Wednesday One-Linered…With Children

Old Jewish woman to very nervous Asian 25-year-old bride to be: Honey, I've been married 53 years. The secret to a great marriage? Give him lots of sex. Lots of good sex.

–Dumbo, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Tanya

Man on cell: I told her I would convert. We could go to Vegas and get married next week, no problem.

–64th & Amsterdam

Woman on phone: My ex-boyfriend was 24 and he was able to support me, and you're 35 on an engineer's salary and you can't do the same. Do you know how many guys are begging to marry me, and can give me a dowry? So fuck you!

–Target Store, Brooklyn

Hispanic woman on phone: So where are you now? You already married him? Oh, okay. See you later.

–28th & Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Alie

Five-year-old boy to teacher about five-year-old girl next to him: We're going to get married. (to five-year-old girl) What's your name again?

–61st & Amsterdam

Posted on February 20, 2018
Advice, Age/Aging, Asians, Brooklyn, Girls, Glad the Condom Broke, Insults, Jews, Kids, Latinos, Marriage, Men, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Names, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Relationships, Religion, Sex, Store, Street, Teachers/Professors, Travel, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Because I Never Inhale

Woman walking out the door to man: You smoke Newport?
Man: Sure, but what I need is a blunt, yo! (pauses, looks at woman closely) Damn, you ain't Administration for Children's Services, are you?

–Queens Family Court

Posted on February 12, 2018
Men, Queens, Questions, Smoking, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Too Ashamed to Wear Last Year's Blahniks

Lady looking at another woman's Roman sandals: I don't like those Jesus-lookin' sandals!

–The Village

Girl: Do flats make your butt look big?

–9th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Matt Morgan

Guy with faux-hawk: You know in Pee-wee's Big Adventure, after he loses his bike and everyone around him is riding bicycles? I feel that way with high-tops right now.

–14th & 1st

Overheard by: Heather

(trendy, skinny, Upper West Side woman on sidewalk is staring down at her feet and looking concerned)
Preppy 30-something boyfriend: I think your toes look better in those sandals.

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sushene

Girl: My uncle is gay, like, flying-out-of-his-loafers gay.

–W 67th & Broadway

Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com

Female cop to two male cops: So he's standing there, really well dressed, nice shoes, and all of a sudden he pulls out this big, big (voice drops) boner, and says "Give me the shoes!"

–Continental Ave Station, Forest Hills

Posted on February 11, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Boyfriends, Cops, Coworkers, Farting & Burping, Fashion, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Jesus, Movies, Offers and requests, Physical appearance, Preppies, Queens, Questions, Shoes, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Understand the Caucus System

Bleach-blonde: I would totally vote for McCain if Miley Cyrus were his running mate.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Democrat

Woman: Oh, I am definitely a single-issue voter. And right now, that issue is: Which one of the candidates can get me to a bathroom soonest?

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: Chuckell

Drunk hobo to a group of pigeons: And they’re all Democrats. Can’t trust them Democrats.

–Washington Square Park

Young African American woman speaking animatedly on cell: … Vice president? Why should I run for Vice President, I’m doing better than you, bitch! "Dream ticket!" That’s why I hate white liberals. They don’t know when they’re fucked up. Republicans don’t give a shit about you, but they know it.

–124th St, Harlem

Drunk wheelbo, shouting across the entire ferry terminal: Hillary, Hillary, she’s our man! If she can’t do it, no one can!

–Whitehall Ferry Terminal

Lady on cell: When you done turn Governor, you can’t play dat shit…

–Associated Supermarket, Myrtle Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: PdQ

Posted on February 4, 2018
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Drunks, Ferry, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Hobos, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Parks, Politics, President, Questions, Store, Street, Threats, Washington Square Park, Wheelbos, Women

That'll Be Five Dollars, Please

Crazy old lady: You're gonna have a bad year.
Guy: Thank you.
Crazy old lady: You're gonna have very bad luck… you could be in the next 9/11.

–7th Ave & 36th St

Posted on January 31, 2018
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Ground Zero, Guys, Old People, Psychic, Terrorism, Weirdness, Women

All I Require in Exchange Is Your First-Born

Tourist woman: I am waiting until the sign says “walk”!
10-year old: Lady, then you're going to be here for a while.
Tourist woman: I don't want to cross by myself.
10-year old: Uh. I'll cross with you.

