Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months!

–E 9th St & University Place

Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: office peon

Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage!

–Uptown 2 Train

Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments.

–96th & Broadway

Posted on March 17, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Couples, Death, Drunks, Elementary & Middle School, Families, Girls, Men, Names, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, The Village, Time, Trees and plants, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

Posted on March 13, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Bars & Clubs, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, The Village, Weirdness

Wednesday One-liners for Chosen People

Girl: And it’s so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on March 10, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia University, Girls, Global Geography, Hitler/Nazis, Idiots, Judaism, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners Are Working on a Perfume Line

Flustered suit pacing along street: Just letting you know I got a FedEx from Bruce Willis, I guess he finally decided to pay his bills.

–84th St

Overheard by: mikaela

Man to dinner companion: So did you know Mia Farrow is doing a hunger strike? Because of what's happening in Darfur? I hope she dies.

–Red Bamboo, West Village

Transvestite: Damn, that girl looks like Brooke Shields. Damn, that white girl in the blue shoes looks like Brooke Shields.

–4 Train

Man giving out Metro newspaper: Metro! Metro! Whoooeee, baby, you looking like Jennifer Lopez! Metro!

–7 Train

Suit on cell: If he does it again I am going to get all Chuck Woolery on his ass!

–Gold St

Posted on March 9, 2016
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Men, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Politics, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Shoes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Threats, Trannies, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-liners Teach Your Children Well

Pregnant woman to 3-year-old son: Do you remember what happened last time you licked the subway? That’s right. You threw up.

–4 train

Overheard by: Leora

Parent: My son is only two years old, sittin’ at the bar, talkin’ ’bout “old school.” How you gon’ talk ’bout “old school” when you two years old? I think my brother taught him that.

–Merrill Lynch lobby, Broadway & Park Row

Mom to 4-year-old: Stop crying and take a moment and think about how you feel.

–Broadway & 104th

Posted on March 8, 2016
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Family Ties, Kids, One-liners, Parents, Public Transportation, Stupidity, Vomit, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary, Words

Wednesday One-Megapixeliners

Pushy black woman to employee standing next to portrait studio samples: The next time I come in here, I want to see my daughter's picture up here, because she is beautiful.

–K-Mart, 34th St

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy: There were some pictures taken, involving, like, my penis and Caleb's penis and five other guys.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: Food is overrated, let's just take a picture and leave.

–100th St & Broadway

Hipster punk girl on phone: Hello? (pause) No, but I know a girl if you're looking. She also puts jelly on her toes. (pause) Who? I once sold a semi-nude photo of myself at an art show once. I think Brendan has a copy of it… no one would ever pay to see my feet. But again, I ask, who were you talking to? (pause) Dave was under the impression that I sold pictures of my extremities for money? That's awesome! I'm going to send him a picture of my elbow!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ayenbird

Guy: The more bodies, the more pictures. That's what I always say.

–14th St & 7th Ave

Posted on March 7, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Food, For Sale, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Pictures, Punks, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Expecting Some Wednesday One-liners?

Teen girl: Girl, you look cute pregnant! You should stay pregnant!

–2 train

Overheard by: n69n

Posted on March 3, 2016
Compliments, On the Subway, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Stupidity, Teens

Wednesday One-Liners and Tigers and Bears–Oh, My!

Young woman to another: But do you know how big a horse dick is?

–5th Ave & Carroll, Park Slope

Girl: I'm really tired. I'm, like, an animal activist right now.

–Parking Lot, Broadway Mall

Overheard by: Lysa

Student: I'm not that sensitive. I can watch those videos where they like, torture the animal or whatever, and then I'll go eat it.

–Cardozo Law School

Asian girl: Does this make me look like a sad Panda?

–NYU Dining Hall

Columbia girl: I'd never have asked if I knew he was the one who'd killed it. But I didn't suspect him. Who'd spend their time strangling a gerbil?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Who'd have thought?

Guido to friend: Yo, it smells like a skunk burped up a hot dog.

–Penn Station

Lady on speaker: If you have an animal, please do not put it through the X-ray.

–LaGuardia Airport

Posted on February 28, 2016
Advice, Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Asians, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Food, Friends, Girls, Guidos, Height, Junk Food & Fast Food, LaGuardia Airport, Malls, Murder, NYU, One-liners, Park Slope, Penis, Penn Station, Physical appearance, Politics, Questions, Scents of the City, School, Sensory Experiences, Sorority Girls, Students, Stupidity, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesdays Strap on Their One-Liners

Woman walking into apartment building: Why did I get stuck carrying the bag of butt plugs?

–Greenpoint Ave

Hot girl on cell: You won't die if you get stabbed by a dildo. (pause) Well, even if it was a hooker. What did you drink?

–Cook St & Bushwick Ave

Overheard by: cameo

Homie on BlackBerry; No, no, peep this, I said "cock ring" and she says, "like the guy from the OJ trial?" I'm dead serious!

–Rockafeller Plaza

Attractive 20-something to friend: Got hit with a sex toy!

–Pillow Fight, Union Square

Overheard by: Anna P.

Girl to four friends: And then I saw my old wooden dildo. It was wooden!

–37th St & 8th Ave

20-something girl: This is the most exciting thing to happen today! And that's saying something, considering today was a day that included buying sex toys!

–Topshop

Posted on February 27, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Brooklyn, Crime and Punishment, Death, Dildos and Vibrators, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Kink, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Penis, Prostitution, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Shopping, Stab, Store, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesdiverse Multi-Liners

Soulful black man: Well, think about this. A white man lived in Graceland, a black man lived in Neverland. (nods knowingly)

–Downtown A Train

Overheard by: Bearsian

Gallery director to intern: So after he was arrested we sent a letter to Henry Gates asking him for money, you know, since we are a multicultural organization.

–Lower East Side Art Gallery

Latina to Latino: Latinos and black people can't be racist. That's, like, just white people.

–Red Hook, Brooklyn

White hobo: When I see a black nigger together with a white nigger, that just confuses the hell outta me.

–Houston & Clinton

Woman: She likes black dogs because she's black, and I like white dogs because I'm white.

–Upper West Side

Overheard by: Yehuda

Posted on February 19, 2016
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Bosses, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Hobos, Latinos, Lower East Side, Man's Best Friend, Men, Money & Class, Music, On the Subway, One-liners, Race, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, White People, Women