Education

Wednesday One-Liners Suck at Scrabble

Blonde: You know what I just learned? G-E-O-R-G isn’t pronounced ‘George’ — it’s pronounced ‘gay-something.’

–49th & Broadway

Overheard by: It’s too cold for stupidity

Fag hag to queer pal: It’s like, we’re like… cotillion-izing!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: jaded library dweller

Ghetto chick: Yo, he is datin’ Sheryl now. I told him, ‘Tell me when you kiss her.’ He was all, ‘Why?’ so I said, ‘So I know not to kiss her!’ I’m bilingual, yo.

–L train, 3rd Ave stop

Overheard by: katiebeans

Loud woman: That is ‘conniving’ with a capital ‘K’!

–St. Mark’s & 2nd Ave

Angry wife to husband: You are so patronistic. I seriously can’t stand how fucking patronistic you are.

–56th & 5th

15-year-old girl to group of friends: I be takin’ AP English this year, yo. I the only one in that motherfucker that don’t be lookin’ like they be deliverin’ yo’ egg rolls when they ain’ts in school an’ shit.

–210th St & Bainbridge Ave

Overheard by: gutterlush

Angry woman to friend: I have a contention with the way people pronounce my daughter’s name. I did not name my daughter ‘Lady Nasty’! I named my baby girl ‘La Dynasty.’

–JFK

Overheard by: The REAL Lady Nasty

Wednesday One-Liners Stray from the Syllabus

Professor: Old people will sign anything.

–Brooklyn College

Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.

–Pratt Institute

Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that… Bostonites… Bostoners… Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world… Here are some birds… And people. Here’s someone… Here’s someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings… Some people don’t.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: no axings!

Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.

–NYU Cantor Film Center

Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students’ awkward snickers

Sociology professor: I’ll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad… Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

The Creationists Are Going to Love This One

Ghetto girl: Hey, look! What’s that? I think it’s an egg!
Friend: What the hell?! What’s wrong with you? Monkeys don’t lay eggs!
Ghetto girl: … Well, how was I supposed to know that?!

–Bronx Zoo, Jungle World

Overheard by: cracking up behind them

Haha! You Said “Wednesday One-Liners”!

Professor: So, the probability you’re dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.

–Statistics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Chuckles

Blonde hairstylist to male customer: Men are easy. I could do 15 men a day.

–Upscale hair salon

NYU professor about expertise involved in determining chicken gender: When was the last time you turned over a chick?

–NYU

Biology professor: Homo erectus? Homosapiens? I don’t know… So many homos.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Catherine

Prim older lady: You guys could eat out. Also, you could go out for dinner… Yes, I’m twelve.

–Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula and Winifred

Wednesday Just Can’t Commit to a One-Liner

Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don’t plan it, it just works out that way.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Limey

Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, ‘I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.’ That was much easier…

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.

–Times Square

Overheard by: christine

Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!

–Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA

Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a mini-series.

–12th, between 6th & 5th

Overheard by: Karen

Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine’s Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he’s history! But then I didn’t even get that!

–NYU Silver Center

The Wednesday One-Liner Says, “Move on Back”

Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!

–B41 bus

Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.

–Q27 Bayside bus

Overheard by: Caro-kun

Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.

–M79 bus

Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Stephen B.

Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!

–Atlantic Ave

Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.

–B1 bus, Kingsborough College

Overheard by: Robert

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Dirty Job, but Somebody’s Gotta Do Them

Conductor: Attention, everyone, we are not interviewing for train conductors! Stop trying to control the doors — that’s my job. We are, however, seeking passengers. Please enter the train and sit down to be interviewed for that position.

–1 train, 125th St

Overheard by: Jeff McCrum

Clearly intoxicated girl: I decided to go from working to doing a lot of drugs…

–42nd & 8th

Overheard by: ADA

20-something: You know, I’m just lucky I have a job at all! I mean, I did go to state school!

–Morton & Hudson

Overheard by: Sam

Emo teen, running taking pictures: See, this is why I got fired from American Apparel — because I would come into work acting like this!

–Vanessa’s Dumplings, E 14th & 3rd

Overheard by: Maggie Elisabeth

Lady on a Bluetooth: Girl, you’ve got CEO dreams with a McDonald’s work ethic.

–W 60th St, between Columbus & Broadway

Loud man to loud friends: It was just him running around getting punched in his codpiece and yelling, ‘You killed my father.’ Yeah, I think he has a new job now.

–109th & Amsterdam

Do Not Insert Any Part of the Chair into Any Part of You

Professor #1, reading from card: There is a chair available for your monologues. Do not stand on the chair. Do not throw the chair.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh.]Professor #1: Do not disrobe.
Applicants and parents: [Laugh harder.]Professor #2: You laugh, but they’re on that card for a reason.

–NYU

Overheard by: ZB

The Oblivious Thrill of Anticipating Wearing a Frat Guy’s Semen on Your Leg

Girl #1: I can’t wait ’til we get to college. We’re going to be different people. And, like, we’re going to be the best dressed people on campus. We’re gonna be awesome!
Girl #2: Yeah. No one will dress better than us!
Girl #1: Yeah. So awesome!

–Macy’s dressing room, 34th St

Overheard by: evie24

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

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