All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Linezillas

Teenage bride-to-be on cell: …yeah. But, no, I’m totally ready to walk across the aisle.

–Target, South Bronx

Overheard by: so this is the bronx

Suit: You expect me to spend the rest of my life with only one woman? One woman? One godforsaken woman?

–42nd St & Madison

Hula hoop guy to tourist couple: Sir! I’ll show you! You don’t have to do it, but hula hoops have saved a lot of marriages!

–Washington Square Park

Old woman to imaginary friend: I’d make a great wife, mothafucka!

–F train

Overheard by: Trying Not to Laugh

Girl: Can I do your brother at one of your weddings?

–Monitor St, Brooklyn

Young woman on cell: Well yeah, but he didn’t sleep with your bridesmaids.

–82nd & Lex

Man on cell: Ok, fine! You want to get married?

–Upper West Side

Take a Lick of These Wednesday One-Liners

Student: It’s true — Gummi Bears are good for your liver. I heard it from a horse.

–Harry S.Truman High

Overheard by: Anya

Loud guy: She called me a chocolate matzah ball! Can you believe that shit? She called me a chocolate matzah ball!

–E train, Queens

Overheard by: Anya

Guy in heated debate: No, I told you — everyone knows that Sour Skittles are much more aerodynamic than regular ones! God!

–Starbucks, Astor & Lafayette

Overheard by: Amy

Eight-year-old trick-or-treating cheerleader: Mom, listen to my new cheer: Trick or treat, smell my feet, gimme some fucking candy!

–110th & Broadway

Professor: I don’t want to be chocolate.

–Bard High School Early College

Hobo, when lady gives him a lollipop: Ma’am, I am 52 years old. What’s an old, homeless man going to do with a Tootsie Pop?

–34th St station

Please Remain on the Line. Your Wednesday One-Liner Is Important to Us.

Usher: I will tell you once again: do not use your cell phone! I know how to wrestle!

–Theatre

Man: What kind of faggot has a 551 number?

–Cooper Union, Astor Place

Overheard by: a friend of mine does

Drunk Long Island girl: I don't know! I guess my phone was on lock or unlock or whatever, but my boobs must have called you!

–W 10th St

Overheard by: max

Blonde NYU ditz, looking at BlackBerry: Wait… what area code is 718? That's like really far away, right?

–Sullivan & Bleecker

Overheard by: i actually laughed at her

Conductor: This is the train to Ronkonkoma, also known as "ko, hip hip hey and away we go." When using cell phones, please, keep it quiet, 'cause no one really wants to know what you're talkin' about.

–LIRR

Overheard by: Goober

Wednesday One-liners for Pick-up Artists

French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the so pretty girls.

–Rivington & Orchard

Overheard by: Collin

Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.

–Thompson & Houston

Overheard by: Ryan

Wednesday One-Liners Hope They Get a Pony This Year

Concert-goer to friend: … And then she told me, ‘I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I’m dating a pirate!’ And I said, ‘He’s not a pirate, he’s a douchebag! You’re dating a douchebag!’

–Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway

Woman to friend: I don’t know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.

–A train, between 59th & 42nd

Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet!

–Sol y Sombra

Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn’t count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn’t fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.

–14th St & E 1st Ave

Overheard by: Adrienne

Wednesday Drunk-Liners

Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!

–W 88th St

Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!

–Metro-North Train

Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!

–East Village

Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor

Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!

–Poker Game, Astoria

Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY

Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!

–L Train

Wednesday One-Liners Actually Liked Police Academy IV

Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off.

–Flushing Meadows Corona Park

Overheard by: rob

Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ’em before the cops do!

–33rd & Broadway

Overheard by: rah

Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.

–61st & Columbus

Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there.

–Central Park

Overheard by: Diane

Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?

–St. Mark’s & 2nd

Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.

–Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Chitin

Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!

–110th & Amsterdam

Wednesday One-Liners Still Don’t Understand Crocs

Woman on cell: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask me what I’m wearing… Really short shorts and a long shirt.

–69th St & Columbus

Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.

–Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: … And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, ‘Why am I wearing a kimono?!’

–9th & 3rd

Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.

–Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch

Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com

Dude: I don’t know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?

–27th & 7th

The High Times Of Wednesday One-Liners

Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.

–Borough Hall, Brooklyn

Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!

–Astor Place

Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!

–Times Square

Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..

30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.

–Union Square

Overheard by: Brainy

Wednesday One-liners Hate Beacon’s Closet

Man …you better get in, nobody over 30 is allowed to walk here anymore.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Sam Cohen

Old man: It’s like crap without a toilet! Goddamn rock and roll generation! Get the fuck out of here before I shoot every last one of you!

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: nj

Hipster guy: I had so many magical adventures here last summer, it’s not even funny.

–Williamsburg

Girl: Yeah, and I mean a lot of rumors about me are true, but that one isn’t.

–Union pool, Williamsburg

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