Guys

Wednesday One-Liners Are Too Cool for Shul

Hipster guy: I mean, she’s a Jewish. She’s not, like, a bad person, I think.

–44th & 9th

Overheard by: …right.

Dude: He’s that kind of super-serious Jew that doesn’t touch women. I think they call it ‘Hava Nagila.’

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Middle school girl trying to catch snowflakes in her mouth: These snowflakes are so antisemitic! They won’t go in my mouth!

–110th & Amsterdam

Blonde on cell: I just don’t see us working out. All my friends hate you, my mom hates you, and even my dog hates you… My mom hates you because you’re not Jewish… Yes, I’m aware I’m Catholic… Because Jews are financially secure!

–Starbucks, Upper West Side

Frustrated Jewish guy: I mean, look at these people and their Red Sox yarmulkes! What is this world coming to?!

–Judaism Debate, Cooper Union

Shiksa seeing menorah-shaped chocolates: Oooh, combs!

–Party, W 72nd & Broadway

And It Was Completely Self-Contained

Dude on cell: He just ate the whole freaking diaper? So, he just shit it out in little pieces?

–Red Rock Bar, 17th & 10th

Overheard by: Scooby-Don’t

Although If You Attempt to Jump Out That Window, We’re in Business

Girl: Couldn’t you just write me a prescription?
Guy: No, I can’t do that yet.

–Ludlow & Stanton

Overheard by: Barry

In Fact, Lie Down for a Second

Chick: I would like to become a boy for a day just so I can pee standing up.
Guy: I am not going to lie to you, it’s awesome!

–Georgia Diner, Queens

Is Our Children Learning?

UES wife: So, what do you do?
20-something guy: I teach high school math.
UES husband: Oh, where at?
UES wife: Stuyvesant?
20-something guy: Um, no. It’s called ‘City-As-School.’
UES wife: Ohhh, is that one of those ‘special’ high schools?
20-something guy: I guess. Well, I mean, they’re all special.

–ICE, 6th & 23rd

Overheard by: office peon

If It Means I Have to Let Go of Your Penis, Then No

Guy #1: This is fun, but it will be a lot better when we’re in bed.
Guy #2: … You’re gay?

–Urinal, Hard Rock Café

Overheard by: Danny

Headline by: ilemanzer

Runners-Up:
· “Can’t a Straight Guy Talk to His Penis?” – Tadzio
· “Does Mom Know?” – Ren
· “If I’d Known That Earlier I’d NEVER Have Let You Suck My Cock” – Lindsey
· “No, but I Did Appreciate That You Swallowed.” – Me
· “You’re a Guy?” – alice

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Manning the Barricades Against Penile Lookism

Guy #1: You know, 82 percent of the world is not cut.
Guy #2: Yeah, I’m not circumcised.
Guy #3: Dude! That’s gross!
Guy #2: No — how so? It’s cool.
Guy #3: Yo, let’s call up some bitch and ask her what’s hotter: a dick with the skin or without it.
Guy #4: You know, the David is not circumcised.
Guy #2: See?! Cut penises are so bare.
Guy #5: How would you know?!
Guy #4: Yeah, but the David’s Jewish… It’s wrong! And how does an uncircumcised penis help you?
Guy #2: It protects dirt from coming in.

–Columbia University

In the End, They Found an Umbrella Category for All Three: Virgin

Guy #1: Okay, so, important question: fantasy or science fiction?
Girl: Both! Oh, totally both!
Guy #2: I’m not even going to lie here. I really like those Magic cards.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: SCS

Action Plan: Get Wife, Trade Wife for Car, Use Car to Pick Up Girls

Guy #1: Look at that car. That’s a nice car.
Guy #2: Yeah, I would trade my wife for that car… if I had a wife…

–50th & 6th

Would You Like to Hear the Litany of All My Self-Inflicted Problems?

Guy in elevator: God, it’s hot! Must be my underwear…
Chick: Underwear, yeah?
Guy in elevator: Yeah, I got plastic underwear… [Chick is silent.] … For easy cleaning.

–28th & 6th

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