Wednesday One-Liners

Sometimes, Wednesday One-Liners Are Tough to Swallow

Girl on cell: Five hours later, I was still pulling cum out of my hair!

–13th St

Overheard by: questioning the physics

Drunk girl to drunk guy: I would love to be 5'8", I mean…it's like not tall…but like not short. (four minutes later, screaming) Yeah…like…too much thought is like…bad for you! (later) They should've jerked you off in your sock!

–84th & Amsterdam Ave

One of four middle aged men on a bench: Well, the key is to never swallow the cum, spit the cum out.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Dan

High voiced hobo to teenager: I want you to cum on my face.

–72nd St & Broadway

20-something girl on cell: Oh, you can't carry the microscope with you? Well, if you come here we'll have to forgo the sperm. If I come to visit you, then we can work it into the schedule.

–Ess-A-Bagel

Overheard by: Emma

NYU dude: How do you get cock-blocked while you're jizzing?!

–St. Mark's Place & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: IWasWonderingThatToo

Student, slamming reproductive biology book shut: Sperm! It's everywhere!

–Bobst Library

Overheard by: ttny

She’s Trying to Tell You Something, Wednesday One-liners

Girl: If you ever make me sleep in an ATM vestibule again, I am so dumping you.

–Grand Central

Woman on cell: Yeah, sure, go ahead and break my heart, but don’t keep my CDs.

–3rd & A

Overheard by: Kira

Crying woman on cell: No, I don’t want to do it with you. I just want the money!

–66th & Columbus

Overheard by: Charlie

Chick on cell: Yeah, I was there like you said but he wasn’t there. You said he’d be there!…Well, fuck you too! I’m going to kill you when I get home you motherfuckin’ bastard! You better say goodbye to your balls!…What?…Yeah. Sure. I’m up for some Chinese later…Bye baby…I love you too, pumpkin.

–Canal & West Broadway

Cashier guy: I told you I have a girlfriend, that’s why my face is all scratched up.”

–Home Depot, 59th Street

Wednesday One-Liners for Ralph Nader… Not!

Sorority chick leaving a democratic rally where hillary clinton spoke: God, they all sounded so political!

–Wagner College

5 year-old boy (to his mother): Is it true that obama's going to raise taxes?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jen

Woman on cell: I'm trying to find joe sixpack. (pause) no, I don't know joe sixpack.

–98th & Broadway

Several middle-aged, wealthy #40 something upper east side ladies at the dinner table next to us at a french restaurant, discussing politics. The last point on sarah palin: "her hair's fine, her glasses are fine, her clothes are ok but I'm sorry, she's a fucking loser."

–Jacques Brasserie — Upper East Side

Overheard by: Lindsey Miller

Drunk girl: "if lil' wayne was president, things would be running much more smoothly."

–E Houston St & Lafayette St,

Overheard by: Teddy

"my cousin said that obama is the antichrist."
(pause).
"that's mad rude, right?"

–M66

Overheard by: Charley

Wednesday One-Liners Are Coming to Dinner

Guy on cell: I eat ass like a champion.

–Havemeyer & S 1st St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: EA

Scary old guy to pretty woman: Oooh, girl, you look so fine. Tell your husband I want to bite your kneecaps off.

–West Village

Lady on cell: Yeah, I’m really hungry, too. I could really eat some nice wallpaper right about now.

–83rd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Debbie

Woman: I’d rather eat homeless person’s cum than ever eat plain yogurt again.

–Clinton & Stanton

Creepy guy: Let me put it this way: I might not be compelled to eat a puppy, but I just might eat a baby. There’s just something unattractive about them.

–Bus to Penn Station

Mother to screaming child: If you don’t stop crying I am going to eat you!

–100th & Broadway

Overheard by: briana

Bouncer to girl showing ID: You’re so beautiful. I wanna put you on a pedestal… and eat your ass.

–West Village

Overheard by: RBNY

NYers on the Issues: Hunks

Chick: I love his mole. It’s like Matt Damon…he has a mole.

–Starbucks, W. 4th St.

Chick: I think it’s sexy that he went to art school.

Her two friends start laughing immediately.

–Jane, Soho

Overheard by: Tamika J.

Wednesday One-Liners Are Out the Door Before the Condom Comes Off

Building worker on cell: Like her? No, I don’t like her. I have to like every girl that I bone? Terrible? Why is that terrible?

–52nd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: blatto

Guy on cell: I’m looking for someone to, excuse my language, fuck, not just have sex with.

