Guy: 100 bucks! Can you believe it? 100 bucks and all I had to do was suck on his toes for a while!
–Soho
Overheard by: J. B. Palka
Hobo preacher: You might as well just start wiping your ass with your
college diploma, because that’s all they’re good for anyway.
–Union Square
Jungian: Let’s be honest: everyone knows he has the personality of an air conditioner.
–39th & Madison
Overheard by: Emily
Queer, looking at hordes of tourists: It’s times like this I wish I carried a taser.
–33rd St
Overheard by: jackattack
Ghetto girl: He smell like a sanitation truck. You know how when a sanitation truck drives by and it just smells nasty? Yeah, he like 8 trucks in a row!
–R train, 23rd St
Overheard by: Sue
Sarcastic hipster: Wow, that girl over there is a great artist. She did a fantastic job of drawing her eyebrows on her face.
–Brooklyn bound L train
College kid: Tourists are kinda like retards; I want to help, but I just never seem to.
–44th & 5th
Overheard by: David
Guy on headset: I don’t want no broke ass bitches. She couldn’t even rub two crackers together.
–Bleecker & Carmine
Ghetto waitress: Ugh. Table 9 has had so much work done on her face. Too bad she still look busted.
–Sarabeth’s East, 92nd & Madison
Overheard by: Dan
Woman conductor: Take all of your personal belongings and all parts of your body as you leave the train.
–Brooklyn-bound D train
Bronx woman: I do not have ‘cheeseburger’ written on my forehead.
–Parkchester, Bronx
Overheard by: walking too fast to hear more
20-something girl to woman praying with legs wide open: When I move over it’s so your warm thighs aren’t pressed up against mine.
–Downtown A train
Overheard by: lisa l.
Chick: So then he slammed my infected eyebrow right into his crotch. It was terrific!
–Theater, 1st Ave & 9th St
Overheard by: Rose Fox
British guy to girlfriend: Can I have your tongue?
–Scruffy Duffy’s, 8th Ave
Skinny 20-something: My head swung like a pendulum… I had a brain injury, but it’s okay because the part of the brain that got injured — the doctors are unsure of its function.
–7 train
Overheard by: Holy Crap!
Middle-aged guy lunching with female companions: So… Do you know if there’s any other organs on my body that could grow teeth?
–Sushi Samba, West Village
Earnest sidewalk pollster: Sir? Have you got a minute to talk about the sanitation department? Do you think it's normal?
–51st St & Lexington
Overheard by: jake-e
Conductor, bending down before fainted man: C'mon! Dude! What did I tell you before? Get up and sit down and pass out in the seat like regular normal people. People think you're dead. Get up.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: I guess not a normal person
Girl, during History of Islam class: Miracles show us what's normal and what's, like, super above normal.
–Hunter College
Woman, bending down to adjust child: You have to walk normally now–like a normal person.
–Museum of Natural History
Nerd guy to friend: It wouldn't be child labor. You just hook them up to electrodes, connect them to the the power grid, and have them play on the playground like normal!
–Shuttle to Times Square
Wasp woman, looking at Asian Peoples exhibit: Oh, honey, look, that woman looks just like that woman at that Chinese food place we like!
–Museum of Natrual History
Overheard by: Heather
Older man to Chinese friend: You know, Caucasians really can't tell the difference between the Asians and the Chinese.
–23rd St b/w 5th & 6th Ave
Overheard by: James
Burly bouncer to burnt-out groupie: Don't think of it as a finger, think of it as an Asian penis.
–11th & 3rd
Tourist on cell: I think I'm heading towards Little Italy, but all I see are Chinese people. I feel like fuckin' Marco Polo. Fuck man, where are you? (trips on curb and falls into pile of trash bags)
–Canal St
Giggling 20-something: So we hired a new intern, and she's Asian!
–Murray Hill
Overheard by: sab
Little old lady to little old hubby: Fuck you, Dick, I am not crossing against the light! I can’t do it. Fuck you!
–Houston & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Almost peed on myself from laughing
Little tourist to mom: We are jaywalking, yay!
–Outside Sak’s
Overheard by: also jaywalking
Guy on cell: … So it’s fucked up, nights in the city. Everyone jaywalks, and they all wear black… Shit, good point! Blacks! … Yeah, you get a black guy wearing black, jaywalking — that’s a perfect storm of trouble! … I dunno, but I bet it has something to do with why insurance is so high…
–Broadway & Bleecker
Two guys cross street on ‘Don’t walk’ signal as car is coming.
Traffic cop: Hit ’em! Hit ’em!
–35th & 5th
Overheard by: mike
Loud grandma tourist blocking crosswalk: What’s the matter with these people?! Why are they crossing the street? Can’t they see the ‘No crossing’ sign? Where do they think they’re going?
–Times Square
Tourist woman to crowd of pedestrians: No, don’t cross! Here comes the big red hand!
–51st & 5th
Overheard by: Micaela
Female coworker to another: You look so cute! I didn’t recognize you!
–Hudson & Vandam
Buff man carrying small, pink, frilly umbrella: I better not hear anyone call me cute.
–Canal & Mulberry
Overheard by: Courtney Messer
Chick on cell: Mom, cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 25-year-old guy fluent in sarcasm. Stop trying to set me up with him.
–Hudson St
Woman looking at Salvador Dali painting: That is so cute!
–Guggenheim Museum
Overheard by: Does she kill puppies for fun?
65-year-old lady, in bikini top and Daisy Duke shorts, with belly hanging over: Of course I am bisexual…can't you see the view?"
–49th St & 7th Ave
Overheard by: NATE MATHIS
Girl to guy: You can't be bisexual and married, John. That's, like, illegal!
–50th b/w 8th & 9th
Australian chic at bar: It's weird though, he reminds me so much of my ex-girlfriend.
–Mexican Restaruant, Lower East Side
Loud girl on cell: No, I did him, it was so good. (pause) Yeah, I fucked her too, she loved it.
–Hillside & Edgerton
Drunk lesbian: Why can't you be a girl or at least have a really big dick?
–Bowery Ballroom
Sassy lady: Honey, she so lazy… She too lazy to fart, she so lazy!
–Celebrity Jeopardy taping, Radio City Music Hall
Overheard by: Lady Sean Connery Wannabe
Man holding ‘Hungry Jew’ sign: Hey, ladies, need a boy-toy? I just farted.
–Lincoln Center
Ghetto Asian teen: Nigga, my farts smell like daisies.
–68th & 1st
Class act: Damn! I got gas like a mo-fo, and this cough ain’t helping.
–Escalator, 59th St subway station
Five-year-old girl to father: Ha, ha! I farted on you!
–Mount Sinai Hospital
Overheard by: Steve
Ghetto guy: Yo, I gotta be careful and hurry up and catch this midget before she leave me.
–59th & Lex
Overheard by: Wonkanobi
Short lady: And I told him, ‘I may be an ugly midget, but at least I’m not a Neanderthal.’
–Outside Starbucks, Court & Dean St
Little girl watching midget walk by: Look, Mommy! Mini-Me’s wife!
–91st & Broadway
Man to son: … And that’s because New York was founded by midgets.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Nina Milnes
