Boy, passing smokers: Daddy, I smell cigarettes.
Dad: I know, it's smelly…
Smoker #1: Daddy, I smell obnoxious children.
Smoker #2: I know, they're smelly…
Dad, leaving: Poopie-heads.
–120th St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: smoker
Boy, passing smokers: Daddy, I smell cigarettes.
Dad: I know, it's smelly…
Smoker #1: Daddy, I smell obnoxious children.
Smoker #2: I know, they're smelly…
Dad, leaving: Poopie-heads.
–120th St & Amsterdam Ave
Overheard by: smoker
Suit: Guess what he found. (pause) A stick of butter. (pause) In the soap dish of the bathtub upstairs.
–Cafe Toda, Broadway & John St
Loud teenage boy: They're completely uncivilized. They don't even use tomato sauce.
–Japan Society
Overheard by: Sunny
Student, about dorm room: I walk in and thought there was a pile of shit on my bed. I look a little closer, and it was a fucking wad of dip.
–College, The Bronx
Student to another: Who made you the butter police?
–Union & 7th Ave, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Lauren Razzore
Guy to girl smoking cigarette: Didn't your mother tell you smoking is bad for you?
Girl: Didn't your mother tell you never to talk to strangers?
–181st & Broadway
Guy in white shirt and tie: So what, so what if the aliens landed in Brooklyn? And they start shooting their guns, their laser guns on the corner, in the candy store? What then? Do we just let them in the shelter?
–John Jay College of Criminal Justice
Crazy guy: I am an alien from outer space! I have crash landed on your planet! This is our language! (saxophone solo)
–C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Conductor: We will be stopped at the next station for ten minutes. You are not allowed to exit the train, so that means no smoke breaks or bathroom trips. If you do get off of the train you will be abducted by aliens and never heard from again.
–Amtrak Train, Penn station
Overheard by: Madge
Hobo to teen girls: Can you spare some change for a space man? I wanna get drunk later.
–94th St & Broadway
Slacker dude #1: I'm the only one at my school who still rolls blunts.
Slacker dude #2: Oh, yeah?
Slacker dude #1: Yeah, they all use joints, but nobody knows how to roll a good blunt. It's like a lost art.
Slacker dude #2: Totally!
–Allen & Delancy
Overheard by: Kyle
Boys in group, walking past novelty shop: Booong! Booong! Booong!
Irate friend: That's not a bong, that's a dildo, dumbass!
–6th Ave & W 4th St
Overheard by: theincredilbong
Hipster girl: I didn't know you smoked.
Hipster guy: Yeah. I know it's bad for me, but I really don't want to be old.
–Broadway & Broome
Building fire safety supervisor, over intercom: Attention! This is your fire safety supervisor. The alarm you are hearing was accidentally triggered by a delivery person on the 18th floor. Repeat, the alarm was accidentally triggered. There is no fire. I will continue to keep you alarmed throughout the day.
–5th & 57th
Overheard by: Paul Tabachneck
MTA worker over intercom: Attention ladies and gentlemen, there is no n or r train service at this station. I repeat: no n or r train service at this station. (repeats this roughly a dozen times) You hear that? No trains. Not even half a train. No. Trains.
–59th & Lexington
Overheard by: was hoping there was a chance of a train…
Female announcer, with a little attitude: Attention people standing on the uptown local platform! Why are you standing there? No trains are stopping at that platform; they're all on the express track, like that c train stopping right now.
–34th St & 8th Ave
Overheard by: going downtown, thank you
Announcer: We would like to remind all passengers that there is no smoking on MTA platforms. Especially blunts. (guy smoking blunt in station leaves)
–High Street Station
Loudspeaker: Will James please come to the courtesy desk? Your wife is lost.
–Stop 'n' Shop, Staten Island
Overheard by: Emily
Very young thug to slightly older thug: My nigga, I'm the fuckin' ghetto McGyver! I can make a…a cigarette filter into a knife!
–Uptown B Train
Overheard by: It's a little too squishy to be very threatening…
Ghetto man: A woman tried to stab me once while we was having sex!
–Broadway & 32nd St
Girl on cell: She got stabbed 15 times. They said it was self defense.
–94th St & 1st Ave
Overheard by: Dan Rosen
Black guy on cell: Dude, she was trying to stab me with a corkscrew! I couldn't listen to you at a time like that! I was in crisis mode! (pause) Yes! A fucking corkscrew! A corkscrew, nigga! A motherfucking corkscrew!
–Fulton Street Mall
Hobo, wearing plastic crown wrapped in toilet paper: And after I got out of jail for trying to stab that motherfucker with a screwdriver, I said "fuck it, I'm the motherfucking Statue of Liberty! What you looking at, whitey?"
–4/5 Train
Overheard by: Whitey
Hip young NYU student on cell: I was with Ricky again last night. (pause) Yeah, I had to pull the knife out on him again. (pause) No, but it was funny, though.
–NYU
Overheard by: brooklyn1234
Crotchety old Jewish lady, passing Palm Sunday parade: Easter is for amateurs.
–W 72nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Naomi Choy Smith
Little old lady looking down steep basement stairway: Wow…I wouldn't want to be drunk going down those stairs!
–Broome & Essex
Old guy: I'm going out for a smoke. If you see someone take this jacket, shoot to kill.
–Starbucks
Old man with beard, hunched over walker, watching couple holding hands: You two been doin' the nasty, ain't ya?
–27th & Broadway
Old black lady in wheelchair: I mean, what was he gonna do with a dead body?
–Bowery
Overheard by: Lauren
Very old man to another, in thick New York accent: Ya gotta take it…and put it on ya rectum like this. (demonstrates with hand gesture)
–53rd St & 10th Ave
Elderly gentleman to another: From now on, you will obey me!
–Carnegie Hall
