The Homogenization of Wednesday One-Liners

Gay guy to friend on phone: Oh my god, she's not answering her phone? She's having sex. If she's not answering her phone, then she is definitely having sex. Hang up now, because she's having sex.

–Union Square

Overheard by: 1-900-Leave-A-Message

Flamboyant gay on cell: And oh. My. God. Let me just tell you about the cock. The fucking cock. It was eight inches of fucking perfection. I swear to god! It was beautiful. And I was always thinking like, "He's so perfect, there has to be something wrong with him. He must curve to the left or something." But no. I want to take pictures of it.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Julia

Hot gay guy: I went shopping, got a 90-minute massage and then started drinking. It's been, like, the best day ever.

–Barrage, 47th & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Fred Daubert

Flaming gay handler: I was going to wear my gold ankle booties, but I was afraid they'd clash with my Beagle's fur!

–Westminster Dog Show, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Amber

20-something gay office worker: He's buying me a wok! I think it's for real! (pause) I'll chicken-fry his rice.

–19th & Broadway

Overheard by: spf

Gay to faghag: So, you ready to go? We can talk about vagina at Lincoln center. (pauses, takes in her reaction) No? Too off-topic?

–Subway Restaurant, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: onelinerwonder

Posted on April 22, 2009
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Beauty, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Ethnic Food, Fag Hags, Fears, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gifts, Height, Insults, Madison Square Garden, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, One-liners, Parades & Festitivites, Penis, Pictures, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Sexuality, Shoes, Shopping, Street, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I'm on My Way to a Cover Girl Audition

Random guy to boy wearing fishnets and boxers: Yo man! I like your pants!
Boy: Thanks! They're really breezy!

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: Scarface

Posted on April 20, 2009
Boys, Clothing, Guys, Physical appearance, Strangers, Union Square and East Village

Do I Have to Pass a Test?

Three-year-old: Dad, it's raining!
Dad: You're three years old. You don't even know what rain is.

–1st Ave & 4th St

Posted on April 19, 2009
Age/Aging, Kids, Parents, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Weather

Then Who'll Be the Catcher?

British guy: But whenever I give a pitch I cry like a little girl!
Girl: That's why you have to practice with someone who is better than you at pitching!

–New York Film Academy, Union Square

Posted on April 18, 2009
Advice, Brits, College, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Girls, Guys, Sex, Sports, Union Square and East Village

We Know Our Own Kind.

Skinny hipster to friend: All I'm saying is, if he can fuck a skinny chick why fuck a fat chick?
Random passerby: Shit, that guy ain't gotten pussy in months.

–East Village

Posted on April 17, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Friends, Hipsters, Hook Ups, Physical appearance, Questions, Skinny People, Strangers, Union Square and East Village, Vagina

Guess What Peewee's Word Of the Day Is?

Ditzy white girl standing in line: Ugh. It's, like, so much effort to get fresh produce.
Ditzy friend #1: I agree! Should we abort?
Ditzy friend #2: Yes! Abort!
Ditzy friend #1: Abort!
Ditzy friend #3: Abort!

–Union Square Greenmarket

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on April 16, 2009
Abortion, Friends, Girls, Union Square and East Village, Vegetarian & Vegan, Weirdness

With This Ring, I Thee Wednesday One-Liner

Middle aged black woman on cell: Does your mother know we're married yet?

–Forever 21, Union Square

Overheard by: Sophie

2nd grader: See! This is what happens when a man marries another man! They get divorced!

–22nd & Lexington

Angry man to woman: They just had to get fucking married two days before fucking Christmas!

–Century 21

Overheard by: Amina

Dejected guy, slumping on stairs: Will you marry me?

–11th St & b/w University Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Alex Bailey

Guy on phone: She already said yes, so I don't have to get her a ring, right? (pause) Well, why do I have to get her a ring if she already said yes?

–18th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Jessica Bergin

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Breaking Up, Gays and Lesbians, Guys, Insults, Kids, Marriage, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Questions, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

If I Could Grunt and Squeak and Squawk With the Wednesday One-Liners

Middle aged man: So all you gotta do is pick up a gray squirrel holding an acorn, squeeze his belly, and hear him make real squirrel chatter.

–92nd & Lexington

Latina girl on cell: Chill the fuck out! Groundhog Day isn't till like June or some shit!

–PETCO, Union Square

Overheard by: Max

Girl: I tried a lot of things before I started kicking small animals.

–15th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Rijita

20-something guy to another: They cost a lot but they live forever. If you get a group of like 20 elephants, you're invincible.

–1 Train

Female student: But how else would you transport the elephant?

–34th St b/w Park & Madison Ave

Eight-year-old boy, running hellbent through playground, to friend: I could tell you about Archelon, the largest evolved turtle, but there isn't time.

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Someone else's mom

Guy on cell: It was kind of like sexually penetrating cows…

–E 55th St

Overheard by: TiffanyLyn

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beastiality, Body Parts, Celebrations/Parties, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Kick, Kids, Latinos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Store, Street, Students, The Bronx, Time, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesdays Get a Headache Without Their One-Liners

Barista: Basically someone bought a coffee Friday, came back Monday and said it's cold. Um, yeah. It's three days later.

–Starbucks, Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Kaitlen

Woman, walking out of Starbucks empty-handed: Well, at least now we know where we can get coffee. You know, in the morning?

–Starbucks, Times Square

Overheard by: David Landfair

NYU student to coffee cart man: Can I get a venti-large coffee?

–Greene St & Washington Place, The Village

Overheard by: Jane

Male coworker: I was just going to turn water into coffee, like they do in the bible.

–Broadway

Hyper five-year-old to mom: Hey look, Starbucks. Let's go to Starbucks. Starbucks! Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Juxie

Mother to hysterical baby in stroller: What do you want, huh? Coffee and a cigarette?

–Outside Bloomingdale's

Overheard by: kteezy

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Books & Writing, Clerks, Coffee, Compare/Contrast, Jesus, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, One-liners, Should've Used a Condom, Smoking, Soho, Starbucks, Store, Street, Students, The Village, Time, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wednesday Feel Trapped in a One-Liner's Body

Ghetto lady to another: Her son is a lesbian!

–Port Authority Bus Station

Suit to friend: Did I ever tell you about the time I ran into a Dunkin Donuts Drive Thru window with a transvestite in my back seat?

–N Train

Overheard by: Tater

Cop: The trannies hate the DVDs. They just can't get along. They hate each other more than the Bloods and the Crips!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Jon A.

Girl on cell: He just turned around and slipped into the skirt, and I just had to tell him! (pause) No, it didn't flatter his figure.

–Avery Fisher Hall, Lincoln Center

Crazy guy, pointing to girl sitting on fireplug: She's a man! That girl's a man! She's a man! Heh, heh…okay, stay there, I'll be right back. (pause) To punch you in the face!

–23rd & 7th

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy on phone: First you wanted to be a car salesman, and now you want to be drag queen?

–31st b/w 9th &10th

Overheard by: roommate of guy on phone

Posted on April 15, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Comebacks, Compliments, Cops, Crazies, Family Ties, Film, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Port Authority, Punch, Sexuality, Suits, Threats, Trannies, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Union Square and East Village