Weirdness

What Happens When You Cheat on the Test

Dude #1: Dude, you're gonna love pediatrics!
Dude #2: Dude, I know. Dude! I was at the clinic, and there was this girl, you know, already laid back in the chair. She was waiting for something, I don't know, I don't know what she was waiting for, but she was already back in the chair, and… dude, she was sick hot. Like, she was a local, but she looked like a Dominican Jennifer Lopez.
Dude #1: Dude, you're gonna have so much fun with that!
Dude #2: I know, dude. I'm gonna fuckin lay my talons into that shit. Single moms? There are gonna be a ton of single moms! Third year? Good times, dude!
Dude #1: (chuckles into the stunned silences of dudes #3 and #4)
Dude #2: I'm glad I took ethics, dude. Shit, ethics? I didn't really learn a whole lot from ethics, dude.
Dudes #3 and #4: (amplified stunned silence)

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Overheard by: Lili

We're Not at the Point Where We Can Discuss Money

Big goofy guy in Yankees jacket: I just need some money for rent.
Little girl with half-braided hairstyle: You told me you wanted me to move on. Why don't you ask your girlfriend for money?

–40th St & 8th Ave

…And You Refused to Ask That Guy for Directions.

Asian girlfriend: Do you know where you're going? Are you gonna get me lost again?
Ghetto Asian boyfriend: I know what I'm doing.
Asian girlfriend: That's what you said when we were in bed.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Adriana

This Cannot End Well

10-year old boy: Hey Melissa, I'm wearing a cup.
7-year old girl: Really? Where? Can I feel?
10-year old boy: Over my who-who, yeah you can.
7-year old girl, grabbing cup: Oh, I like that… but why is it so hard?

–Kingsbay Football Field, Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Symbolically Take Back the Power

Black dude to friend: Well, check this out my nigga! Cracking your knuckles does not lead to arthritis… Mythbusters, my nigga!

–Park Slope

Black pimp on cell: That nigger ain't even give you a little nigga baby. All that nigga ever do is just fuck you and leave your ass, bitch. You got a child yoself, take care of your real nigga baby, because that's the nigga who keeps with you. That nigga won't fuck any other sluts. (notices everybody's staring at him) What the fuck y'all niggas lookin at?

–Social Security Office, East Village

Would-be feminist: Pussy don't have no power no more, because if it did, niggas wouldn't be doin' what they do.

–Jefferson Ave & Throop Ave, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Jocasta Spell

Polish woman, walking up to group of ghetto fabs: Yo' wut up, my niggas? (pounds fist with ghetto fab guy)

–Delancy St

Overheard by: Kirkegaard

Crazy black man on phone: When you talk like that I'm gonna call you the N-word! (pause) Don't talk like that! (pause) I want to have sex with you.

–Murray Hill

Wednesday One-Liners for Tara Reid

Girl on cell: I'll adopt it, the state gives you money for retarded kids.

–48th & 6th

Guy to friend, disdainfully: And she's always like, "I work with Down syndrome kids," at… computer camp or some shit.

–4th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Shannon

Girl: I think he is sexually retarded.

–5th Ave & 14th St

Overheard by: Abdul Marcos

Glitzed up Jersey girl to friends: I look so good right now, it's retarded.

–Ladies Room, Penn Station

Older man on cell: My dog has one of those retard vests, he can get into any restaurant in New York.

–W 23rd St & 6th Ave

Bowling for Wednesday One-Liner

Drunk thug, reflecting on his baby-mama's new man: I love motherfuckin' guns, and that's the bottom line, but I don't wanna go to jail.

–Bar, Cortelyou Road

Boy to limping blonde struggling to keep up: Oh my god, if you were a horse I would shoot you.

–NJ Transit

Overheard by: The Game

Father to two small children, pulling them away from the register: C'mon, guys. Let's go before mommy shoots herself.

–Forbidden Planet, 13th & Broadway

Loud black girl: It's Manhattan, I don't have to worry about getting shot.

–NYU

Guy on cell: Hey man, aren't you tired of being shot?

–Queens Center Mall

Wednesday One-Liners Adjust Their Fannypacks and Re-fold Their Maps

Hyper tourist to friend: Wow! A shoe repair shop? Can we go? Please? Come on, don't you have some shoes you want shined?

–74th St & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

Enlightened tourist: Oh! So Broadway's not just one place? It's a series of buildings? Oh, I see!

–46th & Broadway

Tourist woman walking off Brooklyn Bridge: Wow, look at how nice this is! I can't believe we paid only $24 for it!

–Brooklyn Bridge

Overheard by: D-Law

Tourist to another: There are so many yellow cars in New York City.

–42nd & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Lisa

Tourist: Not until high school did I know buses could make turns!

–E Train

Overheard by: Probably had to repeat a few grades

Tourist exiting subway: Did anyone lose a pass? Because I just found one.

–103rd & Broadway

Don't Get Mad. Get Wednesday One-Liner.

Super gay dude to equally gay friend: You can tell she's mad when she starts using adjectives.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: liat

Angry black man to white man standing too close: Fool, whatcha think you're doin? You tryin' to get all up on me? You don't know what I could do. I could bust a cap in yo ass. I'm an angry black man!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Bex

Black man to Asian woman he's trying to hit on: Why won't you talk to me, baby? You still mad about the Korean war?

–145th & Broadway

Older woman on cell: Trixie, you have to stop kicking things when you get mad!

–40th & Broadway

Overheard by: Sean

Trampy Spanish girl to cranky Spanish guy: Why are you mad? It was just a blowjob, and he's your brother!

–West Village

Overheard by: Stifled A. Guffaw

…Which Isn't Degrading If She Likes It.

Girl: She doesn't have sex.
Gay guy: Ugh. Why not? She looks like a dirty whore.
Girl: I don't know…
Gay guy: Like the kind of whore you'd spit on after cumming on her face.

–Bryant Park

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