Man's Best Wednesday One-Liners

Man: So I was making out with my ex girlfriend on the bridge and out of nowhere this dog runs over and starts humping my leg…

–Uptown 1 Train

Dude outside bar: All dogs are gay.

–7th Avenue, Park Slope

Overheard by: The Katie

Black man arguing with kiosk man: Yo, he ain't my son, he's my dog!

–6th Street

Middle-aged woman walking her dog to passersby: I'm a dog! I don't know why none of you believe me! I talk to my dog. Humans don't talk to animals, animals talk to animals! I'm not human! And until you people realize that, you're going to keep having problems with me!

–9th St & University Place

Overheard by: Katie

Drunk guy to girls walking puppy: Hey giiirl. Watch yo dawg. Giiirl! Watch yo dog… Cuz I might bite!

–Staten Island Boardwalk

Overheard by: Izzy

(teacher's cell rings)
Teacher: I have a feeling I have to answer this. It's very important. It's about my puppy.

–Stuyvesant High School

Overheard by: student

Posted on August 27, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Black People, Crazies, Crazy, Customers, Drunks, Family Ties, Fears, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, On the Subway, Park Slope, Sexuality, Staten Island, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Threats, We Love Our Pets, Women

Which Is Exactly What I Look for in a Sword-Swallower

Black man #1: Yo, her mouth was so big it fit my dick and yo' balls in it.
Black Man #2: Oh, word?

–Yankees Stadium

Overheard by: HE said what?!

Posted on August 15, 2008
Balls, BJs, Black People, Body Parts, Default, Men, Penis, Yankee Stadium

The Seldom-Sung Prelude to “I Feel Pretty”

Black guy to Jewish guy: Hey man, you look pretty Jewish.
Jewish guy: Yeah, I know. You look pretty black.

–St. Mark's Place

Posted on August 14, 2008
Black People, Default, Guys, Jews, Judaism, Physical appearance, Race, Union Square and East Village

An Epidemic Of Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged white guy to younger black woman: Just leave them a message that's like "I woke up from my coma, don't worry. Not that you were worried anyway."

–Nederlander Theater

Overheard by: julia

Girl to friend: Everything was fine until I found out about the warts.

–Broadway & Waverly

Man to friends: All I know is that I was leaving town the next day, so I told her to take some Pepto-Bismol or Robitussin or whatever because I was gettin' some that night for sure!

–Bodega, 22nd St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Doug Tischler

Teenage black girl, within a group of friends: Them kids with autism, they be havin' mad skills!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: r. faith

Male yuppie: If she comes back with cold sores, I'll know who to go to.

–San Domenico Restaurant, East 26th St

Girl: Rabies is my biggest enemy.

–Bellerose, Queens

Posted on August 13, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Grocery Stores, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Medicine, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Village, Theater, Threats, White People, Yuppies

Son Of a Wednesday One-Liner!

Young mother: Yeah, she still talks like a baby. She still talkin' baby talk. Her favorite word is "bitch."

–C Train

Overheard by: Emily B.

Black chick on phone: So I asked that bitch and she said he's gonna be in the Special Olympics in Secaucus.

–33rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Jake

Conductor over PA system: Don't hold the doors, bitches!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Anna

Ghetto boyfriend to ghetto girlfriend: You know… You know that I luh' you, but I just wanna know, why you don't luh' me? Why, bitch, why?!

–Broadway & Canal

Overheard by: Aviva

Man on cell: It was a bad bitch? …a bad bitch?

–37th & Broadway

Girl to friend: …so then the guy turns the fuck around during "Chim chiminey" and just loses his shit on those two old bitches.

–24th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Viv

Posted on August 13, 2008
Babies, Black People, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Couples, Ghetto Chicks, Girlfriends, Girls, Insults, Love, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Shoes, Singing, The Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Words

…in Sheep's Clothing

Black gay guy: I thought she was a girl. Michelle thought she was a girl, too.
Michelle: I thought she was a young boy.

–4th St & Bedford Ave

Posted on August 8, 2008
Black People, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Queer guys

How Piss Fights Originated.

(Asian guy cuts in front of black guy in suit and starts peeing into toilet)
Black guy in suit: I was here first.
Asian guy: I have to go more.
Black guy in suit: Move or I am going to piss on your back, motherfucker.
(Black guy now stands side by side with Asian guy at toilet, both actually peeing into same toilet while trying to push each other away)

–W 4th Pizza Place

Posted on August 7, 2008
Asians, Black People, Default, Guys, Insults, Offers and requests, Pee, Restaurants & Cafes

When It's Dry and Ready, with Wednesday One-Liner I Shall Play

Professor: This episode contains a bunch of Jewish stereotypes, so I want to show a lot of it.

–Lincoln Center, Fordham University

Overheard by: Hartley

Boy with chinstrap and McDreamy quaff: Yo man, you tellin' me you never heard the story about when we got chased down by 1,000 Jews?!

–7-Eleven, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Brandi, Anna and a bunch of other people

Stunning black girl with big afro, to nebbishy guy eating Chinese food: I can be Jewish in three months. Does it require any money? No! Fuck you! I can be Jewish in three months!

–back garden at madame x

Overheard by: Erica

Woman walking past Young Frankenstein posters: Oh my god! Mel Brooks is like my favorite old Jew ever!! Well, except for Moses and Abraham.

–Hilton Theater

Overheard by: Roy

Hipster on cell: Your friend just came up to me, grabbed my nose, and asked, "Are you Jewish?"

–Piano's Lounge

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Mysterious and intense voice amid grunts and groans: Oh yeah! Give it to me, you fucking Jewish dickhead!

–Building, 46th & 10th

Overheard by: Not a Sexual AntiSemite

Posted on August 6, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Body Parts, Boys, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Education, Fordham, Girls, Hipsters, Insults, Judaism, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Movies, Nazis, On Cell, Questions, Teachers/Professors, Time, TV, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

…According to Martha Stewart Living

(movie set in SoHo)
Actor (showing where the fake blood stained his hands red): Man, if real blood did this it would be a lot easier to catch people.
Black guy: Man, ain't that the truth. A little hand sanitizer and that shit come right off.

–Houston & Sullivan

Posted on August 5, 2008
Actors, Black People, Blood & bleeding, Cleanliness, Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Soho

Anyone Else Find the Name “Cosmo” to Be the Most Disturbing Part of This Quote?

(a little black boy is skipping away from his group)
Middle aged black lady: Yeah, you skip Cosmo!
Nerdy 13-year-old white boy: Yeah, skip to your own fuckin' loo, motherfucker!

–6th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Christiana Little

Posted on August 1, 2008
Black People, Boys, Default, Insults, Kids, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness, White People, Women

Black People

How Piss Fights Originated.