Women

“It's Not You. It's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Screaming, sobbing middle-aged woman to man: Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? We made beautiful love last night! Why are you doing this to me?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Angry woman on cell: You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me! We are done!

–147th & St Nicholas

Man on cell: I'm going to fucking dump that job, like girls dump me.

–45th & 8th

Girl on phone: No wonder he broke up with you, you are a pain in the ass!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Laura

Teen girl on cell: Are you fucking kidding me? You're breaking up with me because I didn't let you lick chocolate off my coochie? That shit's fucked up!

–Bloomingdale's

Everybody's Like This After Paying the U-Haul Bill

Woman: I'll tell you why.
Man: Okay.
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No.
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No. Woman, do you know why?
Woman: Do you know why?
Man: No, but I would like to know.
Woman: I don't know either.

–U-Haul Store, The Bronx

Overheard by: Mike

Sophie Pulls a Dubya

Lady following running friend: You’re going the wrong way!
Runner: So?! [Continues running.]

–Near Sidewalk Café

Remember When I Pulled a Nutcracker on My Boyfriend?

Woman #1: Girl, you best shut yo’ mouf!
Woman #2: If y’all don’t shut it imma beat yo’ ass with one of these ballerina pumps!

–W 61st St

And That’s One to Grow On

Guy on cell: Seriously [Bryan] the shit won’t go away! The fucking rash is still there….yes, I put that cream on my dick but shit, it’s still there!…Oh, I have to put the cream on more than once? You never mentioned that.
Woman: Sweetie, everyone knows you have to put cream on more than once, no matter where you put it.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Ali

Wednesday One-Liners Wear Heels in Bed

Obnoxious NYU student on phone: Hey, remember that cute boy in my chemistry class I was telling you about? Well, I totally just saw him in a gay porno!

–Study Room, NYU Dorm

Overheard by: NYU Ears

Patient woman: She's making friends with an old porn star, leave her alone!

–2nd Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Overheard by: sab

Cranky suit to nodding friend: Except for porn and eBay, no one knows how to make money anymore!

–Madison Ave & 47th St

Overheard by: kricka

Girl to friend: This would be a great place to shoot a porno.

–Downstairs Bar, Morimoto Restaurant

iPhone screamer: Yeah, just take the exec-u-table file and put it in the folder. Right the exec-u-table file! I know, the music is funny, like a porno, right?

–33rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Chick: You *know* we're all going to be googling "eggbeater porn" before the night is over.

–Party, 171st & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

And Still, K-Fed Got Custody Of the Kids

20-something bum: Excuse me, miss, can I please have a cigarette?
Young woman smoking: Sure.
20-something bum: Thank you so much. I just took a huge hit of heroin and a cigarette after is the balls.
Young woman smoking: Well, happy trails!

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Totally Worth the Annual Membership Fee

Woman: We've got snacks in the office, if you like. It's very convenient having Costco nearby.
Man: Oh, that's great! I just recently discovered BJs with my girlfriend.

–Sunset Park, Brooklyn

Wednesday Really Pumps Out the One-Liners

Guy to female friend: There's a guy in the Howard Street festival that ejaculates like 20 feet.

–E 3rd St & 1st Ave

Guy: The world is my cumrag!

–4th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jordan Bruce

Woman on cell: Yeah, it was great. We managed to buy enough sperm for three kids.

–32nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Matt

Intoxicated college boy to friend: I don't want to jism on a girl's back…yet.

–Times Square

Overheard by: watching her back

Suit getting off train, turning around and yelling: Was it semen? (waves goodbye)

–1 Train

Overheard by: hsw

Or Ugly People… Still You.

Woman digging through scarves: Do you think these are for older people?
Male pal: Yes, for older people. For you.

–The Met store

Overheard by: akka

Headline by: Stretchen

Runners-Up:
· “Definetely In The Friend Zone” – Dion
· “Never Insult a Woman with a Perfect Choking Device” – Megan
· “No One Said Ashton Kutcher Was Bright” – punk’d
· “That’s It. I’m Leaving My Teeth in Next Time I Blow You.” – laladypoet
· “They Help Catch the Drool” – Dan
· “Well That’s the Last He’ll See Of the Sagging Sisters” – L

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

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