Wednesday One-Liners Swear It's Swine Flu

Sick cop to another: The way I see it, you've got seven holes in your head. If you don't wanna get sick, you just gotta keep your fingers out of those seven holes. Then you'll be good.

–ER, Saint Vincent Hospital

Overheard by: Dustin

Old-school pimp on cell: I'm sick. (pause) Naw, baby, I just want you to bring me some money and chicken soup.

–96th & Columbus Ave

Woman on phone: Yeah, I'm doing really well. I just have some cancerous issues. But other than that, I'm great!

–East Village

Overheard by: Erin

Woman to friend: So I was worried I had a urinary tract infection or something, even though it didn't hurt when I was peeing. But it turns out it was just a pube stuck in my clit.

–R Train

Overheard by: what the hell?

Guy to friend: So, I finally got athlete's foot.

–116th & Broadway

Chick to guy friend: Well, if you hadn't spent the entire morning cursing out yo momma, then you wouldn't had gotten swine flu!

–Edward R. Murrow High School, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Amused Freshman

Hippie girl on cell: Hey, mom! How are you? (pause) Not so good, actually, my bloodwork just came back and I have Lyme disease! (pause) I know…it's like 70 degrees here!

–42nd & Park Ave

Overheard by: AwkwardTwig

Posted on June 3, 2009
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cancer, Columbia University, Cops, Crazy, Fast Times at New York High, Food, Friends, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Hippies, Hospitals, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pee, Street, Stupidity, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

…But All I'd Said Was, “Some Weather, Huh?”

Guy, after lengthy technical explanation: Yeah, so SPF 10 is only twice as strong as SPF 5.
Girl: Now I get it.

–Elevator, 39th & 2nd

Overheard by: kerin

Posted on June 1, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Elevators, Girls, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Murray Hill and Gramercy

Let's Swing by After Ultimate Fighting Practice!

Huge black guy #1: Oh man, they have a wonderful exfoliator. It's wonderful!
Huge black guy #2: Oh, yeah man. You know where we got to go? It's this place called lush!

–Time Warner Center

Posted on May 31, 2009
Black People, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Weirdness

And Milk That for All It's Worth?

Ghetto girl #1: You are so ignorant!
Ghetto girl #2: Don't call me that! You know I hate that word!
Ghetto girl #1: What do you want me to call you? Lactose intolerant?

–A Train

Posted on May 30, 2009
Ghetto Chicks, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, On the Subway, Questions, Wishes & desires, Words

I Need Tight Jeans to Stabilize My Pelvis

Girl #1: I wish someone would tie my pubic bone back together.
Girl #2: don't you mean your “pelvic” bone?
Girl #1: No dude, it's definitely my pubic bone that's all shifted.

–Urban Outfitters, 14th & 6th

Posted on May 21, 2009
Girls, Health and Hygiene, Private Parts, Store, The Village, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Words

Oh, Get Your Mind Out Of the Wednesday One-Liner!

Angry bus driver: Get out of my rear. Get out of my rear.

–Q44 Bus

Overheard by: This is why men do not give birth

Law professor, pulling out a cough drop: Sorry guys, if I don't suck on this, I just won't make it.

–CUNY Law School

Overheard by: That's what she said

Chemistry teacher: No, it's really warm here. (pause) Feel my test-tube.

–Stuyvesant High School

Large black lady to girlfriend: I'm not gonna let him put his babbaganush in my peace pipe!

–Houston St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: ian has a face

Loud woman on cell: Yes, he stuck it up my right one, and when it was halfway in, I was like "ow, you need to take it out!" and then he stuck it up my left one, and I felt no discomfort!

–72nd & 2nd

Old lady to another: So is there an oral tradition in your family then?

–86th & Broadway

Overheard by: Frenchie

Posted on May 20, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, BJs, Black People, Bus, Bus Drivers, Classroom, College, Family Ties, Fat People, Girlfriends, Health and Hygiene, Heat, Medicine, Old People, On Cell, On the Bus, One-liners, Penis, Private Parts, Public Transportation, Questions, School and studying, Sensory Experiences, Sex, Smoking, Students, Stuyvesant, Teachers/Professors, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Will Work for Wednesday One-Liners

Middle-aged woman: My work is better than my personality, honestly.

–40th b/w Park & Madison

Overheard by: Jim

Girl on cell: But you don't speak English or Spanish good. Baby, you just aren't that smart, how you supposed to get a job?

–Baskin & Robbins Downtown

Conductor: I really don't give a damn whether or not you stand clear of the closing doors, because regardless of where we go I'm still working.

–1 Train

Overheard by: gefilte fish junkie

Hobo, arguing with another: Don't talk to me like I'm yo' job.

–Harlem

Overheard by: Emily

Whiny lady on cell: Yeah, so I think I am allergic to my office. (pause) Oh, no, no, I am positive I am allergic to something in the office. Every time I am in there, sitting in my chair, I get these pains in my back.

–41st St & Park Ave

Overheard by: you still have a job, ungrateful lady!

Hobo to passers-by: Where are you all going? There ain't no jobs.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jillian

Posted on May 13, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Passengers, Public Transportation, Questions, Store, Strangers, Street, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Boweling Night's Not 'til Tomorrow

Woman #1: Did you tell your friends about my constipation?
Woman #2: No, I didn't, they wouldn't appreciate it.

–79 & 3rd

Posted on May 12, 2009
Friendship, Health and Hygiene, Questions, Upper East Side, Women

I Was Supposed to Make Dessert!

Tween thug #1: Yo, Beth Israel hospital. You gotta be a Jew to go there? Haha!
Tween thug #2, somberly: No. My grandmother was in there.
Tween thug #1: Oh. I'm sorry… Shit! Look, that's where we got arrested! They cuffed me on that corner!
Tween thug #2: Yo, what time is it?
Tween thug #1: 5:11. (pause) Oh damn, my momma told me I had to be home at 5! She gonna kill me.

–B82 Bus

Posted on May 10, 2009
Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, Health and Hygiene, Judaism, Murder, On the Bus, Parents, Thugs, Time, Tweens

Health and Hygiene