Wednesday One-Liners Get Lockjaw

Thug: I really gotta figure out a new way to ask for a blowjob.

–Soho

Overheard by: Emily McInerney

Guy to coworkers: So wait, a blowjob is exactly like sitting on a toilet?

–40th & 6th

Lady: Oy! Don’t even get me started… Unless we’re talking about gay men blowing each other, in which case, I have no problem with that.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Ladle

Drunk girl to friend hooking up: Just suck his dick and let’s go…

–Bar, Brooklyn

Chick on cell: Ah, bottle fellatio. I remember doing that in high school for a bunch of guys.

–Amtrak into Penn Station

Overheard by: Ladle

Teen after HIV workshop: Yo, don’t have anal, bro. Get your penis licked!

–Banana Kelly High School, Bronx

Overheard by: nooners

Posted on October 2, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Are You Ready for the Sex, Wednesday One-liners?

Guy on cell: Of course I hate her! However, that’s not gonna stop me from fucking her.

–Park Slope

Girl: Your mouth is warm. Lick my face.

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Sara R.

Man on cell: I don’t see what the big deal was. It was only a blowjob.

–Greene Street between Spring & Prince

Posted on October 1, 2014
BJs, On Cell, One-liners, People, Pick-up Lines, Sex, Sex & Relationships

Wednesday One-Liner Often Wonder How It Started To Be Spelled That Way

Girl: …well it stopped working 'cause it got cum in it.

–W 27th St

Chick: I'm starving. The only protein I've had all day is an accidental cum shot to the face earlier this morning.

–SoHo

Guy to friends: If y'all was to really write it down and make a… a food chain of all of who used to date who, and who's dating who now, I bet you y'all got all the same juices running up in y'all system.

–2 Train

Overheard by: Kosi

Passing guy on cell: All I'm saying is everyone should have control over where their sperm goes.

–7th Ave

Hoochie on cell : Because I manage to get very juicy.

–L Train

Drunk girl at restaurant holding a champagne bottle: Excuse me, sir, can you open this for me? I'm afraid it's going to cum everywhere.

–Kaleidoscope, E 10th St

College dude: I bet there's semen somewhere on this grass.

–Great Lawn, Central Park

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on September 30, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Cum, Dating, Drinks, Drunks, Etiquette, Food, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hootchies, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Restaurants & Cafes, Soho, Union Square and East Village, Words

There is, But It Involves Being Chained in a Dark Cave

Boyfriend: Baby, that was amazing last night.
Girlfriend: I know…
Boyfriend: Really. that was the best head you ever gave me. Easily in the top five.
Girlfriend: Top five ever? Or just from me?
Boyfriend: Um…
Girlfriend: Who was better than me?
Boyfriend: That’s a ridiculous question. There’s no Platonic ideal of blowjobs.

–2nd Ave. & 5th St.

Overheard by: Franklin

Posted on September 25, 2014
BJs, Couples, Union Square and East Village

You Can't Teach Talent— or Enthusiasm

Girl #1: So I started giving him head…
Girl #2: Nasty!
Girl #1: Nah, I love dick.

–2nd Ave & 12st St

Overheard by: Jackson

Posted on September 24, 2014
BJs, Girls, Penis, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Are Simply Scrotacular

Tourist mom with mullet, trying to take a picture of cute five-year old boy: Stand by the testicles, honey. Stand by the balls!

–Wall Street Bull

Overheard by: oh tourists

Suit to street vendor: You spend the money and get blue balls…

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Colin

Guy on cell: Fucking shit! What the fuck? This fucking shit is fucking messed up! (pause) Whatever, mommy… just get me a large, it'll give me more room for my balls.

–97th St & Madison Ave

Big guy in chair on sidewalk to friend: So, I ate a pair of balls last night. Lamb balls. Hot and spicy.

–Heath St & 231st St

Overheard by: Km

Ghetto man to Dunkin' Donuts cashier: Yo, how much is da balls?

–W 148th & Broadway

Posted on September 24, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Balls, BJs, Black People, Cashiers, Family Ties, Food, Grocery Stores, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kids, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Pictures, Questions, Street, Suits, Tourists, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

That’s More of a Blowjob Than a Root Canal

Guy: I do know a lot about plastic compounds. I think I could perform basic dentistry. I mean all they do is drill a little and then put some goo in your teeth, right?

–1/9 train

Overheard by: Jason Strom

(Another reader overheard it a little differently.)

Posted on September 23, 2014
BJs, Guys, Idiots, Medicine, On the Subway, Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Didn’t Mean It Like That

NYU nerdy chick on cell: The oral is going to be super hard. …But I think I’ll be good at it.

–NYU

Overheard by: kat

Clerk, to female co-worker: I keep my meat to the side.

–Walgreens, Atlantic Ave

Girl: Bite and suck, bite and suck, bite and suck!

–Szechuan Restaurant

Overheard by: tallierand

Female customer to employee: …the gum that has the things in it. She likes to chew on the ones with the blue balls.

–Duane Reade, Fresh Meadows

Overheard by: evan FM

College sophomore: … So yeah, I said "Mom, stop rotating my pickle!"

–USA #1 Deli, La Salle & Broadway

Overheard by: Xiao Hoah Dze

Father to younger son: So you like second base right?

–Douglaston Market, Queens

Overheard by: Noelle

Posted on September 13, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Brooklyn, Clerks, Coworkers, Customers, Dads, Delis, Duane Reade, Education, Family Ties, Food, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Innuendo, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Students, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words, Yeaaahhh College!

Been There, Done Them

Naked chick #1: I tried to call you Sunday, but your boyfriend said you were taking a nap.
Naked chick #2: Oh, why?
Naked chick #1: Well, I was reading Craigslist and this guy said he’d give someone $100 for 14 pills of tetrazepam and I was like, “Wait a minute, I have that!”
Naked chick #2: So you were calling to ask me if you should sell drugs over the internet?
Naked chick #1: Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Naked chick #2: Was there anyone on there offering money for a blowjob?
Naked chick #1: Um, no.
Naked chick #2: Because that’s another career option I wouldn’t recommend.

–14th Street Y sauna

Overheard by: klingrap

Posted on September 7, 2014
Advice, BJs, Drugs, Internet, Lower Manhattan, Money & Class, Private Parts, Women

No Dressing, Hold the Buns

Guy #1: Who, Trisha? Hell nah, She never calls me. She sucks.
Guy #2: Nah nigga, she doesn’t suck; she licks.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: Isn’t she a lesbian now or some shit?
Guy #1: I don’t know!
Guy #2: Well I heard she is and like I said, she doesn’t suck. She licks. The bitch eats vagiburgers.

–McDonald’s, 42nd & 7th

Overheard by: Shanny O.

Posted on September 5, 2014
BJs, Food, Junk Food & Fast Food, Manhattan, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Queers, Sex, Sex & Relationships, Thugs, Times Square

BJs

You Can't Teach Talent— or Enthusiasm