French guy: You know, I like to make happy with the pretty girls, but not the so pretty girls.
–Rivington & Orchard
Overheard by: Collin
Guy: If she had broken up with me before the end of the school year, I would have had a shot at nailing all of her friends.
–Thompson & Houston
Overheard by: Ryan
Concert-goer to friend: … And then she told me, ‘I had a shitty birthday, but what do you expect? I’m dating a pirate!’ And I said, ‘He’s not a pirate, he’s a douchebag! You’re dating a douchebag!’
–Beacon Theatre, 75th & Broadway
Woman to friend: I don’t know what to get him for his birthday. Do you know what he gave me for my birthday? An ulcer.
–A train, between 59th & 42nd
Chick: He gave me a laptop for my birthday… And we haven’t even had sex yet!
–Sol y Sombra
Yuppie on cell: I think because of the mental state I was in that really doesn’t count as cheating. Plus, it was my birthday, so technically it never happened, therefore I didn’t fuck up or do anything wrong, therefore nothing ever happened to begin with, therefore you have no reason to complain, therefore you are still my girlfriend.
–14th St & E 1st Ave
Overheard by: Adrienne
Tipsy, barefoot woman, lifting skirt in broad daylight: Gotta air out my coochie!
–W 88th St
Belligerent drunk woman: I've never even heard of these fucking stops! (later) Scarsdale! I don't even know how to spell "Scarsdale"! Other than…Scarsdale. (later) What the fuck is Hartsdale? Slap me across the face with a big dick!
–Metro-North Train
Drunk girl to friends sitting on a couch left on the sidewalk: Don't sit on that couch, it's probably covered in bodily urine!
–East Village
Overheard by: Herr Professor Doktor
Drunk wife to drunk husband during poker game: Don't you dare tell me about things that I don't understand!
–Poker Game, Astoria
Overheard by: NYCWATERBABY
Drunk girl: Bedford Avenue does not know how to find the clit!
–L Train
Macho guy: I just want to roundhouse a cop in the head. Then I’m gonna run my ass off.
–Flushing Meadows Corona Park
Overheard by: rob
Perfume vendor: 5 dollars! 5 dollars! Get ’em before the cops do!
–33rd & Broadway
Overheard by: rah
Girl on cell: …and then the police came so we were wondering if it was gonna be like a bar mitzvah.
–61st & Columbus
Guy on cell: He drank half a bottle of Listerine?…Let me know when the police get there.
–Central Park
Overheard by: Diane
Policeman, to erratic driver: You heard me, man, now pull over. What the hell?
–St. Mark’s & 2nd
Policewoman through loudspeaker, to erratic driver: Where did you get your license? Oh. My. God.
–Leonard & Jackson, Brooklyn
Overheard by: Chitin
Running mom, to child: Hurry up! Run, run like the cops are chasing you!
–110th & Amsterdam
Woman on cell: Well, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to ask me what I’m wearing… Really short shorts and a long shirt.
–69th St & Columbus
Lady on cell: The outfit that I really want only works with beer bottles.
–Duane Reade, 111th & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Guy to girlfriend, about drunk guys dressing up in thrift store: … And you know one of those guys is going to wake up tomorrow and be like, ‘Why am I wearing a kimono?!’
–9th & 3rd
Hipster girl: So, that club she got turned away from? It was for not having on two pieces of corduroy clothing. You know what kind of club that is? A club full of poorly-dressed people.
–Curly’s Vegetarian Lunch
Overheard by: magical-newyork.blogspot.com
Dude: I don’t know. I just feel like her face is going out of style, you know what I mean?
–27th & 7th
Mother to friend: If our kids would just smoke weed they'd be fine.
–Borough Hall, Brooklyn
Five-year-old child, walking past table of glass bongs and pipes: Daddy, I want one!
–Astor Place
Promoter for comedy club: Free bag of weed if you come to the 9:30 show!
–Times Square
Enthusiastic, loud girl on cell: Smoking pot? So you were smoking…you don't have to be so worried about people hearing what you're saying, nobody's even listening…seriously.
–27th & 7th
Overheard by: And she had to end up being in my class..
30-something lady: When she was just selling pot to Kevin Nealon, I think that was better.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Brainy
Man …you better get in, nobody over 30 is allowed to walk here anymore.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Sam Cohen
Old man: It’s like crap without a toilet! Goddamn rock and roll generation! Get the fuck out of here before I shoot every last one of you!
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: nj
Hipster guy: I had so many magical adventures here last summer, it’s not even funny.
–Williamsburg
Girl: Yeah, and I mean a lot of rumors about me are true, but that one isn’t.
–Union pool, Williamsburg
Girl on cell: Sorry I texted you when you were giving birth.
–27th St & Park Ave
20-something girl: I kept saying, "I emailed a text to him!"
–Pub, 59th & 3rd
Overheard by: Bluetoothed them a postcard
20-something girl correcting her friend's text message: No, you don't need an apostrophe there. It's "hos," plural, not "of or pertaining to a ho."
–M15 Bus
Overheard by: Lauren
Guy with suitcase on cell: I sent him a text asking if I could stay at his place, and he said sure. I find out today he was being sarcastic.
–116th & Broadway
Student: Okay, it's 3:20. I think it's an appropriate time to text Ben and tell him I had a sex dream about him.
–Sarah Lawrence College
Overheard by: Anna
Teen boy: I like touching fat people.
–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: CUMT
Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!
–25th & 8th
Overheard by: Beckerman
Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.
–34th & 5th
Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!
–35rd St & 5th Ave
Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."
–Theater, St Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Mariah
Chick on cell: Yeah, I'm like a hardcore rollerblader now. I just haven't learned how to stop yet.
–44th & 3rd
Steroid Freak: So I was hanging from his torso and then we tried to insert the triangle…
–25th & Lexington
Young man to friend: He likes me, he likes my style… he wants me to contort my limbs on a float.
–Union Square
Overheard by: Eyeteeth
Bored teenage girl (from 2nd story window): Hello, Mr Runner man! You've got a long way to go! I see you across the street there, wearing all black. These are words of encouragement! I support your acts of fitness!
–Vanderbilt & Bergen
Overheard by: Jilly
Female power-walker with cigarette: I used to be able to make a mile in under 7, but that was, you know, way back in college, before the job and the (runs out of breath) …way back.
–Prospect Park Loop
Overheard by: EmLo
