Wednesday One-Liners

Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages…

–Hudson River Park

Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Overheard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!

–77th & 34th

Wednesday One-Liners Aren't That Kind Of Streetwalker

Police officer to taxi driver: If you just hit one, the rest will scatter.

–Herald Square

Guy to girl, pushing her into the street: Anna versus car, who will win?

–E Houston & Ave D

Overheard by: haha

Tourist to New Yorker: You're not supposed to jaywalk!

–Herald Square

Chick to another: We didn't get hit by a car… Oh well, maybe next time.

–7th & 23rd

Overheard by: Stormy

Guy with stroller to passing car: You hit my baby, I'll take your car!

–Fordham & Hoffman

Overheard by: sromeo

Crossing guard, watching pedestrian cross in a hurry: My money's on the bus!

–Lower Manhattan

Overheard by: Steve

Get It All Out Before 2006

MC guy: Okay everyone, I need a verb!
Girl: Crysturbate!
MC guy: Cry…what?
Girl: It’s like, when you’re sad and you masturbate!

–Kimmel Center, Washington Square South

Overheard by: Athena

Woman: …so, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to masturbate or cry!

–Comfort Diner, West 23rd Street

Wednesday One-Liners Take Root

Guy: He totally harassed my mother into getting a haircut. It was basically like rape. Except, you know, with a haircut.

–6 train

Overheard by: Always Amazed

20-something: It’s one of those bars in Williamsburg that you can’t get in unless you have a mustache.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

College girl: Do you want glow-in-the-dark body hair?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: catherine

Chick in elevator: I don’t complain about stuff. Well, maybe my hair, but only because my hair is, like, really, really important!

–NYU Palladium

Tourist dad braiding wife’s hair: … And that’s what they mean by ‘nappy-headed hos.’

–Central Park South

Overheard by: eric

Chick with Pirate Queen playbill: Besides, you could tell that the other clan wasn’t going to get very far, because the clan leader just didn’t have very good hair.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Flight attendant: Everyone, please remain seated until the captain turns off the ‘Fasten seatbelt’ sign. That includes annoying little girls with dark brown, curly hair.

–JetBlue flight, JFK

Wednesday One-Minors

Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.

–Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Tara

Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!

–NYU Kimmel Center

Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?

Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!

–M104 Bus

Overheard by: Samantha

Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!

–Bergdorf Goodman

Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.

–Borders, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Clerk: … So she pulls the suicide card. On the second date!

–30th St

Overheard by: Schroeder

Sociology professor: Just think of your life as a thousand chances a day to commit suicide.

–NYU

Pessimistic teen: Jelly beans make me want to kill myself.

–Tasti D-Lite, Bleecker & MacDougall

Overheard by: Louis

Chick: I would never commit suicide! I would do something instead. You know, like cut sugar cane…

–NYU

Overheard by: Nosy

Wednesday One-Liners Ask: Hot Enough For Ya?

Logistical genius: If the power goes out and we lose the air conditioning, we can always use the fans.

–SoHo

Dude on cell: Am I keeping it real? I’m wearing a Goddamn blazer, and it’s 100 degrees out. Of course I’m keeping it real!

–Hudson & Leroy

Conductor: Now, I know it’s real hot out there, so this is what I do when I’m walking down the streets of New York and trying to keep cool. I just sing this little song to myself: “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas, just like the ones I used to know”…All right, you all, this is 68th Street. Keep cool out there.

–A train

Overheard by: Chloe

Woman to her son: It’s too hot for stupidness.

–59th St

Proselytizer: You think this is hot? Hell is hot!

–Uptown N train

Overheard by: Cpt. Kate

Guy on cell: How you been doing in this heatwave?…That’s hot…Well, now I’m getting all hot, thinking of my hot, sweaty cousin.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Nozomi

Dedicated employee: Frankly, the only reason I’m going in to work today is because they have better air conditioning than I do.

–Manhattan bound R train

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Logs of Wednesday One-liners

Guy: You know, we really should do something with all that driftwood we brought back from Canada.

–West Elm furniture, DUMBO

Overheard by: Ashley

The husband scoops dog shit in a clear plastic bag, swings it around and calls out to his wife: Hey, Marla! Ya hungry? Hot fudge, fresh from the oven!

–Prince St. between Thompson & West Broadway

It’s Funny ’til Somebody Breaks Their Wednesday One-Liner

Guy on slippery sidewalk: Man, I can’t wait! I can’t wait to see somebody bust their ass, yo.

–86th & Broadway

Conductor: To the passenger in the first car transporting a ladder, please make sure you have control of your ladder, and please don’t knock anybody in the noggin. To all other passengers riding in the first car, please be prepared to duck.

–6 train

Guy on cell: I sliced my thumb with a box cutter, but they told me the only guy who could get workman’s comp for that injury is Roger Ebert.

–4 train

Blonde teen: So, like, what does someone do if they break their leg or something on Christmas? Because the hospital’s closed on Christmas…

–8th & Broadway

Blonde, tapping shoulder of kid on crutches crossing street: Tag, you’re it!

–Astor Pl

Overheard by: Kyle

Wednesday One-Liners Powder Their Noses

Female suit in bathroom stall: Well, are you gonna have those files? (pauses, makes bathroom noises) Okay, well, I need it today. Listen…okay…(pauses, more bathroom noises) Great! (pauses, toilet flushes) No, it's okay, go ahead. (pauses) Okay, no, I'm really sorry–I'm just entering the subway, that's what all that noise was. (storms out of the bathroom, doesn't wash her hands)

–34th St & 9th St

Flustered 50-something suit: It's burning! It's burning!

–Penn Station Bathroom

Man in stall: There should be a law against what's coming out of me.

–25th St & Park Ave

Overheard by: I agree

Suit in bathroom on cell: Honey, I can't talk to you right now. (pause) I'm in the bathroom! (pause) I've got a fucking dick in my hand! (pause) What do you mean whose dick?

–Restroom, Grand Central

Six-year-old kid, finishing at urinal: Shake the weasel!

–Men's Room, Regal Battery Park City Cinemas

Overheard by: Russ Wall

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