WedNRAsday One-Liners

Man in bar, with the air of explaining a very simple concept: We need to shoot every fucking robber in the head, right? Then there would be no robbers.

–Midtown

Mom to son picking leaves off a potted plant: You better stop doing that or else they'll shoot you.

–Roosevelt Island Golf Center

Overheard by: erak

40-something female suit: I'm looking for a particular kind of venom for my blow-gun darts.

–The High Line

60-something woman to two admiring 30-something women: My body no longer produces estrogen and I carry a gun in my purse… Who's going to mess with me?

–Prince & Sullivan

Posted on May 12, 2010
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Families, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Lower East Side, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Soho, Suits, Thievery, Threats, Trees and plants, Weapons, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday's One-Liner Sense Is Tingling

Black man in Batman suit trying to get tourists to pay to take pictures with him: I got bills! I got bills!

–Times Square

Overheard by: kpan

Traffic cop, motioning in vain for car to stop: I guess my powers aren't working today…

–Citifield, 7 Train Entrance

Teenage girl: I love my physics teacher. He's like a fat, middle-aged Superman.

–Bard High School, Queens

Overheard by: Sunny

Large man with heavy accent shouting into cell: Please send somebody–I have just been robbed. (pause) I am on the corner. (pause) What do you mean, "white"? He is a Spiderman! He's wearing a Spiderman suit!

–Stanton & Essex

Posted on May 5, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Cars and Driving, Clothing, Cops, Diet/Weight, Fast Times at New York High, Fat People, Lower East Side, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Pictures, Queens, School and studying, Superheroes, Teens, Thievery, Times Square, Tourism, Tourists, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Mommy, Where Do Wednesday One-Liners Come From?

Woman on cell, sitting at counter: The baby's not out yet…as in "it's still inside her."

–McDonald's, Varick Street

Overheard by: Jordan

College student: It's like taking candy from a baby…only, ya know, I'd ask the mother first.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Dara

Dork walking by Babies "R" Us with friends: Dude, look! I totally wanna buy a baby!

–Union Square South

Guy on cell: That shop smells like babies!

–Union Square

Drunk man in Santa hat to all train passengers: I know all you ladies want to have babies for Christmas, but there's no time for it! Close your legs, there'll be less heads.

–L Train

Overheard by: Handley Elizabeth

Posted on April 7, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Dorks, Geeks and Nerds, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, For Sale, Guys, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Restaurants & Cafes, Shopping, Students, Thievery, Trains Not Subway, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Dammit, That Was My Tumor

Thug #1: Yo, Quame got cancer, right?
Thug #2: Yeah.
Thug #1: See, that what he get for stealin' from me…

–L Train

Overheard by: Paul

Posted on March 18, 2010
Cancer, Crime and Punishment, On the Subway, Thievery, Thugs

Wednesday One-Liners Bring Something Unique to the Table

Guy: I hope you got a fuckin' Dixie Cup, 'cause that's what you're gonna need to hold it!

–42nd & 5th

Middle aged suit, to no one in particular: Spoon! Spoooon! Spooooon!

–Au Bon Pain, Broad St

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Young guy with backpack to young wife: Teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup.

–Sheridan Square

Crazy hobo on subway: Hey you! Did you take my spoon? I know you took my spoon! Why would you do that to a guy?

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Scared British Tourist

Indignant yuppie: I wanted to stab her with a fork! It's a good thing we were at a sushi restaurant.

–69th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Posted on December 16, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Couples, Crazies, Crazy, Drinks, Ethnic Food, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Stab, Strangers, Street, Suits, Thievery, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Yuppies

Time Flies at Gunpoint

Security guard: I hate it when there's nothing to do all day.
Cashier: Today's been good, though. Hectic. Lot of people robbing us.

–Duane Reade

Posted on October 17, 2009
Cashiers, Duane Reade, Gripes, Security Guards, Thievery

…a Negligible Disappointment

Chick #1: The other dat at your job, I stole that lollipop. I thought it was root beer, but that shit was butterscotch.
Chick #2: That's what you get for stealing lollies.

–Screening of Repo Man

Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.

Posted on September 15, 2009
Drinking & Drunk People, Drinks, Girls, Movie Theaters, Thievery

Several Alternate Realities Intersect in New York

Old man with one front tooth, pointing fingers angrily: Your man stole my cart!
Old woman with spandex shorts: You sure it was Li'l Tinky?
Old man with one front tooth: Toots told me that Tinky was the one who took my cart.
Old woman with spandex shorts: Nah, that sounds like Big Tinky. I'm with Li'l Tinky. He don't do shit like that.

–1st Ave & E 3rd St

Overheard by: EV4Life

Posted on August 16, 2009
Old People, Questions, Rumor Has It, Thievery, Union Square and East Village

…While I Go Rev the Getaway Car.

Big man waiting in line: Mom, it's organic, not robbery.
Mom: Okay, keep telling yourself that.

–Whole Foods

Overheard by: Jessica

Posted on August 8, 2009
Food, Men, Moms, Parents, Thievery, Whole Foods

“You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner”

Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.

–Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Sandy Riverside

Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?

–46th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Madeline

Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!

–1 Train

Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!

–1 Train

Posted on July 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Fighting and ass kicking, Gripes, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Street, Subway conductors, The Village, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg

Thievery