C’mon, Baby, Light My Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to friend: You have to stop setting your brother on fire.

–Broadway

Overheard by: sandm

Student to professor: Urinating on fire? What the hell, Freud?

–Wagner College, Staten Island

Tool on cell: If burning leaves in the schoolyard is wrong, I don’t wanna be right!

–E 44th St & 2nd Ave

Blond woman: And that was the night I burned my eyebrows off!

–Union Square

Some guy: I spent all of last night searching my body for it, but I promise you if I find it, I’ll burn it.

–The Village

Older woman at art gallery, looking at the price list: That burns my ass. Sorry, but that burns my ass.

–57th St

Posted on August 20, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, College, Elementary & Middle School, Etiquette, Family Ties, Fire, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Hair, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Pee, Psychology, Questions, Sensory Experiences, Staten Island, Street, Students, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

New York City Has Been Everything I Dreamed and More!

Short, chubby Asian man: I got stabbed! I got stabbed in the neck!
Friends: Oh!
Short, chubby Asian man: Believe it or not, I got stabbed in the neck! But I didn’t die! I lived! Can you believe that?!

–8th St & MacDougal

Posted on August 19, 2014
Asians, Stab, Union Square and East Village

Whatever You Need to Tell Yourself

Girl: We used to go out–he was wonderful–so interesting, caring, funny, and great lover. But I dumped him because he was gay.
Guy: Are you sure?
Girl: …Well, maybe he wasn’t a gay after all…Yes, he definitely wasn’t.

–14th & 6th

Overheard by: goga

Posted on August 18, 2014
Assholes, Breaking Up, Compliments, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Idiots, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Do the Vatican Rag

Suit on cell: No, I’m not coming in today…I’m on the Upper East Side. There’s all this traffic from the Pope’s "Don’t sodomize the kids" world tour.

–83rd & Lex

Guy at bar: Most Popes hate Jews.

–6th and D

Gamer kid: Yeah, I was in DC this weekend with the Pope… Yeah, I saw that muthafucka.

–218th & Park Terrace West

Overheard by: Kelley

Old lady, about young girl: Oh, she looks nice. She’s wearing Pope shoes.

–Carmine St

Overheard by: arctinus

Posted on August 18, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compliments, Guys, Insults, Judaism, Kids, NYC Geography, Old People, On Cell, Pedophilia, Pope, Shoes, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Washington Heights and Inwood, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Flunk the Oral

Guy on cell, screaming : Did you or did you not give that guy a blowjob in the parking lot?

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: JC

Hot girl talking to hot friend: He said blowjobs are like flowers for guys. Do I get flowers everyday? No! So why should he, right?

–C Train

Screaming bag lady: He asked me to suck his dick. I don't suck dick, I'm homeless.

–125th St

Overheard by: Reilly

Guy on cell: How's her gag reflex? Because that's a great way to make up for stupid.

–5th & 83rd

Overheard by: Kelly

Guy to another: Greg, do you want your cock sucked tonight? Then get in the car! (other guy hastily gets in car)

–The Village

Posted on August 17, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, BJs, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Homeless, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Questions, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Trees and plants, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

That, and I Never Learned to Wipe Front-to-Back

Homie #1: Daaamn, ladies.
Homie #2: How about a little one-on-one, or four-on-three?
Cute girl #1: Eat shit!
Cute girl #2: You’re the reason I rub feces all over my vagina!

–Clinton & Stanton

Posted on August 16, 2014
Creepsters, Pick-up Lines, Union Square and East Village

That's What You Said About Arby's!

New York girl: So that's our neighborhood Babies “R” Us.
Out-of-town girl: Mmm. Sounds delicious.

–Union Square East

Overheard by: I wonder what sauce she uses…

Posted on August 14, 2014
Foreigners, Girls, Names, Sensory Experiences, Union Square and East Village

Similes Gone Wild

Girl, trying to move through crowd: I always think of trying to get through crowds like being blood in a vein with clots in it.
Guy: Yeah. We need to get some Coumadin up in this joint!

–Farmers Market, Union Square

Overheard by: threadseven

Posted on August 13, 2014
Blood & bleeding, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Grocery Stores, Guys, Medicine, Union Square and East Village

Wednesday One-Liners Take the SocioPATH Train

Suit on cell: It's not that I don't like people, I just think that they're expendable.

–Union Square Cafe

20-something to visiting family: We are about to go up a bunch of stairs. If you complain, you will be pushed back down them.

–Mulberry & Canal

Laughing suit to others: So, yeah, I just stepped over the body.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Mother to small crying child: Honey, I did listen to you, but I can't make myself care.

–V Train

Overheard by: Hunter

Posted on August 12, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Assholes, Compare/Contrast, Crying, Families, Kids, Laughter, Little Italy, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Only in New York, Parents, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Suits, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Like the Moon

Overweight geeky lunatic protester: The perpetual battery will last longer than any of us! The perpetual battery is the answer to all of our energy problems! It will draw its power from the very vacuum of space!

–Union Square South

Overheard by: Percival

Crazy old guy with beard and hat with lots of buttons: Where is the moon? Where is the moon, where is the galaxy? Have you ever seen Men in Black? It's all about the galaxy. The earth is beneath Columbus Circle. The moon is at 64th and Central Park West. If you had to suspend reality, how would you do it?

–Uptown 2 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Professor: Has anybody ever seen a solar eclipse? Anybody, anybody? (silence) No? Well, maybe we were all inside on Facebook when it happened…

–St. John's University, Staten Island

Overheard by: Andrea

Visiting professor, explaining "word salad": Cream cheese to the moon mother, fuckers!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Molly Moo

Obviously sober guy: I know Vikings eat ham, but what about Saturn?

–Rotating Cube Sculpture, Astor Place

Blonde: You cannot eat in space! It sucks you in.

–Union Square

Crazy bag man with hat full of buttons: Where's the moon, where's the moon? If the globe on Columbus Cirlce is the earth, the moon is on 63rd Street West. That is a test of spatial ree-al-uh-tee. How well did you do?

–Uptown 3 Train, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

Posted on August 12, 2014
Activists, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Crazies, Crazy, Facebook, Fat People, Food, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, Hobos, Insults, Movies, Nerds, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, School and studying, Science, Staten Island, Students, Teachers/Professors, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Union Square and East Village