All Wednesday One-Liners

Modest hoochie: Yeah, I can always tell if a guy’s a fag or not by whether he checks out my tits.

–Penn Station

Teenage girl: That’s ’cause Puerto Ricans come up to you and be like, “Hey, Mami, lookin’ hot,” but Dominicans come up to you and be like, “Yo, Mami, you got nice tits!”

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: erlinflask

Woman in tight shirt: I just know, you know, that at some point I’m going to have saggy boobs.

–Ave A between 5th & 6th

Overheard by: Nathan

Guy: I contend that if you’re going to allow someone to breast-feed in a public place, then I should be allowed to stare.

–Wd~50, Clinton St

Overheard by: Evan

Toothless Brooklynite: I’m sayin’ she used to have some good pussy and some big ole titties. I’m talking double E-E’s. And she went to the doctor and had them cut off. Her titties was cut off!

–A train

Overheard by: The Law Professor

Teen girl to mother: Maybe I’ll do that. Or maybe I’ll just give myself a boob job with a rusty butter knife and water balloons!

–N train

Guy: Well, it’s not like you can’t say you’ve never had your bosom in somebody’s elbow before.

–Stage door, Eugene O’Neill Theatre, West 49th St

Man: But they’ll talk to us! That’s the problem with calling people — they talk to you!

–Union Square Park

Chick: For one thing, this guy sounds totally sick and perverted; and, for another, what’s his number?

–Party, 140th & Broadway

Overheard by: Mr. P.

Girl on cell: He was like, ‘Thanks for doing that in a text,’ and I was like, ‘Thanks for saying that in an IM.’

–Park Ave & Union Square North

Collegiate on cell: Dude, why the hell are you calling me? I told you, just use MySpace.

–Park Ave South & 19th St

Queer looking at ringing cell: Shit! [Answers phone in pleasant voice] Hi, Andrew!

–11th St & University

Overheard by: Colleen

Guy: Okay, here’s the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I’ll have sex with…someone else. Then we both smoke a lot of weed…

–1st Ave

Overheard by: chris & daile

Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again.

–G train

Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I’m not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes.

–Outside Bally Fitness, 50th St

Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, “Great I still have a couple more years to quit.” Then I read what they define “middle aged” as. I’m fucked!

–Upper East Side gallery

Kid to another: Stephen king is the best autha, yo. But Danielle Steele is the best girl autha, yo.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Joel

Teen to friend: Santa's a well-read dude, but they won't let him pee.

–5th Ave Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: Dude Santa

Ghetto chick: Yeah, maybe mama will actually buy a book…one day.

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Overheard by: Robert Gleyberman

Guy trying to push "free literature": This book is really important. It was the book that Gandhi followed. Do you know who Gandhi is? He's like the Indian Martin Luther King.

–L Train

Man reading Richard Scarry's What Do People Do All Day?: What? Poets do not write poetry all day! They work shitty jobs in design firms and sell things to assholes from San Diego! (turns page) And writers don't write all day! They pick up laundry for Park Slope bitches!

–Children's Section, Barnes & Noble, Court Street

Overheard by: Amused Bookseller

Conductor: This is 33rd Street, please remember to take all personal belongings off with you, and let me be the first to wish you a merry Christmas!

–PATH train

Overheard by: elise n

Hipster to friend having problems with ATM card: Maybe it's for normal people and you're just abnormally large.

–Village ATM

Overheard by: rafa

Overenthusiastic father of new skater: Oh, you know, it's her first time, so I wanted to make sure that I was there to help her through it so that it'd be extra-special for her.

–Wollman Rink, Central Park

Overweight woman: Where's Wang? Guys, where's Wang?

–Hard Rock Cafe

Tourist mom: It's not big enough to impress me.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Not The Empire State, Surely

Loud woman: It was a three-legged pussy!

–Union Square Subway Station

Overheard by: Rachel K

Modern literature professor, after ending class early: Well, that's it, I've blown my load.

–Columbia University

Worried suit: Oh, good. I was hoping you would call. Uh yes…I’ve had bloody stool twice in the past two weeks… Yes, the blood is around it…I don’t know. What do you advise?

–McGraw-Hill Building, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: HELP! I’m in the cube across from him

Woman to male companion: I don’t give a shit about no fucking white people, they can suck my bloody pussy. My shit is all bloody and nasty, but I changed my drawers and shit. At least I don’t just rinse it out and hang it in front of a fan…

–G Train

One-eyed Armenian worker, pointing to sample bottle of Vampire wine: Would you like a taste of this wine? It’s half blood, but only the blood of pretty girls, I only drink pretty girls.

–Liquor Store, 10th St & 2nd Ave

MTA cop to blood drive employee: You want blood? I’ll give you blood. Just not from my arm, if you know what I mean.

–Penn Station

Bro: If it looks like blood, it coagulates like blood.

–6 Train

Girl on cell: How was Vicky’s sweet 16? [couple of seconds later] Was the blood from your nose or your ass?

–36th St & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Cody

Five-year-old girl to friend: Listen, Julia, this is probably going to sound really bitchy, but shove it.

–FAO Schwartz

40-ish man on cell: I bought this bitch sneakers and Tims, and I ain’t even seen no pussy!

–Forest Hills

Overheard by: Mary D

Old man: That’s when I knew that bitch was the bitch for me.

–84th & 1st

Overheard by: Mikey

Pretentious professor with ponytail: Bitch could convey everything with an ellipsis…

–69th & Columbus

Jamaican lady: You fucker! I sell drugs for the Police. They call them dealers because they make deals. I made a deal. Do you pay me? Am I your employee? Fuck you, brush your teeth!

–F train

Overheard by: z0mb13

Guy on cell: I’m off today. I ran over one of the kids with the bus.

–72nd & 1st

Overheard by: Todd Horan

Trader: I’m almost wishing to come back in my next life as the Jewish wife of a Jewish husband.

–Madison Avenue office

Man on cell: She’s got a summer job editing Harlequin romance novels. Yeah, which goes so well with…you know…her divinity degree.

–118th & Broadway

Security guard: One of my feet has five fingers less than the other one, but I don’t claim disability. I work three jobs: model, actor and security guard, I’m not stopping until I make fifty-two million.

–F train

Overheard by: Nico Westerdale

Store chick: I’m just sampling the food so I can explain to customers why it’s so expensive.

–Whole Foods, Union Square

Overheard by: jexe

Hobo: Get your snowball here! 20 bucks for a snowball! You won’t find another one of these for miles!

–43rd & Broadway

Trendy young woman: So, I went out to walk the dog this morning and was like, ‘What is this shit falling from the sky? First it was that funky smell from Jersey, now crap falling from the sky.’ Then I realized it was snowing.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Nic

Old lady to cat she’s pushing in stroller: It’s fucking cold out here!

–Stuyvesant Town, 18th & 1st

Overheard by: Caroline

Incredulous drunk guy with large snowball: Man, I wish this was cocaine.

–E 4th & Bowery

Flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to JFK, New York. The local time is 1:30 in the morning, the weather is… really cold.

–United landing in New York early in the morning

Conductor: You know, the trick to dealing with this weather is mind over matter. If you don’t mind the snow, it doesn’t matter.

–Queens-bound 7 train