Old, grumpy man: Where is the express line?
Woman: Right here.
[Old, grumpy man attempts to cut the line.]Woman: I don’t know if you can see it, but the back of the line is all the way over there!
Old, grumpy man: But I’m a Christian!
–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle
Overheard by: David Sanchez
College girl: Woah, dude! How do you even live?!
College guy: I mean, I dunno. I just like pee outta my mouth.
–4th & Mercer
Girl: So, how many people do you share an apartment with right now?
Guy: Seventeen.
Girl: That’s cool!
–Lower East Side
Hipster: It just sucks having to change the sheets every day.
–54th & Broadway
Overheard by: J-Dawg
Man coming out of bathroom: Rhetorical question: do you wash your hands before or after pissing?
–Columbia Bathroom
Old man on cell: You tell her I don’t want her using that same toilet brush. I want her to use a new one for my place.
–34 Ave, Astoria
Overheard by: truly confused
Tranny to another: And I told him if he wanted to shove that shit up my pussy, he better wash it real good first!
–2nd St b/w 1st & 2nd Aves
Guy on cell: It still stinks? Did you try washing it? Oh. How about using a nail brush? You did? Well, how much skin did you lose?
–C Train
Overheard by: Davis Baker
Angry thug on cell: I ain’t washin’ shit!
–Broadway & Great Jones
Overheard by: Jon A.
Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch!
–Union Square Dog Park
Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me?
–W 225th St
Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park.
–75th & Madison
Overheard by: tb
Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation.
–W 66th St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward!
–19th St
Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead
Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work.
–29th b/w 7th & 8th
Suit: Do you know what it’s like when you’re reading the news and you get 19 clips of Brazilian women fucking?
–Astor Place & Lafayette
Overheard by: that’s a problem?
Woman to dinner companion: I think I’d like to get into flagellation porn. I’m not really sure how to go about it though.
–Ludlow & Broome
Random girl, during lull in party conversation: But it’s straight porn!
–Bleecker & W 10th
Overheard by: Deontology
Guy: I wouldn’t fuck her if she was the last person on earth! There had better be porn on cable!
–5 Train
Professor: Does anyone know Henry Miller? [Girl raises her hand.] You and those of us… those of us who had to resort to the Sears Roebuck catalog for porn… Well, when we got older we had to turn to higher literature so we’d flip through Henry Miller for delightful dirty passages.
–Religion Class, Hunter College
Overheard by: liza
Five-year-old girl in the men’s bathroom: Hey everybody! Look! I have fat poopies!
–New Dance Group, West 38th St
Random chick: She’s gonna be all over me for shitting today.
–Outside Butler Library, Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Girl: I so should have taken a dump in that toilet!
–14th & 4th
High school boy: I literally walked in the bathroom and saw like, someone took a dump on the floor; and it was more than one person! And I was just like, wow, is this a new trend or something?
–Fresh Meadows, Queens
Overheard by: Caro-kun
18-year-old CPR/AED instructor on using a defibrillator: …if you’re touching the person when you administer the shock, it won’t kill you, but you might poo a little.
–50th & Broadway
Overheard by: Fred Daubert
Chick: Welp, I am ready to have diarrhea now!
–2nd Ave & 11th
Woman to another woman: It’s really the same thing. Like six and a half of another dozen.
–Times Square Subway Station
Overheard by: Billy
Black woman: He gets four weeks paid vacation! Four weeks! That’s like two months!
–34th & Broadway
Auntie someone: Yeah, my brother has like 18 kids and I ain’t even met like a hundred of ’em!
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ilysse Weisenfeld
Crazy man: I just decided to become a decimal point.
–3 Train
Overheard by: Cool, cuz im a period.
Delivery truck guy, counting boxes: 18 plus 20 equals 30, plus 22 is 42.
–Midwood, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Feliz Navidad
Girl on cell: Yeah, no. Five times eight is forty… I think… Well, hopefully, anyway.
–Waverly & Broadway
Overheard by: Kyla
Jewish girl: I think my family likes me because I will fulfill my potential to be a pompous ass.
–NYU Bobst Library
Thirty-something Hispanic woman: All my nephews are boys… All of them.
–Uptown 1 Train
Overheard by: Suze V
Girl on cell: Well then maybe you shouldn’t have fucked my sister!
–70 & Broadway
Girl on cell: …The half-Asian, half-Jewish guy. And she’s like: "My brother is so pissed at me!" and I’m like: "Of course he’s pissed, you’ve gotten with six of his friends."
–St. John’s University
Overheard by: Peter G
Guy: I’ve seen my sister-in law’s titties so many times…
–Yankee Stadium
Girl on cell: So the little girl at the wedding was like: "Are you guys brothers?" And I was like: "No, we fuck".
–24th St b/w 6th & 7th
Overheard by: Amy
Young man in small crowd: Honestly, the vaginas I’ve seen in real life are nowhere near as bad as the vaginas I’ve seen in med school.
–86th & Columbus
Overheard by: Stacey
Girl: I feel like the male anatomy is so much more straightforward. The vag is hard to master.
–Fordham University
20-something girl: If he’s gonna be such a whiny vagina about you being safe about your vagina, then you shouldn’t be sleeping with him anyways.
–NYU Dorm
Teenage boy, eating a sandwich: He said no mayonnaise. It tastes like a big vagina.
–63rd Drive & Queens Boulevard
Hobo: And then the woman just sucked it all into her vagina.
–44th & 7th
Overheard by: The One
Frantic Asian guy, running across the street in front of Worldwide Plaza: Yeah… Yeah… But whose vagina?"
–9th Ave & 50th St
Overheard by: tinyfoo