–Manhattan Ave

Overheard by: Jason

Eurotrash: So then I felt bad because he couldn’t guess who I was and so I gave him a hint. I told him I would meet him at six o’clock at the motel, because you know, that was like our place!

–34th St & 5th Ave

Guy: You sleep with them once and they expect you to bring your toothbrush and loofa over the next time.

–Tad’s Montana

Overheard by: Mishen

Girl on cell: Remember how I was talking to that guy in London? Well, he’s coming to visit for five days. Yeah, it’s gonna be fun. I’ve decided, after he leaves, I’m not going to talk to him anymore. What’s the point? It’s not even a relationship, it’s a pseudo-relationship. You fight and get mad and what for? I’m not moving to London, he’s not moving to New York. Yeah, so we’ll have fun, and then when he leaves, I just won’t talk to him anymore. How is that shady?

–N train, Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Girl: Yeah, I feel like I’m bangin’ the whole world!

–Columbus Circle subway exit

Some Freshly-Minted Wednesday One-Liners

Hobo: Pretty soon this gon’ be a paper-less world. I’ll help you… Gimme all your paper money. I bring you to the future.

–Outside CVS, Lex

Teen girl: Of course there were credit cards in the ’50s. How else would they have gotten their money from the ATMs?

–Starbucks

Overheard by: Hans

Hipster boy to hipster girl: Yeah, remember that time we stuck to our principles? We got screwed out of a shitload of cash!

–Macy’s

Overheard by: Steph

Articulate crazy man: Make money the old-fashioned way: put mercenaries on your payroll!

–6 train

Overheard by: Interested. Very interested.

Conductor: To the person who lost a roll of cash held together with a rubber band, come see me. I found the rubber band.

–A train, 59th St

Overheard by: John

Fat old guy to pal: You’re either going to hurt yourself, hurt someone else, or lose all of us millions of dollars.

–8th & 7th, Park Slope

Overheard by: Julian Bennett Holmes

Thug handing 20-dollar bill to clerk: Be careful! Let it dry — I just made that.

–Deli, 137th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Have a Two-Drink Minimum

Flyer guy: Smile, you're on Broadway! (singing) You're never fully dressed…when you're naked! (stops singing) So come to New York's best improvisational comedy club! Be there, or be someplace else!

–Times Square

Overheard by: gregumsdagreggy

Annoying man outside comedy club, to passerby: Do you like stand-up comedy? (passerby ignores him keeps walking) Do you like free alcohol? (passerby keeps walking) Do you like ignoring me? (passerby turns head and nods)

–Broadway

Overheard by: Wojo

Comedy show ticket salesman to couple: So, what are you two doing tonight…besides each other?

–Broadway & 49th St

Overheard by: Theo

Ticket guy to walking couple: Do you like comedy or do you just do each other? Maybe that's all you need.

–51st & 8th

Overheard by: PartyByNight

Street vendor: Want to see a comedy show for $10? Free drinks! Cheaper than crack cocaine!

–42nd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: gradstudent

Comedy club flyer guy: Blah, blah, blah, take my flyer!

–Times Square

Overheard by: No flyer, but props for the delivery

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Ask to Be Born

Mom to son in stroller: Shut up! You want everything! Life isn’t like that!

–Staten Island ferry

Lady, pushing a stroller: My parents always used to say they were going to run away because we were so awful.

–Washington Square

Man: Yo, I got to tell my son to start selling weed now!

–56th St, between 5th Ave & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Caroline

Mom: Honey, if I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t keep buying you things.

–Bleecker St & Broadway

Mom hits kid in stroller.

Little kid: Fuck you, you fucking bitch!

–Pizza place, 14th St

Century 21 employee: And there was this Asian lady with her kid on a leash… A leash!

–Century 21

Overheard by: C21shopper

Bimbette, pointing to toddler in stroller: That’s how I met this motherfucker’s father!

–98th St & Broadway

Overheard by: shocked and appalled

Man's Best Wednesday One-Liner

Slightly thugged-out guy, rapping to little white poodle: Li'l coco! You's a muthafuckin' beast, yo! Li'l coco! Yeah!

–Cobble Hill, Brooklyn

Overheard by: John Bender

Guy to dog: Lady, it's just me! There's only me!

–77th St, Bay Ridge

Overheard by: Jon A.

Big burly guy to tiny yorkie, as it sniffs tree and walks away: Well, thanks for that false alarm.

–43rd St & 10th Ave

Upper West Side lady to little pampered dog with sweater: It's okay, baby, you can talk.

–80th Ave & Columbus

Hipster dog walker, whispering to herd of dachsunds: Mushhhhh…

–Central Park

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