–Greene St

Posted on January 26, 2018
Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Default, Fears, Kids, Offers and requests, Only in New York, Time, Tourists, Women

Engorged, Throbbing Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to another: Eat the penis, Danielle, eat the penis.

–New Jersey Transit train out of Penn Station

Overheard by: Tootles McGee

Black guy: Yo! Where my penis at?

–Bergenline Bus

Overheard by: Don’t know how he lost it to begin with

Guy with big dog to girlfriend: Is my cock straight?

–12th & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Amanda

Five-year-old son to father helping him ride a bicycle, seeing wooden posts out of the water: Daddy, is that a huge penis?

–South Seaport

Female suit: Their penises don’t care!

–Times Square

Hobo: I’m the unluckiest son of a bitch I know! If it were raining vaginas, I’d get hit in the head with a penis.

–5th Ave

Girl on cell: That’s good… Did you like the peen? The peen? Did you like the penis, mother? The penis? Oh good, I though you would.

–9th & Prospect Park

Overheard by: Other Side of the Fence

Posted on January 24, 2018
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Boyfriends, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hobos, Kids, On Cell, On the Bus, Penis, Penn Station, Questions, Suits, The Village, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, Vagina, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Women

Wednesdays Feel Virtuous When They Don't Eat One-Liners

Weird hobo: Ladies and gentleman, I am a disabled Vietnam vet. I'm asking help from all of you so I don't wind up on the streets. While in Vietnam, I was exposed to Agent Orange, which caused me my disability–I became a vegetarian.

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: An Amused Former Vegetarian

Aging hippie to woman spouting PETA propaganda: I've been a vegan for 30 years. You're embarrassing me. Why do you do that?

–F Train

Overheard by: AeC

Guy: Yo, I'm vegetarian now, I don't eat no meat, but man I love that chicken. That chicken just keeps comin' back to me!

–Manna's

Overheard by: eatinginharlem

Crazy-looking woman on bench: Oh my gosh, I was totally a vegetarian yesterday. Like literally, I ate no meat.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Meat Eater

Clueless 20-something female: Do you have another menu? I'm a vegan.

–Brother Jimmy's BBQ, 31st St

Posted on January 12, 2018
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Crazies, Food, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Hippies, Hobos, Nostalgia, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Parks, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Vegetarian & Vegan, War, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Toot Their Own Horns

Guy on cell: Guitars… guitarists, guitarists… drummers, yeah, any musicians… Girls, yeah! Girls!

–Prospect Heights

Suave European guy: I am playing the piano and the flute. At the same time. It’s a metaphor.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Librarianish-looking woman: He asked me if I wanted to blow his tuba, and I said, "sure!". It was amazingly harder than I thought it would be. And, he’s bringing his organ tomorrow so I can play with it.

–Battery Park Starbucks

30-something woman: My consultant was telling me I should try not to sound elitist. But that’s really hard for me. I mean, I have two master’s degrees and I play the violin.

–14th St & 1st Ave

Bodybuilder on cell: I’m thinking a harpsichord, a wig, and a whole lotta talcum powder.

–Chinatown Bus

Blonde high school girl: Grinding is as practical as playing the harpsichord was for Jane Austen.

–Upper East Side

Posted on January 11, 2018
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Battery Park, Books & Writing, Brooklyn, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Innuendo, Instruments, Music, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Questions, Starbucks, Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Weirdness, Women, Words

Janie Got a Wednesday One-Liner

Voice over employee's walkie-talkie: Okay, I really need those guns. Anyone who has one, I need it down in bridal.

–Bed Bath & Beyond

Obnoxious woman: So I said, "motherfucker, I'm not your sister–I'm your cousin. So I will shoot you."

–Uptown 2 Train

Large black man: If you ain't got no bullets, you gotsta melee!

–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Zach

Wannabe hip-hopper, trying to sell CD: It's clean music, and I ain't never shot no one!

–Union Square

20-something guy on cell: They got no right to bring up that gun charge, it's over ten years old!

–19th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Emily Davidson

Dude, after chatting to policewoman: I just have a thing for women in uniform! My mind says, "no, no, settle down," and my penis says, "but she's got a gun!"

–Hudson & Laight

Posted on December 29, 2017
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clerks, Cops, Family Ties, Fat People, Guys, Insults, Marriage, Men, Musicians, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Shoot, Singing, Store, Street, Threats, Time, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Women