College

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

I Think “Nebbish” May Be the Word You're Looking for

Girl to friend, discussing a boy: So how nerdy is he? I mean, there's a nice nerdy, a cute nerdy…
Friend: You know that Jewish nerdy?

–College of Staten Island

Overheard by: Nameless

The New York Marginalized

Columbia University student #1: The most marginalized group on campus are the college Republicans
Columbia University student #2: No, it’s the Christians

— Private get-together of Columbia students, East Village

“Whoop, there it goes. Goddamn broccoli!”

A woman is throwing up on the street. Another woman comes to her aid.

Florence Nightingale: Are you OK?
Pukerella: No, that’s OK. I just got somethin’ stuck in my throat.

–Teachers College, Morningside Heights

Overheard by: Derek Bacharach

But You Married Him!

Girl #1: You don't like him.
Girl #2: You don't even like him–and you date him!

–New York Law School

The Teachings Of Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: I have nothing against horse rapists, generally speaking.

–New School University

Overheard by: Evan Gilmer

Psychology professor: Chocolate may make you feel good, but cocaine will make you feel a lot better!

–Barnard College

Elderly history professor: I'm not sure of the consequences of what I'm saying, but I'm sure it's terribly important.

–Pratt Institute

Serious professor, on Freud: What's the matter, Anne, are you thinking about penis envy?

–Classroom, Hunter College

Overheard by: Rara

Bearded professor: He drew an eye on the bird and asked me "do you know what this means?" (short pause) "I swallow." What do you say to that?

–94th St & Broadway

Overheard by: DI

Elderly professor: You two ladies in the back want to cut the bullshit and listen to my brilliance?

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Bruce Lee

The Alien Autopsy Of Wednesday One-Liners

Seven-year old boy to bookseller: Do you have any books on crop circles in this library?

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Amused bookseller a few feet away

Man to another: Don't you know? All those tunnels in Afghanistan run into the pyramids in Gaza! If I was President there would be one less pyramid.

–Soup Kitchen, Midtown

Overheard by: John Gordon

Gentleman on train: You know why they invented daylight savings, don't you? It's because of Halloween, a lot of congressmen wanted kids to have an extra hour to go trick or treating. That's why we have daylight savings.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Annie

Elderly professor: Fewer chairs, less chalk every week. It's a conspiracy!

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali

The Critics Are Raving About Wednesday One-Liners!

30-something man to girlfriend: I liked it. I mean, it really made me think: if twenty years from now I went in a hot tub and was transported back to today, what would I tell myself to do with my life?

–23rd St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: drose

Dad to teenage children: I wouldn't see Twilight if my life depended on it. If I had to choose, I would choose to die.

–Times Square

Acting professor: Did you see how Brando picked up her glove? He wanted her to stay. Do you ever do that? Take someone's things just so you know they'll come back? (dead silence) Guess you kids just aren't devious like me…

–Tisch School of the Arts

Older man to ticket salesman: Are Precious and The Rocky Horror Picture Show a double feature?

–Clearview Cinema, Chelsea

Wednesday One-Liners Mostly Just Stand Around

Security guard: Oh, man, thank god for anti-depressants and alcohol! Nothing like Jack Daniels to get you through the day.

–The Met

Building security guard to mailman: Don't you think tv saved the world? Say you've got 10, 12, 14, 16 kids . . .

–William & Beekman

NYU security guard to long line of kids: A'ight kids, e-z passes out. Put your IDs in the air and wave them like you just don't care!

–College of Arts and Science, Washington Square Park

Security man: No photos in Tim Burton! No pictures, no photos! Tell a friend, tell a neighbor, tell someone you don't like!

–Tim Burton Exhibit, MoMA

Security guard: Have a nice day… Now get the hell out of here.

–JFK Airport

Isn't That a Wacky Buddy Movie?

Hipster #1: So they hooked up on the cruise. And he's like, eighteen. But she's meeting him anyway. Even though we told her not to.
Hipster #2: Um, yeah. Why is she even going? Like, fuck and chuck, man.

–Outside Fashion Institute of Technology

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