MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry…what?
Girl: It’s like, when you’re sad and you masturbate!
–Kimmel Center, Washington Square South
Overheard by: Athena
Woman: …so, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to masturbate or cry!
–Comfort Diner, West 23rd Street
Guy: He totally harassed my mother into getting a haircut. It was basically like rape. Except, you know, with a haircut.
–6 train
Overheard by: Always Amazed
20-something: It’s one of those bars in Williamsburg that you can’t get in unless you have a mustache.
–Brooklyn-bound L train
College girl: Do you want glow-in-the-dark body hair?
–LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: catherine
Chick in elevator: I don’t complain about stuff. Well, maybe my hair, but only because my hair is, like, really, really important!
–NYU Palladium
Tourist dad braiding wife’s hair: … And that’s what they mean by ‘nappy-headed hos.’
–Central Park South
Overheard by: eric
Chick with Pirate Queen playbill: Besides, you could tell that the other clan wasn’t going to get very far, because the clan leader just didn’t have very good hair.
–44th & 9th
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Flight attendant: Everyone, please remain seated until the captain turns off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign. That includes annoying little girls with dark brown, curly hair.
–JetBlue flight, JFK
Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.
–Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Tara
Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!
–NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?
Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!
–M104 Bus
Overheard by: Samantha
Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!
–Bergdorf Goodman
Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.
–Borders, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?
Clerk: … So she pulls the suicide card. On the second date!
–30th St
Overheard by: Schroeder
Sociology professor: Just think of your life as a thousand chances a day to commit suicide.
–NYU
Pessimistic teen: Jelly beans make me want to kill myself.
–Tasti D-Lite, Bleecker & MacDougall
Overheard by: Louis
Chick: I would never commit suicide! I would do something instead. You know, like cut sugar cane…
–NYU
Overheard by: Nosy
Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.
–SoHo
Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I’m wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it’s 100 degrees out. Of course I’m keeping it real!
–Hudson & Leroy
Conductor: Now, I know it’s real hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.
–A train
Overheard by: Chloe
Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stupidness.
–59th St
Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!
–Uptown N train
Overheard by: Cpt. Kate
Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Nozomi
Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I’m going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.
–Manhattan bound R train
Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster
Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.
–West Elm furniture, DUMBO
Overheard by: Ashley
The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!
–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway
Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.
–86th & Broadway
Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.
–6 train
Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.
–4 train
Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…
–8th & Broadway
Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!
–Astor Pl
Overheard by: Kyle
Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)
–34th St & 9th St
Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!
–Penn Station Bathroom
Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.
–25th St & Park Ave
Overheard by: I agree
Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?
–Restroom, Grand Central
Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!
–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas
Overheard by: Russ Wall
Professor: We will talk about the JDC–the American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee. And no, they were not dispensing marijuana.
–Queens College
Overheard by: ShaniP
Trashy JAP on cell: So I told her I was selling, and that bitch was like, "Katrina, for how much?" And I was like "Oh my god, mom, it doesn't matter how much the weed is going for, all that matters is the quality!"
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Overheard by: penelope
Random stranger to teens: You want to buy some weed? Just come back to my mom's house!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Rhian
College student on cell: Mom, you've got to stop smoking so much weed. I mean, fuck!
–Time Square
Random dude on street: I got it all! Liquor, alcohol, marijuana, Chips Ahoy! I got it!
–44th & Broadway
Overheard by: Lagster
Street vendor: Prada bags, Louis Vuitton bags, Gucci bags, marijuana bags… (everyone looks over at him) Hey, I gotta make money somehow.
–Times Square
Overheard by: mary jane
Girl: If she were dead, she would have called, right?
–83rd & York
Overheard by: Will
Suit: Well see, I’ve always either been single or in a relationship.
–Duane & Broadway
Overheard by: McGins
Guy on cell: Yeah, what he said made us sound stupid. But it made me sound even stupider!
–Broadway & Bleecker
Overheard by: jillypickle
Girl on cell: Hello? No, you have the wrong number…Hello? No, I told you you had the wrong number. What are you, illiterate?
–M train
Overheard by: Jane
Guy: Yo, I never knew Dean Koontz wrote books in Spanish. He’s mad smart! And Bill Clinton, too!
–Barnes & Noble libros en espanol section, Union Square
McChick: Would you like that “with cheese”, or without “with cheese”?
–McDonald’s, 44th and Lex
Man: Oh shit, it’s raining outside too?
–Office, 40th & 3rd
Overheard by: Colin F.
