Wednesday One-Liners Hope It’s Just Ketchup

Worried suit: Oh, good. I was hoping you would call. Uh yes…I’ve had bloody stool twice in the past two weeks… Yes, the blood is around it…I don’t know. What do you advise?

–McGraw-Hill Building, Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: HELP! I’m in the cube across from him

Woman to male companion: I don’t give a shit about no fucking white people, they can suck my bloody pussy. My shit is all bloody and nasty, but I changed my drawers and shit. At least I don’t just rinse it out and hang it in front of a fan…

–G Train

One-eyed Armenian worker, pointing to sample bottle of Vampire wine: Would you like a taste of this wine? It’s half blood, but only the blood of pretty girls, I only drink pretty girls.

–Liquor Store, 10th St & 2nd Ave

MTA cop to blood drive employee: You want blood? I’ll give you blood. Just not from my arm, if you know what I mean.

–Penn Station

Bro: If it looks like blood, it coagulates like blood.

–6 Train

Girl on cell: How was Vicky’s sweet 16? [couple of seconds later] Was the blood from your nose or your ass?

–36th St & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Cody

Posted on August 29, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Astoria, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, Buildings, Celebrations/Parties, Cops, Creepsters, Girls, Illness, Insults, Medicine, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Questions, Race, Rockefeller Center, Science, Sexuality, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Weirdness, Women

See, He's Got the Cane, But No Cheetah Hat

(elderly gentleman in a brown suit with matching fedora walks by)
Ghetto #14 year-old-girl (screaming): Oh my god! It's a pimp! He's a fucking pimp!
Ghetto #14 year-old boy: Nah, he ain't a pimp. He can't be–he's like 90…and he's white.

–Under Broadway Stop, Astoria

Overheard by: well, it aint easy

Posted on August 11, 2014
Age/Aging, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Default, Ghetto Chicks, Jobs & Careers, Prostitution, Race, Teens, Thugs

Those Satanic Greeks

A group of punks walk by the Hellenic Steaks restaurant.

Punk: This restaurant is perfect for me: I love steak, and I love Satan!

–Astoria

Posted on July 27, 2014
Astoria, Food, Punks, Satan

Well I’ve drank Pepsi Edge, and I did use a cup

Guy: Of course I’ve drank kerosene. But it wasn’t like I used a cup, though. I used a siphon.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Stephie Russell

Posted on July 14, 2014
Astoria, Drinking & Drunk People, Drunks, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Idiots, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Have at Least One Marketable Skill

Pragmatist: I figure if I don’t get a job in publishing, I’ll become a video vixen.

–Dunkin’ Donuts, Ditmars Blvd, Astoria

Overheard by: Christine

Skank: No way! I am not one of those girls. I am not a video girl…I am a dancer!

–34th & 8th

Overheard by: Skye

Ditz: Supposably [sic], she’s going to be dancing in some Beyonce video. She’s so stupid.

–54th St between 9th & 10th

Media scholar: Well it’s different when the girl getting fucked in the video is the same age as you. I mean, that’s great when you’re 15.

–20th & 8th

Posted on December 2, 2012
A-List, About Celebrities, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dancing, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, People, Places, Pop Culture, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, TV

Alex Placed Dead Last at the Insult Olympics.

Preteen boy #1, looking at tiny Yorkie: Wow, that is the smallest thing I've ever seen.
Preteen boy #2: That's what she said.
Preteen boy #1: Yeah, that's what she didn't say about you! I mean, that's what she didn't say to me! That's what she said about you!

–30th Ave, Astoria

Overheard by: real smooth.

Posted on January 2, 2011
Astoria, Body Parts, Insults, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Teens

Astoria's Already on the Dark Side

Unattended older child, playing with Star Wars toy: Pew, pew, pew! I shot you, you bastard!
Younger brother: Hey, don't talk like that to Star Wars!

–McDonald's, Astoria

Overheard by: Duncan Pflaster

Posted on December 30, 2010
Astoria, Brothers, Etiquette, Insults, Pop Culture

Wednesday One-Liners Eat at Friendly's

Mother to four-year-old making loud, weird noises in stroller: Will you shut up? See… That's why you don't have any friends.

–Supermarket, Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: George O.

Woman on cell: She put my friendship on the line for a Chanel bag! (pause) So I guess I'm worth like, $600 dollars.

–Starbucks, Astor Place

Overheard by: Kade

Angry woman to man: You had to fuck my friend?! You couldn't think of a better place to put your dick?

–Elevator, 75 Wall St

Overheard by: Jonathan

Seated guy to standing woman: I was out drinking with a friend. Well, less of a friend and more my parole officer…

–L Train

Overheard by: Bradburnside

Suit to woman: I don't believe in friends, ya know?

–22nd & 6th

Overheard by: Edyna

Posted on October 27, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Fashion, Friendship, Grocery Stores, Kids, Men, Moms, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Penis, Questions, Relationships, Sex, Starbucks, Suits, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Drink-Minimum Liners

Man arguing with woman: I was single and drunk and shit happened.

–3rd Ave & 13th St

Man to woman: If I wasn't so diabetic I wouldn't have got so drunk.

–14th St & Ave A

Overheard by: S

Enthusiastic 30-something woman: This is a fine time for me to start drinking again!

–Blue Bar, Algonquin Hotel

Overheard by: Terry

Girl to friends: I don't think I'm a whore. It just enhances what you would normally do with less judgment.

–Astoria

Overheard by: The Princess og Fancy

Excited girl: I haven't drunk since the last time we drank!

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: Erin

Posted on August 18, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Astoria, Bars & Clubs, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Hotels, Illness, Men, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Promiscuity, Relationships, Street, Time, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Get “The Girlfriend Experience”

Disheveled gentleman: Hey, man, can you spare some change? I need a bottle of vodka, a bag of marijuana, and a prostitute. I'm desperate!

–East Village

Overheard by: Matty Mac

Toothless lady on street corner to friend: I ain't never been to jail, I ain't never fucked nobody for money!

–Brooklyn

Older Guido to young hipster: And then you got a fuckin' hooker on your hand, what are you going to to do?

–Mulberry

Overheard by: nina

Clean-cut queer: So she says "where are you going after this?" and I say "I think I'm just going to go back to the hotel and get some sleep" and she says "do you want company?" and I say "well, you're not really my type" and she says "I've got lots of friends… What's your type?" and I say "boys." And she's all, "oh, well, that's nice!" And then she leaves pretty quickly. And my friend says "who was that? Do you know her?" and I say, "no, she's just some very, very, very friendly girl. In a gold lamé cocktail dress. On a Tuesday night."

–6 Train

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Guy on cell: I wish I was in Florida–the hookers down there owe me 8 bucks and a beer!

–Astoria

Posted on July 14, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Clothing, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Guidos, Guys, Hipsters, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Panhandling, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Prison, Prostitution, Queer guys, Questions, Sex, Store, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weed, Weirdness, Wishes & desires