[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women’s restroom.]Boy: I don’t want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it’ll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
–Times Square
[A woman is dragging a five-year-old boy into the women’s restroom.]Boy: I don’t want to go in.
Woman: Come on, it’ll only take a minute.
Boy: But you can wipe your ass by yourself now!
–Times Square
Gay #1: Oh em gee, the cashier is like üober-hot.
Gay #2: I know, right?
(they both look at the cashier)
Gay #1: Sucks he’s a total straighty.
Gay #2: Well, at least he has a nice ass.
Gay #1: Yeah, I guess.
–Union Square American Eagle
Overheard by: Figs
Nervous hipster: You know, it's really true what they say about friends with eczema…
–50th & 8th
Overheard by: chris
Guy on cell: So she got cancer, big fuckin deal!
–1st Ave & St. Mark's
Man on cell: Next time they call, just politely say there's no one here with diabetes.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Lola Black
Woman exiting car: There's this bump between my ass and cooch. I think I should get that checked.
–W 4th St
20-something guy to 40-something woman: Look, I'm not saying I'm not concerned about my hand being sticky, but I'm more concerned about malaria.
–Café
Black teen exiting train: Yo, you got a nice ass for a cracka.
White girl, after he's gone: Ugh, I wonder what he would have said if I were like “you got a nice face, for a negro.”
–F Train
Overheard by: i wonder too
Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages…
–Hudson River Park
Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?
–F Train
Overheard by: Elise
Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?
–6 Train
Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.
–DUMBO, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Megan
Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Josh
Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!
–77th & 34th
Guy: So did you ever hear back from that guy who stood you up last week?
Girl: Yeah, actually he got stuck with his kids.
Guy: Kids? He's married?
Girl: Divorced, actually.
Guy: Wow, what a looser…I bet he has herpes.
Girl: Yeah, maybe. Maybe he really stood me up because he was fucking you in the ass and got herpes.
–Figarro's Restaurant
Seven-year-old boy to father: Did you know that when you get into middle school, all the girls care about is whether you're rich and have a cute ass? In elementary school, they only care about if you can run fast. If you run the fastest, you get all the girls.
–Flushing, Queens
Overheard by: Tara
Small boy to teacher in increasingly panicky voice: Is this Narnia? We're not Narnians yet, right?!
–NYU Kimmel Center
Overheard by: Narnia @ NYU?
Five-year-old to three-year-old brother: Listen, we're going to have food all winter. It's hibernation. You know what hibernation is, don't you? Hibernation is when animals eat a lot of food and sleep all winter. We're gonna hibernate!
–M104 Bus
Overheard by: Samantha
Little kid: Grandma, smell this! It's Obsession for Men!
–Bergdorf Goodman
Sobbing five-year-old girl to mom in CD section: I wanna download, I don't wanna waste my money.
–Borders, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Can records labels sue toddlers?
Thug #1: And when he walks down the stairs, he's all… (makes obscure hand gesture)
Thug #2: It's on him, though.
Thug #1: Oh, yeah.
Thug #2: I mean, my sister. She's…you know.
Thug #1: I thought it was going to be embarrassing, you know? But it's cool. You talk to the nigga, he's just hilarious, it's all funny, whatever he says.
Thug #3: Yeah, it's cool. Nigga's just totally flaming gay.
Thug #2: His choice, it's on him.
Thug #1: Yeah, man. Whatever you wanna put up your ass, you know, it's cool.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Hipster guy: Suck my balls.
Preppy girl: But…you have scabies.
–Grand Central
Blonde girl: I can't believe he pulled his dick out. Except not really. Except kind of. Except I kind of had to put it back in.
–W 34th & 8th Ave
Overheard by: innocent bystander
Crazy hobo, to himself: Geritol. Yup, that's what she needs. That woman just likes some dick. And there ain't nothin wrong with that. Nothin wrong with a woman likin a long hard dick. Women like dick. Ain't nothing wrong with that. She's gonna get some Geritol all right. Cause see, you got to get it up in the crevices. Work it in with a little Bengay.
–Men's Bathroom, Penn Station
Overheard by: Phil
Salvadoran guy, discussing use of the word "faggot": They can take a dick up their ass, they can take a fucking joke.
–Lawton St, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Eric Frazier
Black guy: Man, I can't wear tight pants because I have a big dick! My dick needs to breathe! (holds himself)
–Penn Station
Female Central Park crossing guard: Das cuz da dick was great!
–Columbus Circle
Overheard by: Robert H
