Wednesday One-Liners Are So Nouveau Riche

Female shopper to Bloomingdale's cologne sprayer: Don't you dare spray your $30 over my $150.

–Perfume Aisle, Bloomingdale's

Old lady on cell: I mean, it's just five million…

–Madison & 77th St

Very rich mom to new nanny, about baby in stroller: Okay, well, she loves sushi, and…

–Upper East Side

Rich teen: I asked my mom to go to Louis Vuitton with me this weekend and she was like, "we're in a recession, let's go to Dolce."

–42nd St

Overheard by: I want a m6

Label-whore eating grapes and cheese, to friend: Oh my god, I feel so rich when I eat this stuff… Oh, wait, I am.

–Paul's Cafe

Posted on May 21, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Customers, Ethnic Food, Fashion, Fashionistas, Food, Friends, Girls, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, Rich people, Shopping, Store, Street, Stupidity, Teens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

If R. Kelly Wrote Nursery Rhymes

Girl #1: I'm gonna pee on you.
Girl #2: I peed on someone before.
Girl #3: Golden showers bring May flowers.

–34th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Robert Wood

Posted on May 21, 2015
Girls, Kink, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Pee

Might Be Better to Be Fat, Ugly, and Deluded

Asian girl: I was going down the stairs just now, and this girl was getting seriously upset over how horrible she looks today. Then the boy she was with went all, ‘Oh my god, stop it!’ and asked me, ‘Doesn’t she look good today?’
White girl: And then?
Asian girl: I told him she looks lovely, and came here.
White girl: Oh.
Asian girl: But goddammit, I wanted to slap her upside the face! I mean, don’t go around crying over how ugly you look when you’re obviously skinny and gorgeous — that just makes you a bitch!
White girl: Mmm-hm. Seriously.

–Bronx Science

Posted on May 21, 2015
Asians, Beauty, Default, Girls, Gripes, Museums, White People, Wishes & desires

The Prelude to This Season's Greatest Love Story

Guy to girl singing softly with her iPod: You are the worst singer ever!
Girl: You are the worst faggot ever!

–Starbucks, Wall St & Broadway

Posted on May 21, 2015
Girls, Guys, Insults, Music, Starbucks, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Birthday One-Liners

20-something guy on cell: My girlfriend's birthday is tomorrow. (pause) I don't know. Maybe a bong.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Steve Popovich

Girl to friend: I just wanted to hook up with him because we had the same birthday.

–8th St & 5th Ave

Rent cast member (shouting over shoulder): I turn 34 on Friday, I'm old but at least I made it past Jesus.

–Nederlander Theatre

Woman arguing loudly with her mother in the laundromat: My 30th birthday is gonna be ruined if we don't go to the wax museum!

–4th Ave & 14th St, Brooklyn

Guy handing out New York Post: Grab your free copy of New York Post, it's free, it's free! Oh, and happy birthday to me today, thank you very much for remembering it! Oh, what a lovely day…

–42nd & Madison

Overheard by: Eve

Posted on May 20, 2015
Actors, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birthdays, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Fashion, Free stuff!, Friends, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Hook Ups, Jesus, Laundromat, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, One-liners, Penn Station, Street, The Village, Theater, Vendors & Street Performers, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

My Sister's Roommate's Cousin Knows Wednesday One-Liner's Agent

Young thug in crooked baseball hat to female friend: No, everyone should have the right to love Tom Cruise.

–41st & Lexington

40-something Midwest tourist to 40-something friends: Yeah, this is where Miley Cyrus was staying. (points to Sheraton hotel, friends gasp in excitement)

–53rd & 7th

Tourist son to mom: Let's go to the park and watch Jerry Seinfeld play softball.

–67th & Central Park West

Overheard by: Q

Random guy outside on corner: Yo, I just saw Phil Donahue. I just saw him walking down the street… (starts to sing in Cops theme song style) Whatchu gonna do when Phil Donahue comes for you? (pause) Yo, Phil Donahue is a crazy motherfucker!

–Astoria Boulevard, Queens

Girl on cell: Yeah, but I tower over him when I wear heels…and I'm not exactly sure if I'm ready to be Katie Holmes to his Tom Cruise.

–33rd & Broadway

Woman: Everywhere I go, I see either someone I know or a celebrity!

–69th & Columbus

Little boy to mother: Oooh…I thought Malcolm X was a singer.

–Flatbush & Beekman

Overheard by: Chelsea

Posted on May 20, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Boys, Brooklyn, Girls, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Kids, Love, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Relationships, Shoes, Sports, Thugs, Tourists, TV, Women

The Books Are Over, Wednesday One-Liner, Deal With It.

Grad student: It’s like Hogwarts. Witches go to Hogwarts. They don’t go to Harvard Witch Management.

–Think Coffee, Mercer & W 4th

Overheard by: this analogy makes no sense

German dude to other German dude, in rapid German: Voldemort! And Dumbledore!

–96th & Broadway

Overheard by: LeLeLe

Teen girl: He said that Dumbledore takes it up the ass. Seriously.

–1 train

Overheard by: Silverhawk

High school thug girl: Yo dead ass, Harry Potter is hot.

–Houston & Green

Overheard by: chedr

Perverted tween: I wonder how many old women are into Dumbledore. They must be like "oooooohh! Dumbledooooooore!"

–D train

Overheard by: tanechka

Drunk 20-something woman on cell: I’ve fallen off the Voldemort wagon!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: McFreaky

Posted on May 19, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Beauty, Books & Writing, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drunks, Education, Foreigners, Girls, Guys, Magic, Movies, On the Subway, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Students, Teens, The Village, Thugs, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

I'm Barred From Her Dungeon for Life

Slutty lesbian chick buying ice cream: So then she says “Scream! I'm going to keep spanking you until you scream!”
Slightly less slutty chick: So what did you do?
Slutty lesbian chick: Well, I wanted it to be hot, but when it came out it wasn't so much an “I'm getting spanked, and it's hot” scream as it was an “I'm shitty and it hurts” grunt.

–Grocery Store, The Bronx

Posted on May 19, 2015
Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Grocery Stores, Lesbians, S&M, The Bronx, Violence, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Uh oh. I’m not married or gay…

Chick #1: I have never been in love! Never never ever! Can you believe it?
Chick #2: Really? Wow! Well, look what’s out there.
Chick #1: I know! All the good ones are married, all the cute ones are gay, and the rest look like Shrek! All I want to do is meet a really sweet nice guy whos gorgeous and musical and creative and sweet like Jack White! Oh my god, he’s a god!
Chick #2: That White Stripes guy that punched someone out?
Chick #1: Yeah, he’s my idea of a perfect guy! God I love him!
Chick #2: Look! I got chocolate!
Chick #1: Yeah! Chocolate!

–Otto’s Shrunken Head, East Village

Posted on May 19, 2015
About Celebrities, Bars & Clubs, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Food, Girls, Idiots, Love, Music, Stupidity, Talking/Convos

And You’re Not the Only One

Girl: I need to get something for my boyfriend for valentine’s day. I’m thinking of some panties and an outfit from Victoria’s Secret. What do you think?
Boy: That’s nice. I like dirty panties. Hanes tighty whities for women. I like them real dirty and crusty lookin’, like she just rolled around in some shit.
Girl: You nasty! What’s wrong with you?
Boy: Don’t be hatin’, that’s what I like.

–R Train

Overheard by: Chris

Posted on May 19, 2015
Boys, Clothing, Compliments, Default, Gifts, Girls, Holidays, On the Subway, Questions, Weirdness

Girls