Poop

The End Of Western Civilization: An OINY Short Story.

Lawyer #1: I saw this funny video on YouTube last night. I did a search for “retards” and there was this one called “retarded Britney Spears fan.” It was a retard singing one of her songs.
Lawyer #2: Have you seen 2 Girls 1 Cup?
Lawyer #1: I was able to watch about two seconds of it before I had to click it off.
Lawyer #2: Did you see the one called “extreme pain”? I could only watch about five seconds of it. A guy was cutting off his own dick.
Lawyer #1: That's some sick shit. How's your cat?
Lawyer #2: You should see her. She rolls over on her back and my dog licks her between the legs for a long time, then smacks his lips.
Lawyer #1: You should video that and put it on YouTube. Call it “eating pussy.” You'll get a million hits!

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St., Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

If They Had Kids, There’s a Fifth Option

Girl: Think you’ll be able to convince your parents to go see a movie or something over Christmas?
Guy: Not a chance. My parents are impossible to motivate to do anything.
Girl: Ah, I bet you could get them to at least try during the holidays.
Guy: I’m not kidding…They are completely exhausted by eating, sleeping, shitting, and working. That’s all they have energy for.

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: BBW

But I Didn't Even Get to Describe the Size and Texture

College guy #1: I've been working hard to lose weight this year.
College guy #2: I can certainly see the change in your face.
College guy #1: Yeah, I've been crapping a lot lately.
(college guy #2 is silent)
College guy #1: I mean I've been dumping a whole lot.
College guy #2: Okay, that's enough.

–Gym, Columbia University

Wednesday One-Liners Do Dallas

Hobo: I was an extra in the movie [inaudible] Times Square, man! Did you see it? I was the one down on my knees screaming, ‘I’m a born-again porno addict!’

–N train

Man on cell: Yo, dude, I don’t know what to get! They got all kinds of shit in there!

–Outside adult video store, 14th & 6th

Overheard by: Sarah

Hot chick on cell: Why are you so stressed?! This sounds like a good thing! Don’t be so serious about it! It’ll be okay! Here, did you know there’s an animal rights group called ‘Porn Stars for Pups’?

–The Black Sheep

Overheard by: Argopelter

Guy on cell, pushing by couple with baby in stroller: I’m not going to California! I pay her twelve hundred dollars per hour. If she doesn’t sleep with Niko, then fire her! I lost a hundred thirty-eight fucking grand yesterday! Tell her what to do, and deal with it!

–Horatio & Hudson

Overheard by: Stephen Lindsay

Angry girl to friend: Seriously, Chris, can’t we go one day without talking about shizer porn?!

–East Village

That’s Going to Be Great Advice in Kindergarten

Little kid: Mommy…Mommmmmyyyyyy! I have got to poop!
Mom: Would you please just crap in your pants and quit screaming about it already!

–9th between 1st & A

Overheard by: Katie

“…No! Not that! Anything but that!”

Toddler boy: I don’t need to go anymore.
Dad: I just waited in line for ten minutes. You better fart or something.

–Public bathroom, Coney Island

Overheard by: Ronnie Saha

Wednesday One-Liners Like Their Women Like They Like Their Coffee: Hot, and with a Spoon in Them.

Hipster on cell: Dude, yeah, coffee gives me the shits too; but I'd rather have the shits than no coffee.

–Dunkin' Donuts

Overheard by: Madalyn

Poet, selling self-published book on train: We're like Starbucks coffee and biscotti; you're tall and hot and I'm hard and nutty.

–Uptown 6 Train

Overheard by: Marc

Little girl to mother: It's like every single person in the whole wide world came to Starbucks and we were the veeeerrrrryyy last ones.

–Starbucks

Colonel Sanders-looking man, in strong Southern accent: I want somethin cold… Whadya git?

–Starbucks

Real Bunny Eyes Dissolve, Too

Girl #1: We did this experiment with Peeps in high school. Nothing dissolved them. Not hydrochloric acid. Highly concentrated. Not sulfuric acid. Highly concentrated. Not nitric acid. Highly concentrated. Nothing dissolved except the eyes.
Girl #2: So how come when I eat Peeps, my poop isn’t pink and sparkly?
Girl #1: Oh, there’s ingredient breakdown and bile’s involved, but you pretty much shit Peep.

–Metro-North train

“What, we’re going to end up on some lame blog?”

Girl: So are you still upset about her?
Guy: No, it’s okay, her breath smells funny…like poop.
Girl: I had a swim coach like that. So does her breath really smell like poop?
Guy: Did you have to say it that loud?

–New York Public Library, 40th & 5th

Overheard by: Andrew Marsh

At Least He Doesn't Eat Your Slippers, Like the Tenant.

Girlfriend: He's not, like, the ideal tenant, know what I mean?
Boyfriend: Yeah, I know.
Girlfriend, to pooping bulldog: Sit! God, you're such an ass! Sit!

–9th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Tom Fickle

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