Wednesday One-Liners

It’s Funny ’til Somebody Breaks Their Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.

–86th & Broadway

Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.

–6 train

Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.

–4 train

Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…

–8th & Broadway

Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Kyle

Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

Wednesday One-Liner's Last Dance with Mary Jane

Professor: We will talk about the JDC–the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.

–Queens College

Overheard by: ShaniP

Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: penelope

Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Rhian

College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!

–Time Square

Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagster

Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags… (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.

–Times Square

Overheard by: mary jane

Wednesday One-liners Use Safety Scissors

Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right?

–83rd & York

Overheard by: Will

Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship.

–Duane & Broadway

Overheard by: McGins

Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider!

–Broadway & Bleecker

Overheard by: jillypickle

Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate?

–M train

Overheard by: Jane

Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too!

–Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square

McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”?

–McDonald’s, 44th and Lex

Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too?

–Office, 40th & 3rd

Overheard by: Colin F.

There Are No Small Wednesdays– Only Small One-Liners.

Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!

–72nd & Columbus

Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.

–Victoria's Secret

Overheard by: Emm

Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: TheMac

Undercover DEA Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I’m in a… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? … Crack-infested neighborhood.

–9th & 26th, Queens

Overheard by: B. D.

Disheveled punk teen girl: No! My 72-hour drug binge is starting now!

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Crazy lady: … So I hung the crack pipe on the cross which gave me the right to say no to drugs… Hallelujah!

–2 train

Overheard by: with a K

Suit on cell: Yeah, I talked to him the other day. Right? I think he turned gay. Or he had a drug abuse problem.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Nick

Lady: I’m ready to yodel! Do I smell hashish?!

–Central Park SummerStage

Fiction professor: I would find writing about investment bankers very difficult because I find them boring when I meet them. I start to like them when they start snorting coke. Then their dialogue becomes much more interesting.

–The New School

Middle-aged lady on cell: I need to start sniffing more glue.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Amy Jill

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.

–Restaurant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Overheard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gabriel

Wednesday One-liners Wanna Get High

Goth boy: Either I just saw Gollum eating sushi off of Rose Cotton’s naked body, or I am coked up to the gills!

–E train

Overheard by: Biff Largemeats

Chick: Ya know, I gotta say, you really do need to take drugs to be interesting. ‘Cuase without ’em, you’re really boring.

–Rue B, Avenue B

Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci

Guy: I can’t do acid but I can do shrooms. Especially shroom tea.

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: Joel

Artsy girl: It’s made me so much more creative, and that’s, like, so much more important for my art than anything else. And the buzz is great, too.

–14th & 5th

Guy: Oh I always have a Metrocard on me…they’re great for cutting up coke.

–Astor Place station

Chick: It’s not like there’s a moral high ground when it comes to methadone.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Sara Beane

Girl on cell: I know, that’s the worst! You have to try that towel-on-the-floor thing, and that never works.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: jaykayess

Wednesday One-liners…In Bed

Woman: If I’m not ovulating by Thursday, I’m going to be pissed!

–57th between 7th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cal Chemical

Very old man: …yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.

–Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Wednesdays Pad Their One-Liners

Football player on razor scooter, chasing shirtless theater major: I'll get you my pretty… And your little dick too!

–Wagner College

Girl, looking at long ladies bathroom queue: At times like these, I wish women had dicks.

–Winter Garden Theatre

Slightly drunk man: I feel like someone just shut a door on my dick.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Hooker to pimp: I had to suck his dick in front of everyone!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: David

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