Wednesday One-Liners

There Are No Small Wednesdays– Only Small One-Liners.

Girl on cell, defiantly: Listen, I can keep my midget in your closet whenever I damn please!

–72nd & Columbus

Man handing out cards to random passers-by: They have midget strippers, buddy, and you can bring your guitar!

–42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Katy

Guy, to friend: You can't call yourself a grown man if you sit down and your feet dangle off the chair.

–Victoria's Secret

Overheard by: Emm

Black guy pushing cart: Man, I miss my two-headed midget friend… He was my best man.

–Union Square

Woman on cell: Have I been an angry little munchkin?

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: TheMac

Undercover DEA Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: I’m in a… Oh, what’s the word I’m looking for? … Crack-infested neighborhood.

–9th & 26th, Queens

Overheard by: B. D.

Disheveled punk teen girl: No! My 72-hour drug binge is starting now!

–14th & University

Overheard by: rachel

Crazy lady: … So I hung the crack pipe on the cross which gave me the right to say no to drugs… Hallelujah!

–2 train

Overheard by: with a K

Suit on cell: Yeah, I talked to him the other day. Right? I think he turned gay. Or he had a drug abuse problem.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Nick

Lady: I’m ready to yodel! Do I smell hashish?!

–Central Park SummerStage

Fiction professor: I would find writing about investment bankers very difficult because I find them boring when I meet them. I start to like them when they start snorting coke. Then their dialogue becomes much more interesting.

–The New School

Middle-aged lady on cell: I need to start sniffing more glue.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Amy Jill

Decent, Churchgoing Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on phone: Look, motherfucker — I’ll wear what I want to church on Sunday.

–Restaurant, 46th St

Black woman: Yeah, chips and soda for a dollar! That’s one church I won’t go back to.

–F train

Overheard by: Kevin Z

Guy on cell: I don’t need to fucking hear that at home! That’s what I’ve got church for!

–Broome & Allen

Mother to small daughter outside St. Patrick’s: Stop crying — I know it looks more like a haunted house than a church.

–St. Patrick’s Cathedral, 5th Ave

Black dude: Nigga, nuns ain’t real.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Gabriel

Wednesday One-liners Wanna Get High

Goth boy: Either I just saw Gollum eating sushi off of Rose Cotton’s naked body, or I am coked up to the gills!

–E train

Overheard by: Biff Largemeats

Chick: Ya know, I gotta say, you really do need to take drugs to be interesting. ‘Cuase without ’em, you’re really boring.

–Rue B, Avenue B

Overheard by: Lisa Ramaci

Guy: I can’t do acid but I can do shrooms. Especially shroom tea.

–Houston & Essex

Overheard by: Joel

Artsy girl: It’s made me so much more creative, and that’s, like, so much more important for my art than anything else. And the buzz is great, too.

–14th & 5th

Guy: Oh I always have a Metrocard on me…they’re great for cutting up coke.

–Astor Place station

Chick: It’s not like there’s a moral high ground when it comes to methadone.

–Carroll Gardens

Overheard by: Sara Beane

Girl on cell: I know, that’s the worst! You have to try that towel-on-the-floor thing, and that never works.

–18th & 5th

Overheard by: jaykayess

Wednesday One-liners…In Bed

Woman: If I’m not ovulating by Thursday, I’m going to be pissed!

–57th between 7th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cal Chemical

Very old man: …yeah, he slept with many different men in his bed for many years.

–Eye to Eye Vision, Union Square

Overheard by: Rachel W

Wednesdays Pad Their One-Liners

Football player on razor scooter, chasing shirtless theater major: I'll get you my pretty… And your little dick too!

–Wagner College

Girl, looking at long ladies bathroom queue: At times like these, I wish women had dicks.

–Winter Garden Theatre

Slightly drunk man: I feel like someone just shut a door on my dick.

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Sunny

Hooker to pimp: I had to suck his dick in front of everyone!

–Outside Penn Station

Overheard by: David

Wednesday One-Liners Really Bug Me

Geek speedwalking through rush-hour crowd with hands over head: Parasites, parasites, parasites!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: it is what it is

African-American lady: The secret life of… What? Who's "bees"?

–Loews Kips Bay

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Woman: I'm a fruit fly. That's like a fag hag, only prettier.

–3rd & St. Mark's

Female suit on cell: We're dealing with racist ladybugs here.

–44th & Lexington

Overheard by: LP421

Do They Make a Glade Plug-In for Wednesday One-Liners?

Little girl, running along platform: Mommy! Mommy! Slow down! Mommy, it smells like penis in here!

–Grand Central

Girl to another: Do you have a hand wipe? I totally smell like rape right now.

–44th St & Broadway

Guy to friend: She said I smelled like shit and I said, "what like, asshole?"

–59th St & Lexington

Girl on phone: Your hands smell like what? Your hands smell like urine? Why would you say that?

–Brooklyn College

Hobo on overcrowded train: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Homeless Ed, and I am homeless, and I smell like shit. If any of you can spare some change so I can buy some deodorant, it would be greatly appreciated.

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: christopher james

Female grad student on cell: Have you ever done the inter-borough walk of shame smelling like penis?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Conductor: This is East Broadway station, and something smells yummy.

–F Train

Wednesday One-Liners from Joe’s Apartment

Man: Would you rather have a hat made of spiders or penises for fingers?

–93rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Steve

Woman on cell: She told me she felt like a pecan pie covered in roaches. Isn’t that weird? So I told her, ‘Honey, it’s time to call the exterminator.’

–Smith & Warren St, Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Hobo: You’re nothing but a flea on a tick’s ass!

–18th & Park

Hippie: So, I’m standing there naked and this roach is sizing up my junk…

–Shuttle

Overheard by: Capitalist Pig

Chick on cell: … Well, if you didn’t throw spiders at him…

–15th & 7th

Cube dweller: I think spiders would like my head — so much empty space to crawl around in.

–Butterick Building, NYU School of Law

Overheard by: missing in action

Don't Hate the Wednesday One-Liner, Hate the Game

(a pigeon flies up to a rambling bike messenger)
Bike messenger: Hey, bird. Whadda ya say? How you doing? You play baseball? What position? First base? Third? Catcher?

–47th & Madison

Ditzy teen on cell: Why can't they, like, have two footballs instead so both teams could score?

–Doctor's Office, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Professor: Did I tell you guys I'm getting into professional wrestling?

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Didn't want the details

Guy to another, screaming at the top of his lungs: It's fucking field hockey! It's a girl's sport! Why are you even on the team?! You make me sick!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Scott Jurkowski

Train conductor, announcing stop: Willets point, Shea Stadium…home of that *other* team.

–Willets Point, Queens

Overheard by: Random Asian Chick

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