Sex

Wednesday One-Liners Don't Know How to Quit You

Tough guy on cell: Yeah, I was at the gay bah. It was two for ones. Whaddayou gonna do? Two for ones!

–Houston & Avenue A

Homeless man in subway station: Gay sex was invented to avoid child support.

–53rd St Subway Station

Overheard by: Billy

Woman on cell: Let me tell you something about this new generation of guys in New York: All gay.

–W 31st & Broadway

Overheard by: A passing gay man

Woman to husband: Not just a gay, but a heroin sheep gay.

–Broadway & 8th

Overheard by: TR

Cop to drunk: Who cares if you're gay? That doesn't give you the right to climb the fire escape.

–W 20th

Wednesday One-Liner Menthols

Suit to another, on smoking break: Cigarettes are out, cookies are in!

–33rd & Park Ave

Teen boy: I wanna take up smoking just to prove to people how easy it is to quit. Seriously, it's not that hard. Just don't buy a pack.

–74th & Lexington

Bum to another: And so the cops went in and found them… And you know they can't arrest them for smokin' that shit…it's part of their religion!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

Professor: The only reason valuable reason to start smoking is if you were molested as a child or some shit like that.

–Marymount Manhattan College

Girl on phone: So my roommate was bitching at me this morning for walking around in my underwear and I was like, "Dude, you got laid last night, I got yelled at by my booty call's girlfriend. I deserve to smoke cigarettes half naked on my patio."

–Lower East Side

Overheard by: innocent bystander

High school kid: Yo, I would smoke a cigarette dipped in toothpaste!

–Chambers St

Holy Wednesday One-Liners, Batman!

Agitated man: God gave you a penis and a road map to the world! You don't need maps!

–Washington Square & University Place

Tween: God wants me to get drunk tonight!

–3rd & Mercer

Four-year-old child to mother: Mommy! We have to go to church on Sunday. God is going to repent us on Sunday!

–R Train

Overheard by: Marie

Hobo: And then I fucked god!

–Heckscher Playground, Central Park

Overheard by: Shiki

Jewish girl to friend: Oy! My bagel looks like god jerked off on it.

–Guy & Gallards, 34th & Lexington

Overheard by: Awkwardly eating his breakfast

Drunk girl to drunk friend crying on her coat: It's always so hard when you lose your soulmate in the bathroom line, but it's like, god works in mysterious ways, you know.

–W Train

Overheard by: Wes

A NYC Bathroom Is a Multi-Purpose Space

Old white man, with beard and metrosexual outfit: How was that party?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: Shit, there was this really gross dude. He was so gross and so horny!
Old white man: Was he hitting on you?
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: No. He was was hitting on every girl at that house party. He went up to each of my friends. Oh, he's so gross. They were each telling him to get away.
Old white man: He was probably the only straight guy invited to the party, then.
Obnoxiously loud Indian girl: He was so gross, he started talking to my friend. Later I walk in the bathroom, and she is fucking him!

–Union Square

Overheard by: H Ramachandran (rolling my eyes)

Wait– Didn't You Give Your Mom Hoop Earrings for Christmas?

Girl, telling joke: A seven-year-old daughter said to her mother: “Today in school I learned where babies come from.”
Mother: Oh, really?
Daughter: Yea, a mommy and daddy take off all their clothes, the mommy makes the dad happy and his thingy stands up a little. Then the mommy puts the thingy in her mouth and the thingy stands up all the way and explodes, and that's where babies come from.
Mother: No, honey, that's where jewelry comes from.
(laughs)
Guy listening, with horrified face: Wait a second, my mom has a shitload of jewelry. Oh, goddammit, eewwwwwwwwwwwww!
Girl: I'm never going to look at your mom the same way ever again.

–Arthur Avenue

Overheard by: Reza Daneshvar

I Mean, That Would Be Unseemly

Jersey chick: I mean, what do I do? He is like all over me but wont have sex with me. What do I do?
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I think you should just say, “fuck me or you're gay!” I mean, that's what I would do.
Jersey chick: I just don't get it, you know. And seriously, he is the hottest guy I've ever made out with, like hotter than anyone I've ever made out with.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: I mean seriously, just say, “fuck me or you're gay. If you don't fuck me, you are gay.” that's what I would do.
Jersey girl: But he can't be gay, he's too hot.
Girl peeing in bathroom stall: But there are a lot of hot guys who are gay. It's probably because he's so hot.
Jersey girl: I just don't know what to do. He like comes up to me and is dancing with me and telling me to come home with him. But like, I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm from Jersey! I live in Jersey, I can't just stay with him, can I?
Girl comes out from peeing in bathroom stall: I don't know dude.

–Bar, Park Ave & 27th St

Overheard by: Shawn

What, No “Package” Joke?

Man, after quizzing guy wearing shirt that says “Lay a ghost ceremony”: “Lay a ghost ceremony”? I had to ask. I thought it was sexual.
Woman: I'm glad you did, I was wondering too.
Man: It's because I'm a Scorpio. Everything is sexual to me. Even the US Postal Service box is saying something sexual to me. I mean, come on, “All service window?” You can't tell me that doesn't sound sexual.
(woman gets her package and leaves)
Man: Have a good day! Don't forget about the all service window!

–Post Office, 14th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Erin

It Was His Valentine's Gift to Me This Year

Office chick #1: So you liked the movie Waiting, right?
Office chick #2: Yep.
Office chick #1: Remember “the goat”?
Office chick #2: Yeah, junk stuffed between his legs and displayed from behind!
Office chick #1: Yeah, my husband just came up with a new one called “the heart”!
Office chick #2: What's that?
Office chick #1: He grabs his sack, pulls it up over his dick, and spreads the skin out at the top, so it kinda looks like a heart.
Office chick #2: Yeah?
Office chick #1: Then he tenses up his dick a few times so that it looks like the heart is beating.
Office chick #2: Cool.

–McDonald's

Tonight's Movie: The Italian Job

Hot girl: Every time I look in the mirror, I cry a little bit inside.
Hot girl's friend: Why? But you're like so pretty.
Hot girl: For all the ugly people out there who must feel so unsatisfied with themselves and their nonexistent sex lives when they look at me and think, “wow if only I had such assets. If only my butt jiggled like that.”
Hot girl's friend: What is with you and your obsession with anal intercourse? You can have a perfectly balanced sex life and not engage in anal sex.
Hot girl: Not if you're Italian.
Hot girl's friend: Ohhh, so that's why Italians have such nice asses. All that thrusting must widen the butt cheeks tremendously.

–64th & 1st

Eww, No! Strictly Anal Till I'm Married

Old man: You wanna be re-viriginized?
Old woman: No, I want to remain with Jesus.
Old man: So, you wanna have sex with Jesus?!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: liz kim

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