All Wednesday One-Liners

Blow It Out Your Wednesday One-Liner

Well-dressed British man on cell, as he walks oddly: Listen girl, I farted so hard yesterday I blasted half my ass off. (pause) No, seriously! I am still walking funny!

–24th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Joseph

Teenage boy to another: One time this hot bitch farted on my lap, and I didn't know what to do.

–12th St & University Place

Crazy hobo sitting on blanket: I used to wear underwear, but then I farted and left a stain, so decided no more. Can anyone spare any change?

–87th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nynanny

Girl from Louisiana: What can I say? I'm a Southern girl. I fart crawfish.

–McLean Ave, Yonkers

Woman on phone: Well, the romance is out of my life: this morning Greg came in my mouth, then straight away leaned back and farted.

–Beard St & Van Brunt St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: craig hunter

Wednesday One-Liners Got a Norplant When They Turned 11

Girl: Promiscuity is turning out to be a lot more work than I thought it would be.

–Columbia bookstore

Drunken hobo singing: Jesus loves me! Jesus supports me! [Turning to two NYU girls] Jesus doesn’t support you! [Chuckles] Whores!

–LaGuardia & W 3rd

Overheard by: TheBrit

Professor: Monogamy is depressing. When you get married you can only have sex with one person for the rest of your life. I’ve been married for 25 years, and I was on Prozac by year two. Female promiscuity is frowned upon in nearly all cultures. Dammit!

–Fordham University

Girl on cell: Oh my god! That is so funny! Wait, is she a slut? It would be so much funnier if she was a slut… Oh. Never mind.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Cassie

Bubbly high school chick: … And I didn’t know, so I just opened my legs…

–Astor Pl

Homeless man yelling at passersby: Can any of you spare a nickel in the name of alcoholic beverages? Or maybe a loose woman or two?!

–7th & Ave A

Overheard by: you gotta respect the honesty

Dad to little girl: Okay, honey, now how do we spell ‘whore’? Remember, sound it out…

–Penn Station

Wednesday One-Liners Fail the Purity Test

Girl: I’m done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It’s four-gies only from now on.

–Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jaina Wald

Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

–Wall & Water

Overheard by: Aubrie

Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?

–Central Park

Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?

–Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus

Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like anyone there had any real porn background!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

–22nd & Broadway

Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn’t sleeping with an intern!

–45th & Lex

Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!

–34th St

Overheard by: naidababy

Wednesday One-Liners Never Said They Were Exclusive

Woman on cell: Well, her profile says ‘In a relationship,’ so she has no excuse to be fucking everyone else’s boyfriends!

–The Bagel House, 39th St & Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Louie

Guy: Hey, I’ll give you my ex-girlfriend if you’ll take her.

–1st St & Ave A

Overheard by: apples

Fag hag: Anderson Cooper is so gorgeous. I want to be his boyfriend.

–1 train

Overheard by: Allisa

Ghetto babe: She kicked the shit out of three or four boyfriends. She’s not gettin’ another. What’s she gonna do? Call him up, kick the shit out of him, get herself locked up again?

–Penn Station

Girl on cell: I might break up with my boyfriend because he wants to get a monkey.

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: Matt

Bimbette: Do you think the reason I can’t get a boyfriend is because I never re-post those things on MySpace?!

–LaGuardia airport

Little girl: I don’t have a boyfriend right now. Sometimes it’s better not to be in a relationship.

–72nd St & York

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Deep They Cause Bladder Infections

Thug, taking a drink: Yo, this water’s mad wet.

–Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Guy: I mean, I don’t want any bok choy in my chakra.

–12th & Broadway

Overheard by: aryn

Wednesday One-Liners, Literally

Man on cell, authoritatively: Ejaculate!

–14th b/w 3rd & 4th

Mother to curious little girl reaching out to touch Wall Street bull's testicles: No! (yanks her away)

–Bowling Green

Woman shouting across a grassy field: Slutbots!

–McCarren Park, Brooklyn

(intercom beeps 10 times)
Train conductor, over intercom: Shit.
(intercom continues to beep)

–Hudson Line Train

Man on bike speeding along Brooklyn Bridge walkway: Pussyhoooollleeeeee!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Quiet, older gentleman sipping coffee, leafing through newspaper: Motherfuckers!

–Barnes & Noble Coffee Bar, Broadway

Overheard by: Suze V

Wednesday One-liners Got a Book Deal

Hipster girl: Oh my god, I knew Art Spiegelman was going to be involved in this story, somehow!

–Barnes & Noble, 66th & Broadway

Wednesday One-Liners Use the Socratic Method

Columbia grad student: …developing a really spectacular
sense of intellectual arrogance.

–Columbia University

Professor, receiving text message in class: Ooh. That’s interesting. Invitation to go dancing, not from my girlfriend. Thank God I’ve got permission… We’re never going to get to anything today, are we? I’m so bad at this…

–Tisch School of the Arts, NYU

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Chinese professor: You see Chinese like tofu, you never use it.

–John Jay College

Overheard by: soccerking3t

Teen guy: So I ended up in a dress. I don’t think English class will ever be the same.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: Natasha

Sadistic professor: Unfortunately we don’t flog people anymore. You usually pass out after you finish screaming.

–Fordham, the Bronx

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Drunken pre-med to drunken boy teetering on a concrete railing: Reed, if you fall, I’m not a doctor yet!

–West Village, 8th & 14th

Overheard by: annie

NYU girl to professor: So, if you’re sleeping with Nietzsche, you shouldn’t ask the question, "What are you thinking?"

–NYU classroom, Mercer & Houston

A Home is a Terrible Thing to Waste

Hobo: ‘Scuse me. You wanna give a quarter to the United Negro Pizza Fund?

–44th & 8th

Hobo: Listen, girls, do you care to donate to the United Negro Pastrami Sandwich Fund?

–Bowery between 3rd & 4th

Hobo: Would you like to donate to the United Negro Pizza Fund?

–82nd & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Leigh

Hobo: Can you offer a contribution to the United Negro I Didn’t Go to College Fund?

–60th & Columbus

Wednesday One-liners Are the New Lavender

Crazy guy: Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Why did the dinosaurs go extinct? Homosexuality! Heh heh heh.

–53rd Street station

Guy on cell: No, I’m waiting for the ferry…No, not him; the boat that goes into the city.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Staten Island

Overheard by: Chris Cotterman

Girl: She said she wasn’t attracted to me! I mean, I’m straight as a goat, but…am I ugly?

–R train

Overheard by: Shannon Bowman-Sarkisian

Middle-aged guy: You know, somebody needs to tell gay men that they’re not 17 year old girls.

–David Barton Gym, 23rd Street

Queer: For God’s sake, be creative. We’re gay!

–West Elm, 18th Street

Woman on cell: It’s really gay outside right now.

–Bowery & 4th

Dude: I thought I saw Matt Damon; then I realized it was just a gay guy.

–Barrow Street

Crazy guy: And what do gay people do with the money they save on child support? The parade! They pay for the parade.

–53rd Street station

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