Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Carry a Tune in a Bucket

Bum walking dog, singing: Tired of looking for love in all the wrong places, ejaculating on all the wrong faces…

–72nd St & Columbus

Overheard by: Asset

Drugged-up guy singing a song to girls on subway platform, to the tune of "Earth Angel": Earth angel, earth angel, would you be mine? Earth angel, earth angel, would someone loan me money so I can bribe her to take me hoooome…

–Union Square Platform

Overheard by: Thankfully not an earth angel

Cop #1, singing to cop #2: Look at me, I’m Sandra Dee..!

–6th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Jatmos

Blind panhandler, singing: Can’t take my eyes off of you…

–R Train

Young hobo, singing: Gimme some money, bitch, I need a fuckin’ pen, so I can write a sign…

–St Mark’s Place

Greyhound bus driver: We’re pulling up to Port Authority now. [Sings] My Greyhound brings all the boys to the yard, and they’re like, it’s better than yours, damn right, it’s better than yours, I can teach you, but I have to charge. La la la la la- New York City! La la la la la -almost there.

–Geyhound, Port Authority

Overheard by: carly, gina, and jenna

Posted on April 30, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Books & Writing, Bus Drivers, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Cops, Coworkers, Cum, Druggies, Gripes, Guys, Handicaps, Hobos, Homeless, Money & Class, Music, Names, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pick-up Lines, Port Authority, Public Transportation, Retards & Handicaps, Singing, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Why Did the Wednesday One-Liners Cross the Road?

Running jaywalker: The worst car to get hit by is a Mini Cooper!

–University & 10th St

Overheard by: Knows trucks that beg to differ

Old man crossing the street, on cell: I’m crossing the fucking street!

–42nd & Broadway

Guy wearing yarmulke, to friend: Hey, watch out! Just because you’re Jewish doesn’t mean cars won’t run you over.

–Columbus Circle

Tourist suit to other suit: New Yorkers are so rude. Just wait till you see how they all cross the street at red lights!

–Metro North Train to Grand Central

Overheard by: Courtney Messer

Cop on loudspeaker, to Asian bimbo tourist trying to walk down the middle of Canal St: Sidewalks are open to the public. Please use them.

–Canal Street

Overheard by: F Tourists

[Two cops are waiting at the light. A woman jaywalks and almost gets hit by a car.]
Male cop: Phew! That would have been a lot of paper work.

–44th & Broadway

Overheard by: Aimee

Posted on April 30, 2008
Accidents, Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Coworkers, Etiquette, Friends, Gripes, Jews, Jobs & Careers, Judaism, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, Only in New York, Suits, The Village, Tourists, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

You Know Smiling Is Illegal in This Zip Code

Starbucks employee #1: I just got so aroused when I made that caramel coffee today.
Starbucks employee #2: Oh god… You didn’t do what you did last time, did you?!?

–Broadway & Reade

Posted on April 28, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Coffee, Coworkers, Default, Erections, Jobs & Careers, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness

Her Penis Was Unexpected

Muscular bouncer, to drunk girl: I’ll make sure you get in, because you’ve got that cute little lip ring.
Drunk girl: Want to see what else I’ve got?
Fat bouncer: I do!

–310 Bowery

Overheard by: Vasu

Posted on April 25, 2008
Beauty, Bouncers, Compliments, Coworkers, Default, Drunks, Fat People, Girls, Offers and requests, Pick-up Lines, Sexuality, Union Square and East Village

Nice to See That Cultural Reference Alive and Kickin’

MTA employee #1: You know, it’s thought that the first vampire was actually Lilith…
MTA employee #2: You mean Frasier’s wife?

–7 Train

Overheard by: The only other person who got it.

Posted on April 24, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Coworkers, Default, On the Subway, Questions, Stupidity, TV

Another Fucking Book-Reader

Professor #1: Some fucking student requested we read the book in the class.
Professor #2: That’s mad twisted, yo.

–Barnes & Noble, Court and Schermerhorn, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on April 20, 2008
Brooklyn, Coworkers, Education, Offers and requests, Store, Teachers/Professors, Weirdness

They Were a Little Down Around the Holidays, But Isn’t Everyone?

Conductor #1 on intercom: My pants are down. Are your pants down?
Conductor #2: No, my pants are good.

–Metro North

Overheard by: jessie

Posted on April 17, 2008
Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Coworkers, Etiquette, Nudity, Questions, Trains Not Subway, Weirdness

You Are the Play-Doh Fun Factory of Vomit

Hardhat #1, feigning retching: Bleaahhhhhh!
Hardhat #2, laughing: Yeah, but truth be told, ain’t no one throw up as smooth as I do. Do you know anyone smoother?
Hardhat #1: You right, you do throw up smooth.

–Construction Site, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: Barry

Posted on April 4, 2008
Always Bringing it Back to You!, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Construction Guys, Coworkers, Default, Street, Upper East Side, Vomit, Weirdness

So Much Classier to Just Hide in the Bushes

Suit #1: Dude, he’s SO strange. You know I walked passed his desk yesterday and he was researching stuff on his computer about religion. Some multicultural shit or something.
Suit #2: Woah.
Suit #1: Yeah, I know. [Pauses.] You know I bet he’s like one of those guys that dates a girl and calls her all the time and stalks her.
Suit #2: Totally.

–Starbucks, 30th and Park

Overheard by: Faetra

Posted on April 3, 2008
Coworkers, Default, Friends, Gossip, Harassment, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Office politics, Psychology, Religion, Starbucks, Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Are Gonna Buy You a Mocking Bird

Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.

–WaMu Bank, Staten Island

Overheard by: staten’s most hated

Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.

–Westway Diner

Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!

–Union Square

Overheard by: confabulation Nation

Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.

–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave

Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.

–11th & 1st

Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: SBS

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bank, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Couples, Coworkers, Default, Family Ties, Girls, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Murder, Museum of Natural History, Office, On Cell, Philosophy, Punch, Punks, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Staten Island, Store, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness

Coworkers