The Village Bicycle’s Wednesday One-Liners

Girl on cell: So I asked my doorman if I brought anyone home with me last night and he said he didn’t know! I told him it’s his job to know!

–Outside 145th subway station

Hipster girl: Santa is a man whore!

–45th & 8th

College girl: And then we’re having what I thought was a nice one night stand, and then, he’s all like "what are you doing?"

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: silvver

Indian girl: I need to up my sex number. I either wanna sleep with a professor or a celebrity. (long pause) Wait! Professors are like celebrities!

–72nd and Amsterdam

Overheard by: Vincent

Teen girl to friend: … And then my mom said to me "don’t be a ho."

–Union Square

Overheard by: Lotte

Girl: She is such a fuckin’ slut. (Pause, then indignantly) How you gonna sleep with someone for four dollars?

–Bergen and Smith

Posted on October 8, 2015
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Default, Education, Girls, Hipsters, Holidays, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Native Americans, Offers and requests, On Cell, One Night Stand, Parents, Promiscuity, Prostitution, Questions, Sorority Girls, Street, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Washington Square Park, Wishes & desires

That You’re Only Seven Doesn’t Help

Girl: So I’m saying… Would you murder my pussy?
Guy: Hell nah.
Girl: Why not?
Guy, laughing: I’ll end up in jail, ma.
Girl: What?
Guy: You can’t handle me, trust. My dick is deadly. It will kill you and your pussy.

–Brooklyn

Posted on October 4, 2015
Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Default, Girls, Guys, Murder, Offers and requests, Prison, Questions, Vagina, Wishes & desires

Jurassic Wednesday One-Liners

College guy: These are the best dinosaurs I've eaten all day!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center Campus

Ecstatic five-year-old girl: The dinosaurs! I can't wait to see the dinosaurs!

–Metropolitan Museum of Art

Overheard by: Miss Guided

Hippie girl: Yeah, I don't know about the eyeballs, but the dinosaurs are great!

–39th St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Natalie

Girl on stoop: Yo, man, I wish our dinosaurs could talk.

–St. Mark's & 3rd

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl on cell: Because–you know what? Because I don't etch on my DVDs with pterodactyls!

–Court Street, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: Danielle

Guy rooting through trash: If you were a dinosaur I'd be a dinosaur right beside you.

–W 80th & Amsterdam

Posted on October 1, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Food, Fordham, Girls, Guys, Hippies, Kids, Movies, On Cell, One-liners, Questions, Students, The Met, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Getting Wednesdayed Is Easy; Staying One-Linered Is Hard

Man to woman: Well, I've already been in two successful marriages…

–Hudson River Park

Talkative husband to blase wife: We've been married for over a year, who would not like us?

–F Train

Overheard by: Elise

Girl: So, when you say "married," is that like "married-and-just-not-divorced-yet," or like "married-married-and-actually-living-together"?

–6 Train

Woman on cell: Well, it's a good thing you didn't marry Susan's brother, because he ended up losing a testicle.

–DUMBO, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Megan

Woman on cell: Sorry, but if I wanted to be heavily sedated and drunk all day, I'd marry you.

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Josh

Guy with eye patch: If a girl eats out your ass on the first date, you marry her!

–77th & 34th

Posted on September 30, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Balls, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Couples, Dating, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Guys, Kink, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, On the Subway, Parks, Questions, Straight Trippin', Street, Stupidity, Time, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Words

Wednesday One-Liners Would Like to Thank the Academy

Sassy eight-year-old to mother: You don't know Spanish except what you learned from Selena.

–2 Train

Chick on cell: Watching 27 Dresses in a cheetah robe…

–110th & Broadway

Overheard by: Virginia

Little boy, as his mother asks for directions: Great, we're lost in New York City. It's like Home Alone!

–Across from Spamalot Theatre

Fag to hag: Don't you remember that time on Titanic when Leonardo DiCaprio told you not to just talk about it, but do it? He was gonna teach you how to spit like a man and ride a horse like a man, and then the ship sank and he died. This is your moment. Spit, woman, spit!

–Natural History Museum

(at a screening of The Shining)
Woman: Haha! How can a ghost open a door? This movie sucks!

–Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park

Thug to another: And she said she wanna go to the movies. And I said I don't wanna go to the movies, I want some pussy!

–57th & 9th

Overheard by: JPM

Panhandler on train: Please, I can't afford the rent at the YMCA because they just raised it. So if anyone has some money or some food or something to drink, it would really help me out. Jesus loves people who help poor people. Also, don't forget to see the new summer blockbuster Hellboy II. It's really great.

–F Train

Overheard by: JB

Posted on September 28, 2015
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Brooklyn, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Death, Gender issues, Girls, Homeless, Jews, Kids, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Movies, Museum of Natural History, On Cell, On the Subway, Panhandling, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Thugs, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wishes & desires, Women

Good Thing He Had Those Ruby Slippers

Asian guy #1: Ok, here’s the train.
Asian guy #2: Dude! No way! That’s the Q!
Asian guy #1: What?
Asian guy #2: Dude! You couldn’t pay me to take the Q! Last time I took the Q, I got on around Canal Street and next thing I knew, I was in. . like. . . Brooklyn!

–Herald Square station

Posted on September 28, 2015
Asians, Brooklyn, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Travel

No, Seriously– I’m Doing the Column Now.

Loud girl #1: So, are you going to tell Eric*?
Loud girl #2: It was a dance.
Loud girl #1: And a kiss.
Jamaican man, who has overheard: Oh. Oh, that’s cold. You ain’t gonna tell him?
Loud girl #2: I didn’t kiss him, he kissed me.
Jamaican man: This gon’ get ugly, you hear me?
Loud girl #2: Fine! I’ll tell him! Then you’ll see ugly.
Jamaican man: Jus’ call me Dear Abby.

–Elevator, Brooklyn

Posted on September 24, 2015
Brooklyn, Dancing, Default, Elevators, Foreigners, Girls, Infidelity, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Men, Nicknames & name calling, Questions

I Think I've Seen This Lifetime Movie…

Girl: I can't believe she stayed in that so long.
Guy: Well, she just didn't realize she was dating a crazy person. Well… until he stabbed himself.

–Plaza St & Vanderbilt Ave

Overheard by: Ruffy

Posted on September 17, 2015
Brooklyn, Crazy, Dating, Girls, Guys, Stab, Weirdness

His Tongue Is All Purple, Though

Woman #1: So, what you think about Duane?
Woman #2: Girl, he all up in my Kool-Aid and he don’t even know the flavah!

–Deli, Brooklyn

Overheard by: cloisterpunk

Posted on September 14, 2015
Brooklyn, Ladies Who Lunch, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes

Not as Much as All Those Abortions

Old lady #1: Your grandson has not been with a girl in a while. He might be gay.
Old lady #2: Hey, he’s not gay, don’t be crazy. Your grandson needs to stop sleeping with every girl; he might get them pregnant.
Old lady #1: Hey, how much is this kielbasa?

Translated from the Russian.

–Grocery store, Bensonhurst

Overheard by: Steve

Posted on September 13, 2015
Abortion, Brooklyn, Foreigners, Old People, Shopping