Take Wednesday One-Liners and Call Me in the Morning

Dude on cell: I have meningitis! I have SARS! (several people look at him in concern) That's what you tell them! Just get out of doing it somehow!

–Amtrak Train, Penn Station

Overheard by: Momentarily Panicked

Irate old lady on cell: What are you talking about? She's supposed to be taking the train. (pause) What? The flu? Tell her to shove it up, I'm getting really sick of this. What kind of flu? Does she have diarrhea? A fever? Is she sneezing, coughing?

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Woman to husband: Deaf people can't hear.

–MoMA

Whiny preteen: Mom, I have diabetes. I'm not even playing around right now–I have diabetes.

–Marquis Theatre

Overheard by: Just here to see the show…

Girl on phone: I don't think I have rabies…do you think I have rabies?

–Columbia University

Dunkin' Donuts employee, sneezing near donuts, to customer: Don't worry, I work better when I'm sick.

–Dunkin' Donuts

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Couples, Customers, Girls, Guys, Handicaps, Illness, Jobs & Careers, MoMA, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penn Station, Public Transportation, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Theater, Trains Not Subway, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday-One-Liner Me, Kate

Black lesbian hipster: Don't, like, kiss me or look into my eyes…just fuck me and then buy me lunch.

–Eugene Lang College

Overheard by: Helena the Great

Little boy to sister, watching couple kissing and hugging: Ewwwwww! He kissed her!

–3rd Ave & 34th St

Overheard by: Valley

Guy on cell: So then if she has herpes, should I not kiss her?

–PATH Train

Woman to toddler: Yes, it's good. It's very good. Kissing and hugging are good.

–Eldridge St, Chinatown

Overheard by: wheelerface

Dad, to teenage son: Hey, Karen kissed me. And it was real.

–E 20th St

Overheard by: Angela

250-pound male Metro worker, singing gruffly: I kissed a girl and I liked it!

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Chis K

Posted on April 1, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Chinatown, Clerks, College, Dads, Fat People, Food, Grand Central, Guys, Hipsters, Hugs, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Kids, Lesbians, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Sex, Sisters, STDs, Street, Teens, Trains Not Subway, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

But I Told You I Didn't Want This Baby

Sales girl: Yo, I'm sorry I'm taking so long to close this register.
Supervisor: And I'm sorry I opened your register and it slammed you in the uterus.

–The Met

Posted on March 27, 2009
Apologies, Bosses, Clerks, Private Parts, The Met, Weirdness

On the Plus Side, I Get Tons Of Days Off for All Sorts Of Random Holidays

Overly enthusiastic customer: So I heard that they are coming out with a 32 gb iPhone for Christmas. Like a red product thing for Christmas. Is that true?
Overly perky Apple employee: Well, sir, I wouldn't know because I'm Jewish and whenever they have Christmas meetings, they kick me out of the room.

–Apple Store SoHo, Prince & Greene St

Overheard by: are they allowed to say that?

Posted on March 26, 2009
Christianity, Clerks, Customers, iPod, Judaism, Kick, Questions, Soho, Store

Wednesday Pleads Down to One-Liners

Thuggish Asian watching Cops in store window: Yo, the one without the shirt is always guilty.

–College Point

Teen girl on cell: I tried biting some people, I got arrested.

–R Train

Overheard by: Jon

Very loud and drunk crackhead to friend: I don't care who you are. Everybody goes to jail some time.

–Hoyt & Warren, Brooklyn

Pharmacist on phone: Oh my, is she okay? (pause) That's when you got arrested on the plane?
(pause) At Fort Dix!?

–Drugstore, 6th Ave

Overheard by: Transit161

Friend to another, yelling across street: Good luck with your rape case…I know it wasn't you!

–Centre & Grand

Overheard by: jzjmrdangerdowntown

Small boy, singing to himself: Goodbye, everybody say goodbye… To Chris Brown…'cuz he smacked a woman and he's going to jail.

–Barnard College

Posted on March 18, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Assholes, Brooklyn, Chinatown, Clerks, Clothing, Columbia (& Barnard), Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Prison, Queens, Questions, Rape, Singing, Store, Teens, Thugs, TV, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

…Depending Upon Whether or Not You Can Count Past “2”

Shop assistant: Would you like a $3 discount or $5 discount?
Aussie girl buying shoes: Well, that's a stupid question!
Shop assistant: No! That's not a stupid question!

–Shoe Store, 42nd St

Overheard by: ALINA

Posted on March 17, 2009
Clerks, Customers, Foreigners, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Questions, Shoes, Shopping, Store, Stupidity

New York's Customer Service Has a Distinctive Flavor

Customer: Do you have flypaper?
Store clerk: Yeah. On the counter.
Customer: Does it work on moths?
Store clerk: It should.
Customer: What if it doesn't?
Store clerk: Then move.

–Hardware Store

Posted on March 15, 2009
Advice, Clerks, Customers, Insects, Questions, Store

What If She's Going to Make You a Sandwich?

Clerk #1: Yeah, she said she wants me to be more possessive to her.
Clerk #2: What the fuck does that mean? Your bitch is crazy.
Clerk #1: I dunno what it means, but next time I see her I'm gonna say, “bitch, where you goin'?” and when she starts to answer me I'm just gonna yell, “no!”

–3rd St & Ave A

Overheard by: alex mwheel

Posted on February 23, 2009
Alphabet City, Clerks, Crazy, Insults, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Sorry, Ma'am, All the Guatemala Got Deported.

Older lady, with heavy Southern belle drawl: Excuse me, miss, is this Guatemala?
Sandwich shop clerk: What?
Older lady, indicating green condiment on her croissant sandwich: I really think this is Guatemala. Is it?

–51st St & Lexington Ave

Overheard by: Captain Zoom

Posted on February 5, 2009
Clerks, Food, Global Geography, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Questions, Stupidity, Women

Wednesday Fa La La La Liners

Nerdy middle aged white woman to postal clerk: Yes, I'd like just one sheet of the Disney, and one of the Kwanzaa.

–Cathedral Station Post Office

Overheard by: Emily B.

Woman yelling down a stairwell: Happy holidays to you, ma'am! Hope you choke on a candy cane!

–Central Park South

Overheard by: Daisy Mae

Girl: One morning, I woke up and I thought it was Christmas. Then I went outside and I realized it's not Christmas!

–57th & Columbus

Overheard by: Have a holly jolly Columbus Day?

Irish tourist woman: You went to Macy's? Did you see outside? They have black Santas here.

–Brendan's Bar

Overheard by: Danny

Old guy scanning tickets, singing quietly to self after each bar code beep: Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way…

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh!

Conductor on speaker: Ladies and gentlemen, we will be arriving shortly. In case you haven't finished your Christmas shopping, feel free to stop by the Metro North booth. You could buy a 10-trip for the kids, a weekly for the wife, or a one-way for the in-laws. Merry Christmas.

–Metro North

Overheard by: Christmas Spirit

Posted on December 24, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Celebrations/Parties, Central Park, Clerks, Conductors, Disney, Family Ties, Food, Foreigners, Girls, Holidays, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Nerds, Old People, One-liners, Passengers, Post Office, Public Transportation, Questions, Race, Shopping, Street, Stupidity, Time, Tourism, Trains Not Subway, Travel, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Clerks