Hobo, jingling change in old paper bag: Damn baby! You are a beautiful girl!
Girl: [Looks away.]Hobo: Will you marry me? I promise you a palace!!
–F Train
Overheard by: Sara
Hobo, jingling change in old paper bag: Damn baby! You are a beautiful girl!
Girl: [Looks away.]Hobo: Will you marry me? I promise you a palace!!
–F Train
Overheard by: Sara
Big bald guy: No, no, you don’t have to be ordained to marry people at the show. Just put on the Pope robe if you want to marry people.
–Office Building, Hudson St
Guy: I took your advice, bro. I’m gonna marry her in a little over three weeks. But… I gotta get drunk first.
–Houston & Broadway
Overheard by: erin
Suit #1 to suit #2: Well, maybe she won’t sign the pre-nup and then you’ll be free.
–Wall Street
Black chick: No! No! Ain’t no one gettin’ lynched at my wedding!
–Food Dimensions, Myrtle & Broadway
Overheard by: off white
Woman on cell: The only time he gets to be himself is when he goes away and that’s the way he saves the marriage… Otherwise it’s "Mommy, I don’t feel well’ and ‘Mommy, may I be excused from the table."
–23rd St & 5th Ave
Overheard by: Mugsy’s Moll
Goth chick on phone: He proposed to me while he was in me… Yea, well, I mean he told me after that he really meant it!
–Penn Station
Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they’re giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It’s fantastic.
–Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South
Overheard by: Rose Fox
Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It’s very easy to find a girl with medical coverage… Dental, not so easy.
–77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights
Overheard by: Gail Montemayor
Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted ’em to take all of mine and be all gums.
–D Train
Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer
Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.
–77th and 2nd
Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything’s lookin’ good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain’t gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she’s gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.
–Atlantic Mall
Overheard by: jsillyfun
Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head…
–4 train
Guy on acid: I can’t get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!
–Riverside Park
Overheard by: LSB
Drunk girl: I don’t like god, he always tries to put it in my butt.
–D train
20-something man to friend: P.S. It was in the ass that I fucked her.
–3rd Ave
Overheard by: AdHoculi
Girl on cell: I mean, I don’t know if it’s because I like never do this or if it’s because it’s sooo big… But my ass is like really sore now! I mean, I can’t even sit down.
–UWS
Teenage girl on cell: You sound surprisingly perky for someone who just got butt raped.
–Grand Central
Overheard by: westchester girl
Young lady:… And then he jammed it in my shitbox.
–Livingston and Boerum, Brooklyn Heights
B&T suit on cell: You just have to level with her, dude. Just tell her that if she wants to land a husband in this day and age, she has to learn to like it in the butt.
–Madison Square Garden
Overheard by: David
Ghetto man, sticking his head into the car and yelling to no one in particular: Are you single? [Nobody replies.] Are you single?!
Ghetto girl: Yeah, I’m single.
[he walks over to her.]
Ghetto girl: My husband left me. After five years he just left. Said “I love Frank.”
Ghetto man, announcing to the rest of the car: Did you hear that? This woman’s husband left her for another man! [to the woman]: What’s your phone number? [She gives out digits]
–F train
Overheard by: and she wonders why…
Harried groom, shouting: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!
Guy on line: Sure, I’ll do it. [Turns to woman at the window.] Wait, can I be a witness for this guy and still be a witness for them back there?
Woman at window: Um, no.
Harried groom: Is there anyone here who has a valid ID who isn’t already a witness who can be a witness for my wedding ceremony?!
–Marriage license office, County Clerk, Brooklyn
Overheard by: fiancee of the guy who ended up witnessing
Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Trainspotter
Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.
—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre
Overheard by: Michael Baker
Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!
–Burns St, Forest Hills
Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.
–C train
Overheard by: Sarah F.
Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: Really!
Old lady to other: Oh… S & M… Do you like to be the dominant one?
–El Greco Diner, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Robert
Girl boarding elevator, to friend: So, it’s not good when you have to ask your boyfriend if he’s ever whipped himself… [Notices other people on elevator] Oops.
–Elevator, 34th & 1st
Chick to another: We all assume that one day you’ll be married with kids… Probably with a dungeon in the basement, but nonetheless.
–House party, 113th & Amsterdam
Overheard by: McFreaky
Leather goods hawker: I’ve got leather everything! Leather thongs, leather socks… I got a leather condom with a zipper up the side!
–Orchard, near Rivington
Overheard by: losaida
Man: That Chinese lady liked it when I whipped you.
–G train
Overheard by: Jordan
TA to another: I love that we’ve been e-mailing about a student’s paper under the subject line ‘Fetish Ball.’
–Columbia University
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Small child, happily: … And that’s the kind of pain that never goes away!
–1 train
Overheard by: Emily Star
Black girl: Antoine got married, I heard.
Black dude: Yo, his wife is that bitch we menage à trois-ed, like, last year. He knew what we did to that girl, and he still married her and had a kid with her.
Black girl: That’s crazy.
Black dude: See this Swiss cheese? We put holes in that girl.
–Blimpie, 23rd & 6th
Mom: Honey, I just wish you would want a happy, successful marriage like I have.
Adult daughter: Third time’s the charm, huh, Mom?
–Starbucks, 78th & Lex
Overheard by: Shut up, Mom, a.k.a. this is so much like my life it’s crazy
