On the Subway

Wednesday One-Liners Keep It Rail

Conductor: Ladies in gentlemen, we would be moving, but there's a bitch-ass 5 train ahead hogging all the customers at 59th St.

–4 Express Train

Overheard by: Lexington

Conductor: Once again, there are no 2 or 3 trains from this station, so if you are looking for anything, don't get off the train, coz it's not gonna be there.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: Donz

Conductor: Okay, raise your hand if you want to leave!

–7 Train

Overheard by: will it help if I put two hands up?

Conductor: Do not get on this train. It is not taking any passengers, not even one. Do not even try, you will get kicked off.

–Fordham Rd, Bronx

Overheard by: The next train isn't for an hour and I'm already late.

Conductor: Attention, passengers… You cannot use chemical solvents on the train.

–NJ Transit

Conductor: The next stop will be Bryant Park, #2nd Street. What a gorgeous day! Why not take advantage of one of New York City's many fine outdoor eateries. Have you heard the one about the monk and the hot dog vendor? Hot dog vendor: "What's it going to be, buddy?" Monk: "Make me one with everything"! This is Bryant Park, 42nd Street. Have an enlightened day!

–F Train

The Bic Commercial That Was Too Edgy, Even for Europe

Baby-voiced bag lady to pretty girl across from her: Excuse me, miss, do you have a pen?
Girl: No. I'm sorry, I don't.
Baby-voiced bag lady : A pen! A pen!
(pretty girl shakes head)
Baby-voiced bag lady : A pencil?
Girl: I'm sorry, no.
(baby-voiced bag lady pulls Bic pen crack pipe out of bag and lights it. Train car quickly empties)

–C Train

Overheard by: sarette

One-Eyed, One-Horned Flying Wednesday One-Linereaters

Guy: …and then I'd be a cyborg.

–Soho

Overheard by: Nicole Q

Man on cell: But wouldn't that make you a vampire?

–45th St

Crazy guy, returning after briefly exiting car: I tried to make it to the end of the train, but I was blocked by a teenage werewolf. I have encountered them before, but never outside Brooklyn.

–6 Train

Overheard by: Canucking Futs

Guy on phone: In your next life, you're gonna come back as a vampire.

–Williamsburg

Dude, marveling to another on train: Damn, son, you look like Godzilla with a fade.

–Q Train

Hipster waiter: The fucking gnome took my remote control. The one thing in the world that I love. I told him, "you can take anything except the remote control." And sure enough, he took the fucking remote control.

–Restaurant, Williamsburg

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Only in the Bedroom, Sweetie

Young girl: Mommy, are you a lady?
Mother: Sometimes.

–1 Train

Marie Antoinette Doesn't Often Get Out Of Versailles

20-something girl: I'm an anti-feminist. It's not that women shouldn't be allowed to work, it's just that they shouldn't be expected to work.
20-something boy: Everyone works. Animals work. Do you have any idea how many eggs a chicken lays every day? Or how much milk comes out from a cow? That's why vegans don't like dairy products, because the cows are overworked.
20-something girl: I don't like dairy products because of this reason: human milk is for baby humans, and cow's milk is for baby cows. I don't really care how many eggs a chicken lays, though.

–Uptown A Train

The Brontë Sisters Always Have Fun in New York

Drunk blonde woman #1, rapping: I'm right up in your grill!
Drunk blonde woman #2: It's a motherfuckin' thrill!
Drunk blonde woman #1: We wanna eat your flesh!
Drunk blonde woman #2: Our rhymes are really fresh!
Drunk blonde woman #1: We get into your shopping bag! We get into your purse! (pause) I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about!
Drunk blonde woman #2: It might just be a curse!

–7 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

One Doesn't Expect Metaphor on the Subway

Guido #1: Yo, your team hasn't won a playoff in ten years. Maybe not this year, but the Jets are going all the way to the Super Bowl.
Guido #2: Yeah, and if my aunt had balls she'd be my uncle. (pause) If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle.

–1 Train

Overheard by: DZB

I Just Hope It's Not a Musical

Midwestern tourist lady #1: So last night we saw this great show, Fela!, about this musician. It was so moving, and I learned so much about that political situation…
Midwestern tourist lady #2: Which political situation?
Midwestern tourist lady #1: Well, you know, the political situation in Nigeria… And how Fela, like, helped to change it.
Midwestern tourist lady #2: But what was the situation?
Midwestern tourist lady #1: Just like, the political situation in Nigeria.
Midwestern tourist lady #2: I see. Well, I'll try to get tickets!

–F Train

…And You'd Better Use Some SAT Adjectives.

Hot girl: Hmmm, that's a synecdochical headline.
Hot boyfriend: What does “synecdochical” mean?
Hot girl: Well, synecdoche is a figure of speech where a part of something is used to stand for the whole of it, or where the whole of something is used to stand for a part of it. So, in that newspaper that guy is reading, when they say, “Detroit uses bailout money,” they really are talking about the automobile industry, not all of Detroit. They're using all of Detroit to refer to a major part of Detroit's economy. Synecdoche. They use this in newspapers all the time, come to think of it.
Hot boyfriend, smiling but clearly no longer following her: Girl, look at that vocabulary! You're so smart.
Hot girl, flatly: Yes, yes, I'm very smart. Now shut up about that and tell me how pretty I am.

–6 Train

Overheard by: someone with different priorities

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