Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Get Prison Tats

Woman: If it’s not illegal, it’s not worth doing. That’s my motto.

–Walker & Broadway

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Guy on cell: If I put on some weight around the middle, I’ll just go to jail and get my six-pack back. I don’t give a fuck!

–Bay Ridge Pkwy & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: The Inimitable Karen

Mother to young son: If you do that again, Mommy’s going to send you to Rikers!

–Staples, the Village

Overheard by: Afraid of Tough Love

Man to female companion: Imagine the kind of cool stuff we could do if we didn’t have jobs. We’d totally learn how to be pickpockets. What’s the worst that could happen? We’d get arrested and thrown in jail for a couple days every once in a while, but we’d make so much money!

–Rockefeller Center

Pilot: … And to your left you’ll see Rikers Island, where I spend my weekends…

–Flight to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Drumm

Angry woman: Thank God that shit came back negative. Maybe I can drop them charges now!

–Free STD screening clinic, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners for Kendra

Young lady: Stupid people have more fun!

–Chrystie & Housten

Overheard by: Probably True…

Middle age woman to young woman pushing stroller: Well, this is a stupid place for a stroller!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Would the street be safer?

Oversized hip-hop boyfriend to undersized girlfriend: I'm being stupid for your benefit.

–Duane Reade

Woman buying ibuprofen: It's not a virus. My mother's got a headache from everyone being stupid.

–Inwood

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl smoking on the sidewalk to smoking friend: He's perfect. Except that he's kind of dumb. But he's perfect!

–34th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Katface

Party On, Wednesday One-Liners! Party On, Garth!

Eight-year-old boy to friend: If we go to college do you wanna be roommates? What college do you wanna go to? I wanna go to Yale. Actually, no, I hate Yale. They have naked parties.

–P.S. 3, Hudson St, between Bleecker & Grove

Overheard by: Joeb

Black dude: Get this — the theme of the party is ‘Bring a white chick.’

–Union Square

Girl on cell: So, how was that party last night? Did you find anything to stick your dick in?

–14th & 5th

Little kid: Toga! Toga! Toga!

–Staten Island

Overheard by: Matt Roca

Fat sweatsuit on cell: Order me some wings — I’m ready to party! I said order me some wings — I’m ready to party!

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Queemys Mommy

Wednesday One-Liners Will Swallow for Diamonds

Mother to five-year-old daughter: That's why she's a very smart woman. She married a very rich man for exactly that reason.

–University Place &10th St

Overheard by: evanescent

Homeless man to little boy with parents: Ask your mama why she marry your daddy. She'll tell you it was for the money.

–Statue of Liberty

Sorority girl to another: So like, do you think Brad makes good investments?

–53rd & 1st

Asian girl on cell: It's like I have a sign that says "trophy wife" written across my forehead, and then they find out I'm 22 and the sign is suddenly in neon.

–Tribeca

Girl on cell: No, you remember, I'm going to be a gold-digger! It's like a hooker, but smarter.

–NYU Classroom

We Heart Wednesday One-Liners, Now More Than Ever

Guy to friend: Oowee! Some weed and a perm! That's my perfect New York day.

–West Village

Overheard by: Joe

Conductor: Step in, stand clear…let's go New York!

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ashley Nelson

Intoxicated creepster: Are we in Manhattan? What the hell! This city is so full of New Yorkers!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Lizzzzz

Bitter man on subway: I think one summer here would cure them of any love they have for this town.

–1 Train

Passerby to surprised-looking wife, watching fight: They're fighting. It's New York, that's what people do in this city.

–City Hall

Overheard by: ascorbique & almost famous

Grinning paramedic to female tourist in shock, strapping her to backboard after she was struck by a car: Welcome to New York!

–34th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Mateo que Feo

Doctor, It Hurts When I Wednesday My One-Liners!

White college girl: I would definitely want to be a doctor, if I didn't have to go to medical school.

–Fordham University

Nurse to another: Well, it seems that the themes of the day were UTIs and pregnancies.

–NYU Student Health Center

Overheard by: had neither

Black male pre-teen to mother: I know all about doctors, 'cause I watch shows about that. (pause) Actually, I watch Dr Phil.

–1 Train

Guy to two girls: I had to fire my doctor, I didn't like what he told me.

–39th & Lexington

Doctor, drawing on napkin and displaying results to student: This is you…in 40 years, in a fugue state. In Turkey. Dissociative fugue–learn neurology!

–168th & Fort Washington

Wednesday One-Liners for Chuck Bass

Gay guy to passersby: Spare an asshole for a gay man?

–Union Square

Man to woman: It's not that I'm an asshole; I just don't want to be seen with you.

–Bar, Upper West Side

Overheard by: Eric

Hipster chic: You could fit a globe in your asshole, it's so big.

–Bedford Ave & 3rd St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: letthemusicplayy

Woman, answering cell: Hey, asshole!

–Rite Aid, Grand Central

Wednesday One-Liners Light Up the Sky Like a Flame

Woman: So, I left her this really erotic message right before her hotel room burnt down. I think that’s why we didn’t get the apartment.

–2 train

30-ish lady to friend: That boy lights himself on fire every time he’s welding something. I think he likes it. He’s some kind of weird pyro.

–17th & 5th, Park Slope

British chick on cell: He what? He keeps setting himself on fire?

–Urban Outfitters, 10th & 2nd

Overheard by: Salami

Queer on cell: So, Todd said, ‘Do you smell smoke?’ It was the gay mafia! They were trying to burn down the bar.

–14th & Ave B

Tipsy 20-something: Well, at least you didn’t get set on fire. That’s the important thing.

–1 train, 72nd St station

Overheard by: Pitr

Wednesday One-Liners Put Them on One Leg at a Time, Like Everyone Else

Woman to old lady: Put your shoes on so your pants don’t fall off.

–Ladies’ bathroom, Manhattan Mall

Guy: I wanna go to a zoo where all the animals are wearing pants.

–Prospect Park Zoo

Overheard by: Valerie Fasone

Tourist dad: Did you see that thing? It just went–Zip!–Right up his pant leg!

–23rd & 6th

Overheard by: Stephen Distinti

Older man on cell: OK, let me know what Margot says and let me know if my pants are there.

–Chinatown

Overheard by: Elise

Doctor to wife: I had a patient bleed on these pants today; should I wash them tonight?

–L Train

Overheard by: Jason

Suit #1 to suit #2: The first thing to come to my mind is: I have a girlfriend, she has a boyfriend, how can I get into her pants one last time?

–Downtown 4 train

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Teen girl on cell: So then he wanted me to go down on him and I said, "OK." He pulls down his pants, and let me tell you, girl, I could not stop laughing.

–Court & Atlantic, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Size always matters

Wednesday One-Liners Took “For Poorer” Out of Their Vows

Gold digger to friend: Yeah, I’m done with doctors. I want an architect.

–E 80th St

Overheard by: hannah g

Annoyed JAP: So, he told me that I would date my way out of the Upper East Side.

–Ladies’ room, Johnny’s Uptown

Overheard by: Grover

Patient to receptionist: She no-showed on me, too, but I didn’t like her anyway because she has Alzheimer’s, and she’s a gold digger.

–Dentist’s office

JAP: I mean, I was raised never thinking I would ever have to take care of myself.

–Penn Station

Chick: I mean, he’s, like, a little unstable. He just seems a little wired, but he works for a hedge fund, so…

–77th & 3rd

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