: martin gehrke

Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she’s messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: dutchman